On the Edge of Discovery

Spanking stories part 2

2012-01-25T21:50:00.000Z

Eris assures me that the first part of the spanking story was a) readable and b) hot so I have gone back to writing (the lack of comments had me panicking!). So here is part two...... I hope you enjoy

Part two: The Hostel

Ellie awoke to a keening sound, like the noise a wounded puppy makes. As her eyes focused, she realised she was in a room with several other women; all young, all partially naked, all dirty, all scared.

A tall blonde girl with an American accent stood up behind her and walked past her to the whimpering girl, shaking her roughly by the shoulder. “Enough, Maria. Jesus, I need to sleep and I can't do that with your whining all the time”. The frightened girl cowered from the American who let go of her shoulder with a disgusted sigh. The American turned and noticed Ellie for the first time. “Hey, you're awake. You speak English?” she queried in the slow, patronising tone often used to speak to foreigners.

Ellie nodded, her throat too raw to speak. Her face felt crusted and sore, her eyes puffy and bleary from the crying. The American girl tossed her a water bottle which she clumsily caught, downing it thirstily. She noticed her hands were no longer bound and she had been covered by a blanket which she clutched tightly to herself.

“Thank god” the American girl cried, throwing herself down heavily on the bed next to her. “Someone who can understand me. I'm sick of talking to myself”. Ellie looked away, embarrassed, as the girl's shift rode up and exposed her totally. The girl smiled to herself as she noticed the movement, shifting her legs so Ellie had a clearer view of her groin. “well, aren't you cute” she laughed. “they're going to love you”.

“Where am I? Who are they? What's happening?” The questions that had been flooding through Ellie's mind peppered the room like a machine gun.

“slow down, sweetheart, one at a time! You're in the delightful land of Romania. The playground of the rich, the toy of the infamous and they my sweet are your new owners. Long live capitalism, down with communism”. She toasted Ellie ironically with the water bottle and drank before resuming. “What's happening is that the rich and influential of this country, tired of the simpering country girls beaten into dull obedience by their loving parents, want fresh, 'enthusiastic', and most importantly, undamaged meat. That's you honey, in case you missed it. We were brought here, innocent as the newborn lamb – well, you were anyway – to cater for the needs of those who can pay. You my dear, are a slave. Congratulations. “ Some of the arrogance slipped from her face as she spoke and she sank back against the wall. “Get used to it sweetie pie, because you're here to stay.”

The fear began to well up within Ellie again, fuelled by the whimpering and sobbing noises coming from the other girls. She huddled herself up tighter under the blanket, shifting her weight to get more comfortable and crying out softly as she rested on her welted behind.

“Sore?” the american girl asked sympathetically. “well, that I might be able to help. Our masters are nothing if not considerate”. The ironic tone had returned to her voice as she leaned under the bed and pulled out a plastic tub. “Roll over and I'll put the salve on, that will reduce the pain and prevent and scarring”. Reluctant to show her nakedness to this girl, Ellie rolled on to her front slowly, trying to cover as much of herself as possible with the blanket. She could feel the American girl's amusement as she deftly pulled the blanket away, exposing Ellie fully to the room.

“Ouch! They must have been in a foul mood last night” she muttered as she began applying the salve thoroughly to the welts. Ellie began to feel the throbbing subside as the cold cream was applied gently, the tension ebbing slightly as she began to relax under the girl's expert ministrations. She began to drift, the absence of pain almost experienced as pleasure. She jerked back to herself as she felt the beginnings of a warm sensation, and realised that the girl's hand had moved to between her thighs. She pulled away so fast that the pain in her backside blossomed again.

“I can make it feel much better if you let me” the girl murmured. Ellie shifted herself even further away, pulling the blanket over the face so the girl couldn't see her blush. “You gotta love the English” she heard the girl say, laughing to herself as she walked back across the room.

Time passed. Ellie drifted in and out of sleep listlessly. She didn't have the energy to try and explore her environment, to try and escape. Despair held her under the blanket, pain pinned her to the bed.

Suddenly the room was full of shouting, wailing, pleading. She heard the door open and sounds of heavy plates being laid down on the floor. Feeding time at the zoo, she thought bitterly, burying her face further into the stinking mattress.

The cold air rushed in as the blanket was yanked off her, exposing her naked backside to the room. Hands pinned her down and she could hear the rough, accented tone of her captor in conversation with another woman, also Rumanian she guessed. His hands prodded at her welts, examining them, checking them over thoroughly. He patted her on the behind twice, hard, before letting her up. Swiftly she covered herself, turning her face to follow his movements around the room.

“You help her?” He was speaking to the American girl now.

“Of course, I'm a good girl” she responded. She spoke in a low, faux sexy voice, stepping forward and kissing him passionately. He stood stock still for a moment and then began to to paw at her, pulling at her shift. Suddenly, he cried out, swearing in his own language, and clutched his face. “you bitch!” he cried, pulling a long thin whip out of his belt and striking her across the breasts with it.

Her laugh echoed around the room and he struck again and again, pausing only to wipe the blood from his lower lip where she had bitten him. The other women who entered with him, moved over to him and placed a restraining hand on his arm, pulling him backwards away from the girl.

“Bitch. You lucky. I not kill you. Master kill you when I tell him” he panted, holding a hand to his now swollen lip. He turned and stalked out of the room, the woman tailing after him,

Ellie got up and moved to the American girl who was by now lying on her back, making rasping noises as she tried to catch her breath. Her chest was welted and red, long stripes edged with a tinge of blood where they had struck across her nipples, her shift providing little protection against the thin whip. Ellie began trembling in sympathy, patting uselessly at the welling drops of blood. The girl looked almost drugged, her eyes rolled back, her breath shallow and gasping. Suddenly she began to laugh; an odd, humourless sound which terrified Ellie further. She shook herself, her eyes finally focusing and grabbed at Ellie's hand, pulling it away from the cuts. “They're fine, sweetie. I'm fine.” She sat up, shaking herself, repeating “I'm fine” as if by repeating it, it would sound true.

“Why did you do that? Why provoke him like that?” Ellie was almost as shocked by the girl's actions as by the savage punishment they incurred.

“Sometimes, you have to remind yourself you're not broken”. She turned to look Ellie in the eye. “You have to show them you are still a fighter”. She paused and gestured at the other girls, scrabbling over the food plates or cowering in the corners “or you end up like them”. She laughed bitterly; “ Don't worry, the Master likes a fighter – he won't kill me, just hurt me a bit. Well, probably a lot.” She shuddered, the fight leaving her abruptly and all humour draining from her face. She appeared to sag, leaning heavily into Ellie, who pulled a blanket from the bed and covered the two of them with it. “You don't mind do you?” the girl enquired, almost hesitantly, the predatory woman of earlier entirely gone now. Ellie cuddled further into her, one hand holding the blanket away from the girl's wounded chest. The girl's breathing began to slow, settling into a slow hypnotic rhythm. To Ellie's surprise, her eyelids also began to droop. The terror of the past two days draining her to a point where she once again felt exhausted. She slept.

Spanking stories

2012-01-14T13:01:00.001Z

I run into the inevitable blogging dilemma; I either have time to write the blog, or to do things to blog about. Not both.

This leaves me with a dilemma. Once I get into writing, I enjoy it and want to carry on. When I stop, I lose momentum and its a struggle to get back. However, work life has kicked in and our kink life has been relegated behind domestic chores and work exhaustion for a bit.

So my solution? Attempt to write fantasy - attempt to write a spanking story. I've not done this before but I have had a fantasy, or rather an in depth series of fantasies, which could easily be translated into a novel or a series of short stories. This is my attempt to write the introduction. If it goes well and if people like it, I will attempt more.

Be nice, it's my first attempt!!!

The capture

She gasped for breath as the hood was ripped off but the gag in her mouth stopped her from being able to fill her lungs. Blinking slowly, she looked around the room, taking in the dripping wet walls, boarded up windows and rubbish piled up in the corners. Most overpowering was the smell; damp, decaying rubbish and urine. Oh god, the urine smell was coming from her.

Her chin was gripped and her head forced upwards so that she was staring into the eyes of the man who was holding her upright. He ripped the gag out of her mouth, filling her mouth with the coppery taste of her own blood. “You wash now” he intoned in broken English.

The words didn't make much sense – she felt like she was hearing him through a fog.

“Wash” he repeated, miming scrubbing actions for her benefit, dropping her to her knees in the process.

When she still didn't respond, he sighed and dragged her to her feet, got a handful of her hair and pulled her towards the door. She was sure she should have felt pain but she felt numb.

Where was she? She took a deep breath and talked herself through it. Ok, Ellie work it out. She was with someone who didn't speak much English and the writing on posters on the wall used the Cyrillic alphabet. Some suburb of London she didn't know? The sounds from outside were too quiet for that; she could hear birdsong and tractors, neither of which were common London sounds. She tried to recall how she might have got here – her last memory was of hailing a cab to get her home after a night out with her work colleagues. There were some vague recollections of a dark space, smells of oil and lots of vibration. Nothing clear, nothing she could make sense of. Had she been abducted? Was she having a nightmare?

Her thoughts were interrupted by being suddenly thrown up against the wall by her captor. They were in a shower room of sorts and she could hear the sounds of other girls in the background; talking, crying, screaming. She wished the feeling of numbness would stay with her as he grabbed her once more and began ripping at her clothes. She began to struggle, fight but her hands were bound and he was strong.

She could barely hear the“wash, dirty bitch” over her own rasping breath, but his intentions were clear. The shower was like needles of ice as he shoved her under. She gasped for breath but that just caused her to inhale the ice water. He laughed as she choked and spluttered, holding her firmly under as she tried to squirm away.

“I wash you then, lazy slut”. She could feel the stiff bristles of a brush scraping at her back, her arms, her breasts as he began to scrub at her. A smell of carbolic from the soap got into her mouth and nose as she began to gasp with the pain of the scrubbing, leaving her retching. She struggled, trying to get away from him, kicking out at him and his relentless hands. She felt his hands slap the back of her thighs as she span away – sharp, stinging on her now ice cold skin.

“Keep still, stupid bitch”. His hands slapped down again and again until she collapsed down onto her knees, screaming out with pain. He dragged her to her feet again, leaning her body weight into him. Dragging her knees apart, he continued to scrub at her with the stiff wooden brush, tearing at the soft skin of her inner thighs and between her legs. She sobbed over and over, choking on the water as it ran over her face, her nerve endings burning with the cold, with the almost mechanical scratching of the brush. She disappeared into the pain until she lost sight of where she was, who she was; all embarrassment gone, all fight gone.

The towel he handed her after the shower was rough and gritty which felt like sand paper to her reddened skin but she still rubbed herself dry gratefully, bringing life back to her ice numbed limbs. The backs of her thighs stung as she patted them dry and her knees began to tremble, barely holding her weight. He watched her impatiently, handing her a plain white shift when she was done. It was grubby and too small for her, barely covering anything but her torso but it warmed her a little, reducing her shivering to occasional tremors.

“Come” he muttered and headed off down the corridor. She stumbled after him; disobedience requiring more thought than she was capable of.

The room he shoved her into was very different from the room she had woken up in. A large log fire burned in the grate in the corner and there was furniture, shabby but once opulent. A man sat, brandy in hand, staring into the fire. He didn't look around as he uttered commands to her captor in a strange dialect. Her captor nodded briefly and withdrew from the room, shutting the door behind him. She stood, shivering on the edge of the room in silence; waiting.

The man swirled his brandy and then shrugged it down in one go. With a sigh he rose and walked towards her.

“English?” he asked, with the same heavily accented voice as her original captor

“Where am I? What's going on? Who are you? “the questions poured out of her, barely audible over her chattering teeth.

The blow across her cheek hurt more because she was unprepared than because of the strength of the impact. “Shhh” he intoned mildly, as he walked around her. Stunned, she stood in shivering silence, the fear mounting within her until it felt like a wave about to overwhelm her.

“Pretty” he murmured approvingly, “breasts too small, but buttocks tight”. She felt like cattle being assessed at a market as he poked and stroked at her skin, handling her in the same detached manner she had seen farmers use to manipulate a cow's hocks before buying. She tugged at the shift, trying to cover herself but this only served to expose more of her breasts – no matter which end she tugged, she revealed part of herself as there just wasn't enough fabric to cover her.

The crack of his hand across her buttocks was audible and she gasped involuntarily with the shock and pain. “Keep still” was his only response as she tried to pull away from him and his hands.

“Ah, English girls mark well. No spanking as child.” He smiled almost companionably at her as he examined the hand print on her bottom. His calm, detached manner was getting to her more than the aggression of the earlier man; at least she could predict him, understand him - this man was cold.

“Be good and things will be ok for you”. He pushed her lightly towards the chair and she fell forward, landing over the back so her bound hands were resting on the seat. She tried to get up but his hand pushed her back down, firmly holding her so her stomach was pressed into the scratchy leather and her buttocks were stuck up in the air.

The wave of fear broke like a tsunami when the first stroke landed. She didn't know what he was hitting her with but she heard the swish as it ran through the air, and the crack as it landed across the top of her already stinging buttocks. She heard a scream but it was only when the pain started to subside a little that she realised that the scream had been hers.

She could hear a quiet little chuckle from behind her as the second stroke landed, sending a line of fire just below the previous blow. The pain blossomed over the next few seconds until it felt like she had been cut with a knife before it finally began to subside. As she caught her breath a little, the next blow landed, and then the next and the next. The pattern continued; the blows in a slow steady pattern working their way over her buttocks and thighs until the lines could no longer be distinguished, the threads of fire merging into a bonfire of agony. Again, she began to detach from herself and see imagined she could see herself from on high, lying prostrate and vulnerable over the back of the chair. Her screaming subsided into retching and sobbing, her voice broken by the ferocity of the initial screams. Still he continued, stroke after stroke; cold, mechanical, precise.

After a lifetime, the strokes stopped. She lay unmoving bar the trembling, no more tears left, no energy to try to escape.

The man bent to examine her buttocks in depth, poking with one finger at the occasional welt and muttering to himself. He returned to his seat by the fire, ignoring her as he pored himself another brandy.

“Drink?” He offered up his brandy to her as she lay there. Her thirst overwhelming, she crawled towards him on her hands and knees until she collapsed at his feet. He handed her the brandy and she gulped it down, the burning pain in her throat a distraction from her throbbing backside.

“Good girl” he intoned almost fondly, patting her on the head like a well behaved dog. “Men will like. Sleep now, Mikov will return you to your room in a while”.

Obediently, she lay her head on the carpet and stared into the fire, exhaustion battling with pain, until, eventually, sleep took her.

To top or not to top, that is the question

2012-01-07T18:47:00.000Z

Despite being fairly confident and assertive in real life, I'm well and truly a bottom when it comes to kink play. I don't understand why people want to top – it just looks hard work to me. To me, bottoming is like being taken on a journey where I have no responsibilities, no burdens, and where the focus is all on me. Why would I want to give that up and have to be the one worrying about getting it right and giving the other person an amazing experience. Don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful that tops exist, I just don't understand why they would want to do it!!

That's why I am still surprised that I found myself plotting with Kami to co-top the beautiful Eris, a long standing kinky friend who has been through a lot with me and who is now like a little sister. We were all at a club together and I was in an odd mood. I was still somewhat buzzing and sated from the Sushi scene. To be honest, I was also still a little hungover from New Year's Eve! So I found myself in the odd situation of wanting to play but not wanting to be played with – I was still too emotionally drained to want to be toyed with!

Why Eris, when I had the delectable Kami there to play with (yes, I am spoilt)? Firstly, I know Eris very very well. She has shared a great deal with me about her past experiences, about her kink, about what makes her tick and I felt confident that I could create a headspace for her, despite my lack of experience and skill. Secondly, she looked glorious in her corset and had been nicely warmed up by her very generous boyfriend. Finally, I was not confident of my skills with implements so co-topping with Kami, who is fabulous at topping and who I trusted absolutely, seemed a good way of ensuring that I could play in a safe way despite being a rookie.

I took some time to build up Eris's trepidation before taking her downstairs to the dungeon. The advantage of being a fellow bottom is that you know just how powerful things like grabbing someone by the base of their hair and making them look up at you or whispering threats in their ear can be. Eris was already a bit unsteady by the time we got her downstairs!!

Kami appeared happy for me to take a lead on the setting up of the scene (it wasn't exactly planned, but worked out that way!) and I talked to Eris repeatedly as Kami beat her with a ruler, telling her why she was being beaten, what a good girl she was for keeping still, making her beg for each stroke etc. etc. I went for reassuring and comforting whilst being cold and relentless – I knew that would get into Eris's head nicely!!! I winced at every stroke Kami made and I simply couldn't have hit her that hard.. I knew objectively, from knowing Eris, that this was within her tolerance level and that actually Kami was spot on the line – pushing her to the limit but just comfortably on the right side of it – but I really struggled not to tell her to stop. I was grateful I had established there would be a dozen strokes before the scene started as I would otherwise have bottled it and stopped early!

After the dozen, I could see Eris was floating but not fully there. Given her earlier warm up and fresh strokes, her bottom looked too sore to continue so I pushed her up against the wall and whipped her breasts with a flogger. By now, I was feeling much more confident. I had seen her take a lot of punishment on this area before and was confident that I couldn't do anything too dangerous with the soft flogger. Having full access to her face and facial expressions also allowed me to judge how she was doing more effectively so I was better able to fine tune the talking, reassuring and threatening. I really quite enjoyed this part, but interestingly Kami later stated that she would never have flogged Eris as hard as I – it shows its harder to watch than to do! The scene ended in hugs and a fair bit of trembling and I was reassured that the experience had been hot (interestingly as much by Kami who rather enjoyed my toppy side!). I was actually pretty nervous that I hadn't been up to scratch but felt reassured after numerous hugs.

So, am I going to change my mind and occasionally top? Occasionally, maybe. More than that? Nope. I enjoyed giving Eris pleasure but I could have just as easily bought her a present or baked her a cake! I felt strangely unmoved, untouched by it all. I had been a bit nervous at getting it right and had enjoyed the simple pleasure of making a stroke land where I had aimed at but had got nothing intrinsically from the process. My inner sadist is either missing or well hidden. If someone I cared about wanted me to do this for them, I absolutely would because it was lovely to do something nice for someone. Beyond that, I remain a bottom through and through.

The experience was well worth it though because it did give me more insight into tops. Marlowe worries sometimes that I will be scared or put off by his inner sadist. He's very wrong. This experience taught me to love it even more than I did before. His inner sadist means that I can self-indulgently enjoy being the centre of the scene as a bottom without having to worry that he is getting nothing from it. I can lie back and hand over responsibility knowing that not only will he enjoy giving me pleasure and enjoy a job well done, but will also get something from seeing me squirm, seeing me in pain. If he didn't, he might be just as unmotivated as I to top and then where would I be.

Vive the difference I say.

PS: Kami found me hot enough as a top to ask me to cane her! I won't detail this here as its a story to be told by Marlowe but, as this was another voucher, I thought I'd note it here!!

Yo Yo Yo (or why sushi makes me blush)

2012-01-05T21:57:00.000Z

I have always had a passion for sushi. Now I can't eat it without blushing.

The problem, if you can call it that, all began in a shower at the end of December. I have never been good at plotting scenes but earlier that day I had been presented with my vouchers by Kami and it had got me thinking. I have always been a bit avoidant of planning as it can turn me off and as, well to be honest, I'm a bit lazy and Marlowe is better at it than me! Marlowe was downstairs making sushi and the beginnings of an idea struck me – wouldn't it be hot to eat sushi in the gangster movie style; off a hot naked girl.

A long shower later and the plot emerged. I was the wife of a Japanese businessman entertaining an English colleague in the traditional style. I wanted to impress him, and what better way to impress than feed him sushi off of Kami. With a bit of jigging to make it more sadistic (who'd be surprised) by Marlowe, the scene was set.

I laid out my table (she didn't need a name, after all she was just a table) and invited in Mr Grant (Marlowe). From the moment he entered, his manner was cold, disdainful, with a barely contained edge of anger simmering underneath. I could begin to feel the nervousness creep as I pored him champagne and I could see the table begin to gently tremble as we knelt before it which added to my own fear. Mr Grant was furious with my husband for messing up their deal and wanted to know why he wasn't there. When I informed him he wouldn't be joining us and that we were his peace offering, he was not exactly mollified.

The scene was interesting in that we spent some considerable time talking in role initially, talking over and around the poor trembling table. Mr Grant spelled out his displeasure and made it clear that he intended to send a clear message to my husband on our hides. When I offered him the table to mark as he wished, I could feel poor Kami beginning to simmer with a mixture of anger at me and fear at the prospect. As the tension in the room increased, the sushi became harder and harder to chew as my mouth dried with nervousness; chewing a piece of Maki became a major exercise in endurance.

By this point, Mr Grant was casually tormenting the table, using the chopsticks in creative ways as well as scratching at her skin. When he demanded the table cleared and restrained, it was almost a relief – the waiting seemed the worst part. He asked me if I would take the punishment or the table, a cruel choice but one my character didn't hesitate at (though I did!). I watched as he restrained her and beat her with a ruler and a paddle until she was on the edge of tears and at the edge of her tolerance. I couldn't take any more at that point and offered to take her place. Untying her and laying down in her place took so much willpower. I had seen what he had done to her and his cold, hard face made it very clear what he intended to do to me. Again, the punishment was almost a relief and felt somehow cleaner than watching him beat the table at my instruction.

After what felt like a long while, he stopped and asked Kami whether she should take a caning or if I should; instructing me not to speak. The pause was very, very long before she could answer and I initially thought she had said “mistress”. My heart sank and I braced myself. It was only as she untied me that I realised that she had said “me, sir”. It was at this point I started crying, and didn't stop as Mr Grant repeatedly caned her. It was my fault, I had put her here and I couldn't help, couldn't make it better. My anger at my (fictional) husband was strong but, interestingly, I was never once angry at Mr Grant – just frightened. Kami was clearly flying by this point which helped me, if not my character!

After the caning, we were both clearly emotionally broken. We had no will to rebel and almost calmly submitted to the will of Mr Grant. Which was to embarrass and enjoy us. He encouraged us to pleasure each other as he watched, which was humiliating (and incredibly, incredibly hot) and then took advantage of the situation.

Ok, so I'm getting a bit British here and drawing a veil over the rest of the scene, but both Kami and I are surprisingly shy about some things :)

The scene was powerful and pushed us to limits emotionally in ways that surprised us all. Oh and very, very hot. As we chatted later, we all realised that we had reached points in the scene where we had wanted to end it, where we had felt our limits being brushed up against or where we were doing things that we normally would have said no to but somehow we had pushed through this. Physically, it wasn't demanding but for me it was more emotionally draining to feel responsible for someone else's beating than to take my own. I haven't cried that much in a scene for a while. Maybe that was why it was so hot – we had danced on the edge and had just about managed not to fall off.

Whatever the reason, next time I go to Yo Sushi, I will have a smile on my face and will probably blush into my maki :)

PS: I felt that a scene this hot merited spending a voucher:

And a Happy New Year...

2012-01-05T20:56:00.002Z

This year brought one of the most creative and intriguing Xmas presents I've received. Kami gave me vouchers. Vouchers, I hear you shout, the present of last resort for the person you don't know anything about? How are vouchers creative? They are when they are vouchers made by and, well, for Kami herself.

The vouchers offer a range of tempting propositions from the humble massage through to * blush * being pleasured in whatever way I desire. She even bravely included a blank one for me to fill in as I wished (she informed me that she trusted me not to abuse it – I promise not to allow Marlowe to fill it in). Apparently Kami had a great deal of help from Abel in constructing them, though she did comment that she needed to tone them down a little...

This leaves me with the delightful conundrum of how and when to spend my vouchers. Do I present them with requests? Do I retrospectively spend them after a scene has taken us down a particular route? Do I post them to her with appropriate dates and times attached? And how do I make the most of them? The pressure to use the blank voucher to its full potential is staggering – after all, I only have the one. What happens if I use it in March and then have a truly brilliant idea in April?????

The delightful, delightful pleasure. Comments and advice would be welcomed.

My one commitment is that I promise to blog, with voucher attached, their use. Much to poor Kami's embarrassment, and probably mine. The thing is such a beautiful gift has to be truly appreciated and by as many people as possible.

Happy new year, I know mine will be

Ps: I appear to have already used two. Oops.

From Hell

2011-12-18T13:01:00.000Z

Saturday, 16.05

Shh! I'm hiding!

I've found a small space to tuck myself away from the horror and I think I'm safe for the moment, but no one make a sound!

Oh the horror, the horror.

I am in great danger, and it's not just physical danger - my very soul is at risk if I don't protect myself. I just have to survive for two days and I'll be OK, but two days can seem such an eternity.

Hmm, perhaps I should explain. I'm down doing the Christmas visit to my family! For two days I cannot escape, I must just survive.

OK, there is just a tiny possibility that I may be being overdramatic about this, but seriously it's genuinely a bit of a trial having my adult self thrown back into the relationships, attitudes and environment where a very confused adolescent had to sort out who he was and untangle how he felt about his kink twenty something years ago.

So, I can be adult and reflect on the issues of identity and experience, or I can drop any pretence of rationality and just go on a big stream of consciousness rant in a barbed and bitchy way. Which way do you think this is going?

I'm only going to get to grab ten minutes at a time to write this, so let's see what comes out over an increasingly cloying afternoon in which I am likely to drink whatever is available. If I'm particularly unwise, I'll then post it unedited at the end of the night. Should I apologise now?

They're coming! Signing off!

Saturday - 17.23

Th calm before the storm. Full Christmas meal being prepared, most of family yet to turn up. Hiding for a few minutes and have discovered iPod headphones. Picked some appropriate music for feeling like a rebellious teenager - the sisters of mercy.

So, why do I find this so difficult. I have a broadly supportive, loving family background and yes, I'm fully aware how many people have had to survive far worse. In truth most of my childhood was fine. It diverged from this steadily as I began to evolve my sense of self and finally had to realise that I didn't fit. From a very conventional, evangelically Christian family it gets difficult to discover that either you are going to have to spend your life crushing your real self or break away.

Saturday - late

I've described some of this before, though not here. Kami once asked me what I got out of playing dark scenes. One of the three strands of that answer was a big part of why I became really uncomfortable with the family culture and aesthetic. I'll need to censor that previous answer but let's cut and paste it and censor as needed:

"Well a big part of the answer comes in a hunger for experience and intensity, a dark aesthetic sense which has been with me in differing degrees since my childhood. Some people get by with normal lives and experience, and are quite content. I'm not. I want and need more.

There is a restless need for experience that makes my biggest challenge in day to day life just surviving the bland banality that surrounds us. That cloying web of tedium, social normality and duty that seems completely fulfilling for most but leaves me spiralling into ennui.

This doesn't just fuel my kink side. It's why I have done a lot of the things in my life... Extremes of sensation and emotion have always fascinated me and it's in large part why kink first fascinated me and why I jumped at my first chance to experience it. Arguably a little extreme for 16, I neither hesitated nor regretted anything.

This restless, dark aesthetic is very tied up my kink. It's why negative emotions are interesting to explore, why breathlessly intense kink will always score over vanilla (unless it's really good vanilla, though that then seems to make it automatically kinky in the eyes of most of the world!). Interestingly, I can actually pinpoint the life experience that really brought this aesthetic to the fore, though as I was only eight at the time I think it's safe to say that the sexuality got attached to it later!

This strand is a big part of me, a big part of my kink, though not the dominant part in really heavy scenes, at least not when I'm topping. Remembering the first time, that was interesting because it was the first occasion that I met someone who I knew, instinctively, very early on, shared a similar darkness to my own. Something that a religious upbringing had left me feeling very negative about. "

So, welcome to the bland banality, mixed with the ghosts of years of self doubt and the fear I was some sort of evil corruptor. Phantoms that I still carry around in faint form, to whisper their doubts at moments where I am at my lowest. They are loud tonight, and sleep may be some time in coming.

It's curious how we all learn to adapt, grow and survive but many of us carry scars. Old ghosts of doubt and pain. And all this despite basically loving my life.

Oh well, tomorrow I escape and this will feel like a bad dream. I think I will post this, though I'm not sure. If I do so it will be because this may in future be read by people who hit the same confusion and identify with it with a wry smile. And it may be read by people who are in the middle of that confusion, who I hope would recognise some aspects of my distaste and see that most of my life passes untroubled by this.

Hangin' on the telephone

2011-12-04T10:42:00.000Z

Hmm, not sure how normal this makes my life sound but a couple of months back (also known as about a week before I originally wrote this, but hey, for me that's almost an instant posting!) I was the person on the other end of the phone getting excited and nervous texts from someone on their way to go and scene, then about two days later had exactly the same experience with another friend.

It's something that happens every so often and I suspect that if you are reading this you are rather more likely to have this happen than the general population. In fact, this may well be so normal for you that this seems pointless to reflect on, in which case feel free to leave this posting here. Personally, I may have been involved in kink for...more years than I want to admit to, but for various reasons it is only in the last few years that I've experienced this, and having two occurrences so close to each other really flagged up that it's an interesting and slightly odd situation.

The first of these two occasions was on a classic dull midweek evening, where it was slightly incongruous but a hell of an interesting lift to get a text from someone on their way to play for the evening, nervously sharing the news that their partner had replaced the cane he'd broken on her the last time they played. Its an interesting mix of emotions when you get this sort of thing, particularly as it comes when you are in non kink headspace. There's a bit of entertainment, just hearing that nervous excitement makes you grin. There's a bit of, well actually I'm not sure what the right word is. Arousal? Not quite right the right term as there's definitely a little waking up of erotic interest but it's not really directly sexual. Actually, the relationship between "hot" in a kink sense and sexually arousing could occupy several blog postings and still not find the right words. On top of that there is always a touch of jealousy as that kink bit wakes up and I fancy scening myself, balanced against another feeling that I'm going to struggle to express clearly - a lovely sense of feeling involved, albeit on a peripheral level, with that persons experience, knowing that you are trusted enough to be brought inside that envelope of experience and that you can share in their excitement.

Hmm, probably a bit of a weak description but hopefully it conveys the mixture of emotions to a tolerable degree.

So there I am on a midweek evening and the text turns up from Alice. Well, that breaks across the mundane evening! But then you need to respond appropriately. Sounds easy, but you want to share excitement. To communicate, to contact, to reassure and it's easy to stumble into sounding jealous or like you are just taking the mickey. This is complicated slightly with Alice as we were lovers for several very hot years and could have become a real item had it not been for some rather tangled other relationships for each of us. Keeping contact and working through a heartache back to close friendship was difficult and took us a good few years, but being able to share moments with someone who really knows you and who you are safe to be honest with makes it all worth it.

Maybe that's the defining link in all this that has been wriggling away in the back of my mind as a reason to write this piece. Knowing that you are really safe with someone, and they are safe with you, both in overall friendship and being safe to be honest about kink, because the second occasion, the following Saturday, the texts were from Kami who is someone that Lily and I both feel absolutely and entirely safe with.

This occasion was entertaining when I got the first text from Kami on the train on the way to go scening. Is there something about trains? Alice texted me from the train as well.

Why entertaining? Well, we were out for the evening for a rocky horror show themed party, with a plan to go clubbing later in the evening. The assembled company included a few people who were kinky, several that had scened with us, including Mina and Robert that had also scened with Kami, and a mix of vanillas and semi vanillas. An interesting headspace! We kept a few texts exchanging through the evening, so I got a post scene report as well :)

Yep, that confirms why I wanted to write a posting about this. To explore exactly how those moments feel. The slight nerves at sending a reply that supports but doesn't break that building excitement matched with the joy of sharing the experience. Mmm, lovely. It's one of those things that really add to the enjoyment of life.

Not that the Saturday evening got any easier, but I'll leave the story of explaining to friends why Lily was snogging Mina until later! I will mention as a footnote here that in one of the texts I did warn Kami that my kink tends to get darker in winter and received the reply "you don't need to warn, I will welcome the winter gladly! ;)". Where that led is currently, ongoing!

Scenes from the life of a fictional character - part one?

2011-11-24T21:35:00.001Z

I'm hoping that this doesn't sound too crazy, but given that we really enjoy roleplaying as a good chunk of our kink play, particular characters can develop a real history over time. We have a few like that but if I mention the idea of characters taking on a life of their own, one of Lily's characters shoots immediately to mind.

Charlotte.

We've had a great deal of fun with Charlotte, and she really does have a life of her own. Given that we like to plan kink role playing as "scenario" - some ideas and a starting point to play - rather than "script" where everything is set out, scenes can go in unexpected directions and Charlotte has taken us some interesting places.

Looking through old blog pieces I had written, I came across the first blog post I ever wrote - and didn't post, thus setting up a tradition that lasts to this day. It was actually about the first time we played with HH and Kami. I might post it at some point if anybody's interested in reading it. It never got posted as it was written only shortly before our play with Lyra began and talking about blogging with Lyra led to this blog and it's original focus. Hmm, I digress

Thinking about Charlotte made me think about that post because, though I didn't mention it in that write up, that was where Lily first played her and, as with all really good role play, got really in touch with Charlottes emotions. Charlotte (or "Lottie") came out of that roleplay with a really strong sense of conviction. A conviction that if this was the road to becoming a "good girl", she didn't want to be one. It wasn't so much the spanking that worried her. She found that quite arousing. It was the absolute servitude that she felt herself rebelling against. Instead a girl who felt certain stirrings watching a girl soundly spanked might find other gainful employment where she had rather more control over her own life.

In short, Lottie came out of that scene with a conviction that she wanted to run away from her guardian and become a kinky hooker.

This has led to some very interesting scenes. Anyone interested in hearing a few scenes from her life? I might even tempt Lily into commenting!

A return

2011-11-21T22:03:00.002Z

Wow, I am setting out to break the habit of months and write a blog posting - and then actually post it! If this appears on the blog it will be a break from my recent tradition of writing blog postings and then not posting them, though some of those might find their way here over the next few weeks. So, what has led me to this change?

Well, it was simple really. I really enjoyed reading the write up by Kami on her blog of a scene we played last time she came up to see Lily and myself. It left me really wanting to reciprocate, so here I am, sitting in my kitchen and sorting through a vivid kaleidoscope of images and impressions - it was quite a weekend! Kami's post about fridays scene would be difficult to add anything to, though I might write in the future about how a throwaway comment led to it, but there was another scene that really stood out as interesting that weekend.

The image I hold of this scene starting begins with Mina, another close friend and play partner, strapped solidly down to the top of our vaulting horse, handcuffed and me contemplating what to do with her. This may not seem an obvious point for memory to record the start of a scene, unless anyone reading this has minions to do that tedious work of dragging a gorgeous young lady upstairs and strap them down, so let's rewind a couple of steps!

On that Saturday we had a party. "That" sort of party. As opposed to the "not that sort of party" that occasionally get a little bit out of hand at ours. Rewinding another couple of steps, it was following a classic case of a "not that sort of party" getting a little out of hand last new years eve that led to Lily and I having a quiet chat with Mina and her partner Robert about kink. We have had a few memorable evenings since, though not as many as we might have liked with busy lives on both sides. The party had hit quite a light, fun kinky vibe at the point where Mina was kidnapped and dragged upstairs to the playroom, which got a little more hot when she turned around and said "so, what are you going to do with me?" with a bit of challenge in her eyes. About thirty seconds saw her strapped to the top of the vaulting horse at back, thighs and calves and that look in her eyes was really starting to show that mix of challenge and arousal that I just find utterly irresistible. She had a really good struggle against her bonds and found they weren't going anywhere. Handcuffs removed the possibility of freeing herself and so I found myself slightly unexpectedly looking at quite a hot situation. Her hair was cascading down one end of the vaulting horse but meeting her gaze and seeing the arousal in her eyes and that subtle change in breathing left me very clear we were ready to play.

I found myself thinking that this had caught a really interesting buzz but that it had better not go too far without Lily and Robert being OK with it. This ceased being a problem when I looked around and found them both curled up at the other side of the room and eyebrows and gestures quickly conveyed "are you OK with this" from me and "yes, we're enjoying watching" from them.

I can't remember if I asked Kami to join us by voice or gesture (it never ceases to amaze me how much you can communicate with something as simple as a raised eyebrow), just that again there was that flash of collusion and then there were three of us involved in that shared, heightened state that is the heart of getting a scene together. I hope that doesn't come across as too metaphysical, because personally it's a huge component of any really hot scene. A sense of chemistry and shared experience. A heightening of perception and complete focus on the people involved with everyone else fading back into the scenery.

I have seen Kami top before and we have jointly topped Lily on several occasions. She's superb at it, with the right instincts and really good at reading the reactions of a bottom. Interestingly, though she had scened with Mina (& Robert) several times, she's never topped Mina before.

It was so right as a mix. She supported, comforted and shared emotion with Mina while I paddled her - and added to her sensations by doing wicked things to her nipples. After a time I moved to take over at Mina's head and Kami took over the other end with - well actually I'm finding I can't remember if it was a strap or cane. That's always a pretty good sign as it means that my head was in the right place - focussed on the scene and my part which was then the role of comforter, whispering sweet, supportive threats in Mina's ear.

Kami enjoys topping most with a partner who doesn't do the stoic thing, a partner who shows reaction and who you can really generate chemistry with. Mina is a woman who is utterly beautiful to play with as she completely abandons herself to sensation and reaction. A beautiful woman anyway (I should note that she has Lilys favourite set of boobs!), she looks just so hot when she has abandoned all inhibition. That interplay was just wonderful to be a part of. I have no idea how long it took to move from gasps to tears but when they came Mina stayed just as abandoned, sobbing and sobbing as I cradled and stroked her head. It felt like a real catharsis and was intensely powerful to be a part of. Kami slowed but continued, picking up the emotional state and what was needed perfectly, slowing to a stop at a perfect moment to join me in holding, stroking and supporting Mina as the sobs slowed and she lay there exhausted.

We gently unstrapped her and just held her for a time, hugging as she came back to herself and supporting her as her legs trembled and refused to hold her and then closeness of the immediate scene began to fade, the rest of the room came back and there was much hugging and, a little later, quite a lot of adjusting clothing and repairing makeup!

In many ways this scene was a simple one, but the intense emotion and release in it was wonderful. Afterwards, Mina said that it had freed weeks of frustrations from work and allowed them to be purged and released. Hmm, therapeutic spanking is a topic I may pick up in the future.

Later that evening Kami and Mina came together for another type of scene, but I think I will gloss over that one to spare the blushes of the innocent. Hmm, actually that's probably more accurately worded "to spare the blushes of the thoroughly guilty".

Fun though :)

Ladies and gentlemen – choose your masks!

2011-03-22T19:48:00.000Z

I was almost tempted to write a third perspective on the scenario described by Emma Jane and Lily. As there are already two interesting accounts it felt like overkill, but there was an aspect that I found quite interesting. EJ later commented in conversation that she was surprised (pleasantly surprised I think and hope!) that I'd been able to put on such a cold and demeaning persona for the scene. This was interesting as I really enjoy roleplay and, as she had been able to communicate really clearly the experience and headspace she was exploring, I had taken some care to build a persona that fitted what she wanted out of the scene and then really enjoyed letting myself just inhabit that character and play out the scene.

I'm quite a big fan of roleplaying. I've never been entirely convinced that roleplaying allows you to put on another personality but it certainly allows you to magnify and explore aspects of your own and shut other parts up into a small cupboard and lock them away for a while. Pretty much anyone interesting will have enough of a mess of contradictions in their make-up to give a huge field to be explored and I have certainly been able to inhabit radically different aspects of my personality and see the world from very different viewpoints.

Back in my teens I was rather more of a switch, (though by the time I got to 18, I was already quite predominantly dominant) and in bottoming you can absolutely lose yourself in a character. In fact, to do so can be an almost ecstatic pleasure.

Topping always adds a note of limitation to becoming a character. I've mentioned this before but it bears repeating that as a top you always have to leave a safe, rational part of you in control. Given that its easy to find persona's that are interesting but not, in any objective sense, safe then this means a degree of compromise. This is why I really enjoy scenarios where I'm clear of what the other peoples likes and wants are – if you can inhabit a persona that fits, then you can get closer to just living that role for a while, and that is a very interesting place to be.

I'd be interested on comment on this. After all, it means that I find it harder to answer the question “what are you into” and there are plenty of people who appear to view topping as about enjoying enforcing a certain set of behaviours on their bottoms/subs/whatever label you wish to use.

Don't get me wrong, I'm enough of a spanko that I need no excuse to enjoy beating someone's bottom. It may be uncomfortable to mention it, but whilst I very much enjoy giving pleasure when scening, there is that little dark shard in my soul that just enjoys the raw, atavistic urge toward power and inflicting pain. I suspect I share that awareness with most tops who have had the courage to look at what drives them! Lets be honest, pretty much anyone is physically capable of inflicting more pain than anyone can stand, so any sadistic urges have to be put into some sort of balance (well, either that or the criminal justice system!).

Personally, I don't find it difficult to channel that urge. It's weaker than the urge to look after and nurture partners and the competing drives meet a comfortable balance in topping kinky folks in a way that fits their needs – hence what I'm into varying a lot based on circumstance, “chemistry” and partner. That balance does need quite a lot of experience, care and so forth so while I always enjoy scening where my partner/s have enjoyed the experience, it is possible for that to feel a bit like the pleasure of facilitating anothers enjoyment.

Which is why I so enjoy roleplaying on the occasions that needs and boundaries are sufficiently clear that the with the right role I can pretty much just flow into it.

Can I give some examples?

Do I hear a cry of “No, we don't want to wallow in some filthy kink reminiscence!”?

Hmm, didn't think so.

OK, there are three occasions that immediately spring to mind as examples of very different roles that were really interesting to play (and that I'm prepared to share!). One of them was very recent and with some new play partners who I haven't yet asked how they feel about me blogging, so I'll drop that one (though I may come back to it – it was an absolutely delicious scene) and relate the others, both of which were a few months back.

Roleplay one – In an interesting subversion of roles Lily and I set up a roleplay where her character was a naughty schoolgirl who had been found by her housemaster to have cheated on a final exam. Yawn, sounds absolutely formulaic doesn't it? What made it interesting was setting the roles up a little unusually, with a rather bumbling and good natured housemaster who may have had some desires for putting a naughty girl over his knees but because of nervousness and a sense of honour had never used corporal punishment at all, meeting a rather corrupt schoolgirl that enjoyed kink, quite fancied getting some, and, when she found out that her cheating had been discovered, was absolutely sure she was going to need something good to break this teachers sense of honour and get him to cover up for her.

This was fascinating to play. I don't think I've ever played a character while topping that was as nervous as this one, but I was determined to let Belle (the schoolgirl) know that I had found out her disgraceful cheating and that I was going to have to tell the headmaster and exam board!

I think Lily really got into an interesting headspace on her part as she pretended bitter remorse, manipulated me into spanking her and then letting all control go as I caned and then fucked her, leaving her to gloat over her now complete control of the situation. It was really interesting to be in the headspace of quite a timid character who was cutting loose in an absolutely unrestrained way. Him cutting loose was still quite tame by some of our standards but it was a fascinating set of emotions to go through.

Different. Powerful. Interesting.

I don't think I'd want to play that character all that often but it was a very interesting experience.

Roleplay two – in a continuation of the ongoing saga of one of Lilys roleplaying characters, Charlotte, we had set up quite an intense scene to be played when Lily was in the right mood for it. The scene involved her character (who without giving you the extensive life history, had turned to becoming a kinky prostitute) being confronted by a local vice squad officer who during an investigation had found explicit photographs of Charlotte (which had come from an earlier scene we had played).

This was always going to be quite a dark scene, high on humiliation, coercion and punishment. I was quite clear what Lily was expecting and we left it to her to prompt this scene being used at a point that she was in the right mood to go somewhere deep and dark and relish the journey.

This one really wasn't going to work for her if it was a stern but nurturing character. This one was clearly going to require a character that was a real bastard. We clearly had some time to get ideas straight, so I let it percolate around my consciousness for a few days and what came out was a Policeman with a real old testament religious fervour to him. Someone who would be disgusted by what Charlotte had become, who would make the experience as embarrassing as possible and who would give her the option of taking punishment instead of prosecution because he would feel that physical punishment was “better for her”. Add a dash of frustrated perve so that he would guiltily enjoy the experience and I had my man. I then put him to one side until needed.

Several weeks later I got a text mid afternoon at work. “Message to DI King from ***** Police Station. We have intercepted a credit card transaction for Miss Charlotte Brigham as requested. She appears to be hiring a dungeon in the ***** area for the weekend. Let us know if you need back up if you are planning to make an arrest”.

To be honest my first response was actually confusion. It had been a couple of weeks and I was in work mode but after a few moments it all clicked into place and put a smile on my face. On my way home I had to pull off of the road for a few minutes, think over my character, let his history and world view flow over me, then set off again as DI King.

Knocking on the front door produced a rather sluttily dressed young lady who was surprised to find a stranger rather than her evening appointment on the doorstep. From there it just flowed beautifully. DI King was not going to go further than I knew Lily wanted to go so I just let that persona go fairly unfettered, just that little guardian in my head keeping an eye on things.

Making Charlotte view every picture, confirm that it was her and making her explain what she was doing was fascinating. Apparently, I had the light of religious zeal in my eyes and it was plain that I was looking on her as a deviant fallen woman. Making her comment on the photos of bondage and spanking.

Then the offer – arrest or ... other means of retribution. It's interesting that Lily reported this as a really intense pivotal moment for her, knowing that this Policeman was going to make her pay for her sins but equally aware of how much it would constrain her characters freedom if she did not.
Then a very dark and intense scene, punishment, tears and … other things.
Again, this isn't a head space that I'd want to inhabit all that often but a fascinating experience.

Again – Different. Powerful. Intense.

Maybe thats why I like roleplaying with interesting kink scening. In different ways it can throw you into fascinating and pleasurable experiences. I thoroughly recommend it!

Ladies and Gentlemen – please choose your masks, and feel free to change them as often as you like.

a painful awakening - through the looking glass

2011-03-21T19:18:00.006Z

Some of you who read this blog (and I'm told there is more than just marlowe and I!) have probably also read "a painful awakening" (see links if you haven't - it's well worth a read) and have read EJ's recent post Shamed to tears...

It was fascinating to me to read this posting as the world from Claudia's view was so different from that of Epsilon (I think poor Claudia can be forgiven for getting the name wrong, given the circumstances) that I thought that this might be of interest to some.

Marlowe and I had been in on the plotting and wanted to make this a scene which fitted to Emma Janes's fantasies but we were pretty sure it could be hot for us too. This was going to be a very different role for me as I have a tendency to struggle before submitting - to play the role of the punished or the abused, not the worshipped and revered.

As I got into the car, Marlowe (by then Mr Hawthorne) instructed me very carefully on his expectations of me for the evening. I was to be an example and I was not to let him down. It was made very clear to me that his reputation with HH's character was partially dependent on my behaviour and how I presented. I was reminded that I was Epsilon, one of many slaves and that I didn't merit a name. Should I fail him, I could easily be demoted or replaced.

This filled me with a huge sense of dread. Not only did I potentially fear repercussions of failure, I very strongly felt a sense of responsibility - my behaviour could potentially shame my master which was a horrible thought. It could also earn me loss of my place or status which would be devastating to me.

As we arrived at the house, the door was answered by a tear stained and rumpled slave. I had no idea how to react; was this going to be the expectation of the house? Was this a fair and just response to a naughty slave or a demanding and unjust master who would submit me to similar punishment (neither Marlowe or HH are reknowned for being fair when they get together so both Lily and Epsilon were nervous on that score!)?

My heart in my mouth, I followed the slave into the living room. I knew my role and curled up at my master's feet as expected. The conversation went on over my head as I watched the desolate and bedraggled girl in front of me. What could she have done that was so bad? Could I end up doing the same? Could I end up like her?

As the scene progressed, I was petted and handled by both HH and Marlowe. From the outside this may have looked nurturing and kind but from the inside I was filled with the fear that being placed on a pedastool gave me further to fall. It was also deeply objectifying - as they handled my hair and breasts, I felt like a pekinese or a poodle being stroked and petted. I was afraid to move or show any reaction but was equally afraid that a lack of reaction would be interpreted as ungrateful. All the time, I was conscious of the girl in front of me - a constant reminder that I was simply one slip away from this state. I sat and hoped that I would not be noticed and was filled with panic every time I made a possible mistep - moving to get the master's drink when he hadn't given me permission, shifting position to manage a numb leg from apparently graceful but deeply uncomfortable shoes!

When the time came for the punishment, I was in a heightened state of awareness. From many scenes previous (though not with this character)I was aware of what would constitute obedient behaviour. The punishment was not greatly severe but as I was cold and nervous; it hurt. I am, Marlowe will confirm, someone who needs to turn pain into either wriggling or moaning. I find standing in pose and not making a sound almost impossible but I made it that evening. I had little concern for Claudia by this stage - I simply wanted to make sure that nothing that I did drew the attention away from her and on to me as I simply couldn't bear to end up in the same state as her.

What interests me is that Epsilon would have been grateful to have been ignored or dismissed in the way that so upset Claudia. The pressure of being under the spotlight was almost too much and I was grateful when the scene was called to a close and I had been as expected - the perfect slave.

It also interests me that such different reactions towards Epsilon and Claudia caused similar emotions of objectification and fear. My empathy for her state and my fear that "but for the grace of god go I..." made the process uncomfortable and mortifying. I took no pleasure from the petting, seeing it as a reminder of my place and feeling like I was nothing but an object lesson. This state of care was too fickle to be nurturing or reinforcing in anyway. The objectification was humiliating - Marlowe handed me to HH to stroke and play with like a favoured toy. As he pinched and squeezed my nipples, I strove to make myself a blank canvas and not show the feelings I experienced.

When poor EJ couldn't turn round at the end of the scene, I felt awful - responsible for her humiliation like I had somehow been the cause of it. I was so grateful to get a hug from her and know she didn't hate me (though revenge has now been had.....).

the queen of clubs

2011-03-18T08:11:00.003Z

Last night, for the first time in a really long time (even longer than the last time I contributed to this blog!), Marlowe and I went to a fet club. We used to enjoy clubbing, travelling to various different clubs around the country on a fairly regular basis. For us it was always a prompt to play - an excuse to dress up and a reminder that there was more to life than work. However, with having less local opportunities to club and having more friends to play with, we have played in other ways much more of late.

Last night was the opening night of a local club run by two really lovely people who we have known for a while. We went along with two good friends to have a look at the place and see what the night was like. The club itself had a good vibe with a nice layout and equipment and lovely friendly people. Most importantly to us, there was lots and lots of play space and a friendly audience to satisfy my inner exhibitionist.

Marlowe was in a deeply sensuous mood and started playing with a mixture of gentle hand spanks and flogging over the skirt. Alternating this with strokes and teasing took me to a floaty head space early on and I found myself disappearing into myself, unaware of the crowd. He very quickly moved into using a ruler (ann summers came up trumps with a surprisingly effective and cheap wooden ruler) and a paddle as warm up tools and soon my poor bottom was pink and warm all over. Although we hadn't pre discussed any kind of roles or head space, I very quickly slipped into a submissive and obedient head space, instantly obeying and calling him sir. The first time you use the term sir to marlowe, it brings out his inner dom and he becomes increasingly demanding and stern. He pulled me up from the horse by the root of my hair and instructed me to stand by the radiator and watch the other scenes going on, whispering in my ear and stroking my reddened arse as we waited.

Marlowe borrowed a cane from our friend and was flexing it to find how it handled. The nervousness cut through the slightly floaty and obedient head space and I couldn't stop myself from nervouslly giggling. Before I was even really aware, he pulled me up by the root of my hair and bent me over the horse, giving me six firm strokes with the cane to teach me respect.

After a break for a drink, I was returned to the horse for a proper caning (apparently these six didn't count) and made to count out the next two dozen. As he is a kind soul, Marlowe invited two of our friends to hold my hands and comfort me as he caned me firmly. To be honest, this was of little comfort and I found my comfort deep within myself as each stroke laid a line of fire across me. After a dozen strokes, I began to float higher and higher and by two dozen my legs were about to give in. I think Marlowe had intended to continue but realised I was probably going to fall over if he did so I escaped, floating high on endorphins and adrenalin.

I've often felt that straight sensation play and play in clubs gets a bad press - that people talk of not being able to get into a head space and not being able to play as deeply. Nights like last night remind me that with the right atmosphere, the right audience and the right top (I'm lucky, I admit), I can sink into myself in a way that is intensified by people and by the fact that there is only pain - no role to hide behind.

I think we'll go back next month.

A statement of intent

2011-03-17T10:22:00.000Z

My goodness - how long is it since I posted?

It's not through lack of things to write - I've recently talked with friends about how useful it is to blog as a means of reflection and my kink life has been really busy. So why have I been putting this off?

The simplest answer is probably that I've been really busy with other things. Life gets in the way really quickly between work and other interests. I guess there comes a limit to energy and creativity. Thats the simplest answer but it's not the only one. I have been genuinely unsure how much to use this blog since Lyra moved on. This is a bit silly as when I've talked to her about it she seems fine with it progressing, but part of me has been loath to do things like re-writing the blurb at the top of the home page and I've had a bit of a block on what to do with other pieces I had written about our relationship. There are some bits that I have wanted to post as they're quite powerful but not wanted to seem - well, it feels a bit wrong to be posting things about a past assignation.

I puzzled on this one for a while and I think I have resolved not to just post them, but to draw on them freely when blogging on themes where they fit.

The other thing that gets in the way is that sense of being overwhelmed and wanting to write so many things that I can't find the time for any of them. This is a perrenial problem for me and one that is an occasional major hinderance in personal correspondence. In emails my classic problem is where someone sends me an email that makes me want to respond on many points. I then put off replying until I have time to do so thoroughly, realise that its been a bit of a long pause and feel it needs an extra thorough response to make up for it and then never get round to replying.

Hopeless huh?

SO - If I accept that anything prior to christmas is dead and gone and give myself a "to do" list for the next month or so then I will set out to blog about:

Our christmas party and the fine tensions between those that know about your involvement in Kink, those that know a bit, and those that know nothing. This will almost certainly use the phrase "it's not that kind of party"
Explore different kinds of scening, in particular looking at the use of nurture in fairly heavy scenes. This isn't something that always fits but does seem to be quite a natural part of my approach to topping much of the time.
Role playing and the division between the person and the role (recently had a few interesting points here.
Document some really good times and the addition of a new couple to our kink acquaintance.

There are a few other bits that could make it to that list but I think I'll go for keeping it simple and actually post the damn thing!

There - as the title says, a statement of intent!

Who am I today?

2010-10-02T17:30:00.003+01:00

Marlowe and I have been experimenting more with hypnosis. It appears I have gone from a sceptic to an ardent enthusiast!

Last night we went fetish clubbing with a group of friends. We decided to try out the hypnosis under more challenging situations so snuck off to a quiet corner and used a trance state to bring out Charlotte, the prostitute met in an earlier blog post.

To say I was sceptical that it would work was an understatement. I was in a loud and busy setting, with a range of people who would be addressing me as Lily, who wouldn't know what was going on, and who certainly wouldn't know how to react if they did. I am pleased to say I was well and truly wrong.

Marlowe talked Charlotte into taking over for a while as an escort hired to accompany him to the club. She stepped into my body and I genuinally took a back seat. It's hard to describe the sensation. I was still there but metaphorically sat back having a cup of tea whilst she interacted with the world. The best description I can give of the sensation is entering so much into role in a role play that you intuitively act as your character without being aware that you have made the choice to.

Apparently Charlotte walks, talks and acts differently to Lily. I was later described as feline and a little hard faced by the friends I was with whilst there as Charlotte. Charlotte apparently is more of an exhibitionist than me and was happy to freely strip down in a club - something I might do under a great deal of persuasion but certainly not willingly. Charlotte also liked to be spanked - to the degree that she repeatedly asked Marlowe to return to spanking her even when he had stopped (not very Lily - esque). I think the best moment of realising how much I had created Charlotte as a real entity was when I found Lily and her having a conversation whilst I had nipped to the loo. Quite bizarre but fascinating and strangely liberating.

I am finding it difficult to not sound like a bit of a loon as I write this - there is something about talking to yourself in the third person that makes you feel a little loopy - but Charlotte was to all intents and purposes a real person with her own dislikes and likes (including apparently a different taste in drinks from Lily). Discovering these aspects of me and these different personas is becoming a fascinating journey into my subconscious - I only wish I had the words to be able to describe it more effectively.

paul mckenna eat your heart out

2010-09-21T14:07:00.002+01:00

Marlowe and I this weekend had a lot of fun with something we have only played with before - erotic hypnosis.

I have always been a sceptic and was somewhat convinced that I could never be hypnotised but actually our first few attempts at playing with this just to see if I could be hypnotised had surprised me by their effectiveness. It is a very strange experience - you are at once entirely in control of your body and entirely out of control. I am aware of all that is happening and know that I could pull myself out of the trance and refuse if I was asked to do something that was really abhorrent to me. However, I find my body reacting to instruction with my conscious mind playing "catch up" and more than once I have persuaded myself I was just going along with things in order to explain why I suddenly found myself with my arm in the air for no apparent reason.

We decided to use hypnosis to enhance a role play scenario that we had already been playing around with - Mary, a catholic schoolgirl who, although trying to be good, always seemed to mess up. Marlowe took me down into my subconscious in a trance like state and asked me to look into a mirror and see Mary there. I was able to observe and describe her like she was actually there - like she was a person independent of me. Marlowe then instructed me to step into the mirror and become Mary.

Instantly, there was a shift in body language, attitude and thoughts. It was noticeable to me and apparently very notable to Marlowe. This first attempt at role play was just used to introduce me to Mary but, to see if the character could be altered, Marlowe proceeded to talk me (Mary at that time) through some instructions to see if I could become aroused. At the peak of this, he instructed me to leave the mirror and return to me, Lily. The arousal disappeared instantly and I had no connection to my previous body state. This was a very strange experience.

On a second attempt, I went into Mary as before and stayed as Mary for an entire scene (a relatively short one as we wanted to see how well this would work). Father Brown was pushing Mary for being caught masturbating (a cliche but it works....). What was odd for me was that I behaved completely differently to normal during the punishment scene. I was desperate to please Father Brown and was mortified when I did not take a stroke well. I worked very very hard to stay still and silent and accept my punishment like a good girl (something I'm not reknowned for - I usually have to either wriggle or squinny or sometimes both). I was also desperate to receive every last stroke, and firmly at that, as I wanted to correct my mistake and learn to be better. There was no begging, pleading, or attempts at managing the situation. I was getting what I deserved.

A different punishment experience lead to a completely different outcome for me. The experience actually tapped into something within me and released a whole load of emotion that I wasn't aware of. Father Brown had been incredibly nurturing of Mary and had helped her to learn what she had done wrong but showed her he still loved her. I think this really tapped into some of my own childhood emotions of feeling like I was doing something wrong but not really knowing what - Mary received what I never had, a sense of loving correction and acceptance that I was trying my best and that I was only human. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing that I had been spanked more as a child (though maybe.....), it is simply that Father Brown provided nurturance and forgiveness for a lost and guilty girl - Mary had obviously represented aspects of my subconscious and the caring and loving she received was more than welcomed by my inner child. A bit over analytical maybe, but all I know is I felt lighter and more at peace that night than I had in a while. And, while I'm not unfamiliar with using punishment as a release for current emotion, it had previously not been able to reach deep enough into me to release past emotion. Hypnosis had allowed me to go deeper into myself and my emotions.

I can't wait to explore all the other personalities in there and see what kink and hypnosis does for them - I visualised a whole hall of mirrors, all with different names and different faces. It could be a busy winter...

a happy ending

2010-09-18T15:40:00.004+01:00

I have missed you too Lyra, as I am know has Marlowe. Hearing from you again has been wonderful - to know that you have no regrets, to know that you enjoyed it all as much as us and, most of all, to hear that you are happy.

We were always sad to let Lyra go but so excited at the prospect of her finding a potential for love in a way that Marlowe and I shared it that this sadness was always overwhelmed by excitement and hope for her. I knew it would be time limited and in many ways I think that was best for me. As Lyra commented, I had a lot to process in entering into my first polyamorous relationship (I have gotten over a lot of hang ups along the way, look I can even use the words....) and I think I got so lost in overthinking some bits that I missed some of the fun by worrying about what was going to happen afterwards.

I don't think I got at the time how much I was dealing with and how fast it was all coming at me. Because our relationship felt so natural, I entered into many of the experiences with abandon. The cost of this was having a lot to deal with, often the next day, particularly as I have a massive tendency to overanalyse. The relationship left me needing to redefine my sexual identity, explore my feelings towards Marlowe and his feelings towards me. It left me having to think about what love meant to me and whether I ever wanted to engage in a polyamorous relationship again.

The conclusions to all this thought? Actually the experience had changed very little for me other than arriving at one vital conclusion. Marlowe and I both have a great potential to love and we can both love others without it damaging our relationship - indeed our relationship has been closer and stronger than ever after our relationship with Lyra. I have come to the conclusion that this was a wonderful, loving, fabulous experience and I only wish I had stopped looking at my navel as much and enjoyed every second a little more (hindsight is a wonderful thing). And would I do it again? In a heartbeat.

I never saw Lyra as the other woman interestingly (I think she worries almost as badly as me - maybe that's why we got on so well) and I never feared what I thought I might fear in that situation; that Marlowe would leave me for Lyra. If anything, the more irritating problem was that I almost felt I should worry about it - that there was something wrong with me and my relationship with Marlowe that meant I didn't worry about it! I am aware though that my frequent need to stop and figure out what was going on for me meant that I could on occasions be withdrawn or distant in a way that may have been stressful for both Lyra and Marlowe. I hope that this wasn't too badly the source of Lyra's worry.

Overall, I have only one regret - that I didn't throw myself into the experience with more passion and more singlemindedness from the beginning.

Ah well, I will next time.

Thank you Lyra, for teaching me how to love in a broader and more wholehearted way than I ever thought possible. I miss you too and I look forward to rebuilding a friendship and hopefully to building a friendship with your new love.

A Different Path

2010-09-05T20:30:00.002+01:00

Everything is a bit different to the last time I posted, we're no longer in a partnership and I've had very little communication with Marlowe or Lily over the summer. Not out of any hard feelings or for any particular reason but I've been away for the best part of 6 weeks and hardly spoken to anyone. I'm rubbish at staying in touch, I never know what to say.

I wanted to take this chance to reflect on our relationship though. At the time when everything started, it felt so natural and so flowing that the intimacy was amazing. I had so much that I wanted to explore and I'd found the most amazing couple in the most comfortable relationship to explore with. I couldn't have asked for better. Marlowe is a very dominant man with enough experience to make me feel fearful but safe at the same time and Lily is so wonderfully empathic that she really knew how to progress and how to comfort me through my first experiences.

I think the problem came outside of the intimate side of the relationship. I can honestly say that I loved both Marlowe and Lily but at the same time I had a keen awareness that they had a much closer tie to each other than either could ever have with me. They make wonderful life partners and I was always worried about coming between them or feeling more for one than the other or upsetting the balance in any way.

I was always worried about Lily.. I could see the appeal for Marlowe but Lily has never been with a woman and the dynamics of the relationship were such that I could still be seen as the "other woman" intruding on her husband. I'm not sure whether she ever felt like that or whether it's just my mind putting thoughts in other people's heads but it was always a concern at the back of my mind. A woman can forgive sex but never love.

As for what happened to mark the end of the relationship (sorry Marlowe, I used the R word) well, nothing really between the three of us but something bloomed between me and an old friend. It made me realise that whilst I was happy in the relative freedom of the three-way relationship, eventually I would want someone all to myself and I think Marlowe and Lily deserve that too. I'm lucky enough now to say that my partner is still my best friend but I'm discovering a new side of him.. a kinky side that I never imagined could have existed (and now I know more of what I like and have a good idea of my limits!) As for Lily and Marlowe, I hope that we'll continue to stay friends and that they'll continue to act as wonderful role models to show what a loving, trusting and long-lasting (yes, and kinky!) relationship looks like. I don't know what the future holds for any of us but I'm hoping it'll be long, happy, kinky and with amazing friends around to show us the way when we get lost. I've missed my friends this summer.

The art of balancing

2010-08-04T14:55:00.003+01:00

Whilst Lyra was still with us, I had jotted down several posts which I wanted some time to reflect on and which I wanted to post in an appropriate sequence. Having happened upon one of these earlier today, I decided that despite our relationship no longer occurring, the sentiments within this would be useful to me in the future and hopefully to other readers so please indulge me in this retrospective posting:

A few weeks in, I find myself struggling with a particular quandary. On one hand, both Marlowe and I wish to spend time with Lyra. As well as enjoying the sexual exploration, we are having a great deal of fun getting to know one another better and spending relaxation time together.

On the other hand, we have all of the normal day to day living things to do – house upkeep, gardening, shopping – all of the things we struggle to do during the week as we both work quite long hours.

This leads to a third problem. At the moment, there is a real risk that Marlowe and I only have time together when doing tedious chores; that all the “fun” is located in the time with Lyra. It reminds me a little of children spending time with their divorced parents – mum makes them do their homework whilst dad takes them to alton towers on a weekend. There is a real risk that Marlowe and I are “no fun anymore” on our own.....

In many ways, I enjoy the domestic times as they underline the strength of our relationship and our commitment to life together. However, Marlowe and I had a very active social and sexual life before we met Lyra which we now struggle to find time for. The main worry for me is that when Lyra moves on (she is such a wonderful loving person that we expect her to be loved by many and at some point fall in love for herself) which, while hopefully no time soon, will happen; will Marlowe and I have lost the ability to have fun?

After clubbing together this weekend, it has made me realise that we do need to prioritise some fun time together. However, I also want to spend lots of time with Lyra and introduce her to all of the wondrous things out there. Oh, and I do want my house to be liveable in. I suppose I really should carry on working as well.

Anyone have a time machine we can borrow?

a deviation about a deviation

2010-08-01T18:16:00.003+01:00

With all that has been happening for us over the past few weeks, I feel that my thoughts and feelings have been somewhat heavy. I have also, as marlowe commented, been experiencing much greater loss at the end of our relationship with Lyra than I expected.

I have however found the silver lining of polyamourous break - ups; consolation sex with someone who loves you and who knows your body intimately.

Needing to lose ourselves a bit, we took the advice of some fabulous friends and got into some role play.

I have always been a bit twitchy about role play as I have always been a bit squeamish about plotting and planning sex and play (probably back to my inherent britishness again). However, Marlowe and I sat down in a fit of over enthuasiasm and created a player character list of 10 scenarios, complete with costumes and names.

Obviously given that we have to do dull things like work, we have not quite made it through all of our scenarios - particularly as we have got stuck on a couple which have been great fun to explore.

Last week, I let C out of the box. A young girl who has decided to abandon her plan to marry well for the somewhat easier life of getting laid well and for money, C is setting up in business catering for a suitable sort of gentleman. Getting business up and running is a challenge, so she thought a website with decent photographs would help - enter from stage left J, a photographer who is reknowned for getting the best from his models. C has very little money, so an agreement with J that she would pay him in kind suited her just fine.

This seemed quite a simple scenario but it was much hotter and much dirtier than either of us envisaged. I am very jumpy about photographs normally as, being less than svelte, I tend to spend my whole time in front of a camera trying to suck in my tummy and hide multiple chins. However, in the guise of C, I revelled in the camera - posing for explicit and exposing photos with an enthusiasm that surprised me (and surprised Marlowe even more). We had an agenda of avoiding heavy spanking / BDSM as we were heading out to a spanking party the next night so that forced us to get in some ways more creative and interesting in our play.

Three hours later (how do you lose entire evenings to sex and play????) J and C left and Lily and Marlowe re-entered the world feeling lighter and more fun than they had in a while. We also felt reconnected with ourselves and our sex life, as well as feeling kinky in a broad sense of the term.

It also taught me something which has actually made me feel really enthusiastic about engaging in poly relationships in the future; this experience has made mine and Marlowe's relationship and attraction for one and another considerably stronger.

Oh, and before you ask the photos were all deleted rapidly. C might have kept them but Lily wasn't taking the chance that she might have had to look at them...

Time to pause and look around me

2010-07-29T11:57:00.000+01:00

Hello all,

Abel has made some fantastic contributions in his comments on the last three postings but they are ones I have really struggled to know how to respond to. In fact this sense of being unsure how to respond has held up several other communications as well (sorry Kami, I've been meaning to reply to your last email for ages).

You see, there's a real problem in knowing how to respond to a comment posted about a situation that is some distance in the past. We don't seem to have caught up with the current time stream much yet (if at all), so the last postings were written by both myself and Lily looking back to what was going on for us at the time. In both cases, we haven't entirely succeeded, as my developing sense of what I felt for Lyra and Lilys awareness of her mix of responses and where they came from developed over a period of time. That still means that the last posts were documenting a place quite a long way from where we are now.

It makes it extremely difficult to know quite how to comment on some of the points Abel raises without acknowledging how we have developed since. To do that means, I think, that we need to start posting things from where we are now as well as catching up on how the relationship with Lyra progressed. In our case that also leaves a rather large elephant in the room.

The elephant is that our relationship with Lyra is now over. This leaves an odd situation where there is still the bulk of a relationship that I'd like to document and reflect on. From where the narrative currently rests there are still four days and six nights that we spent together, plus ongoing social and email contact. I learned more and grew more and Lilys journey was even greater, really only reaching any sense of conclusion after the relationship had ended.

What I have written thus far has been interesting to me (I still worry it's probably dull to anyone else, but the feedbacks been good so hopefully it's of interest to others) and gives me some sense that it is worth continuing to blog long term. Blogging has really helped me think about and process what has occurred, but I need to look at more aspects of my experience. So, I think I need to add in some categories, and be able to post about what's happening now, how things went with Lyra, and other aspects of historical stuff that bear on to my kink and sexual identity.

I guess the question brimming on peoples lips is likely to be "what caused the relationship to end". I guess I'll explore that as that narrative moves forward, but the simplest response is that it didn't appear to particularly falter. It was overtaken for Lyra by something more important. An old friendship blossomed into something more.

This is something where Abels comments really struck a chord with me. He talks about wondering if his girlfriends will find a more complete relationship and what that will mean for their dynamic, but also expresses really well that sense that if you actually care for someone, then you want to support them in developing things which enrich their lives. This is very much my experience. Watching the relationship end was really painful, but was helped by thinking that she was probably doing exactly the right thing for her to grow. She goes with all our goodwill.

Since that ending, we have had little contact from Lyra. Again, this is painful but is sometimes what people need. I intend to leave her as an author to this blog and hope that she may want to share thoughts with us in the future.

Where does that leave Lily and I?

Interestingly, I think for Lily the space and ability to reflect back on a now finished relationship has helped her get a stronger sense of the positives and negatives, and the sense of loss really surprised her. Talking about it last weekend, seemed to have left her with a strong sense that she would like to explore this sort of relationship in the future, and what boundaries she would need to feel really happy with it.

Finding someone with real chemistry with both of us again may or may not happen, but it's something we are open to.

Me? I got my heart burned, as predicted. You know what? I wouldn't change it at all. It's brought me back to parts of myself I thought gone forever, opened up the amount I can feel and has left me with some wonderful memories. My only worry was about Lily, and she seems to have gained a lot from the experience overall.

So that's where we are. I'll put in some categories and mix posting about the past, and about now and look forward to new adventures in the future.

Incidentally, I think I mentioned when I started blogging that the first posting I wrote was just as the relationship with Lyra was starting, and was about a different subject entirely - what I get out of topping. I found it again the other day. Should I post it?

Love is indeed a four letter word

2010-07-19T16:06:00.002+01:00

I have written and rewritten this post. I’ve filed it and I’ve almost deleted it three times. Writing this feels exposed and a tad self indulgent, but I think necessary to my understanding and that of Marlowe and Lyra.

I came to this posting after a very difficult week of soul searching in which I found myself deeply unhappy with our relationship and in which I found myself trying to find excuses to end it. Reading Marlowe’s post has shocked me into thinking more about why; why is he so clearly in a different place to me?

I had to naval gaze in a way which I hope isn’t too tiresome to read, but I think the answer lies in my history and my learned defences.

I don’t wish to sound like I seek sympathy (anyone who knows me will know I am less than great with people who play the damaged childhood card) but I think it helps to understand me if you understand my upbringing. I was the youngest child in a materially generous but emotionally cold household where practicality and social acceptance were valued above all. This left me with very good core concepts of generosity, charity and an enormous streak of sense (which I loathe on occasions) but taught me very little about loving. I reached into my adult life desperate to be loved which is an approach bound to end in disaster.

My first relationship was significantly abusive and, although I think about it very little now thanks to the help and love of many good friends and lovers, it has left its scars. The worst damage was done by my inability to discuss this abuse with my family and by the harmful lesson I learned for a while; my parents were right, practicality is more important than love.

Nearly 10 years on, numerous attachments to unavailable men and a five year relationship with a wonderful but completely emotionally unavailable man, I reached a turning point. Most of this was triggered by meeting Marlowe whose vitality, energy and passion for life shone out. He gave me a glimpse of a different world from the one I’d known and one I wanted to access. I made possibly the hardest choice of my life; to abandon safety and security for a glimmer of a hope.

I have never regretted that choice as it has led me to more joy than I have ever known but it has remained a hard choice. Marlowe had been hurt before but he had an openness of spirit and a passion for life that I had never encountered before. To grow with him required constantly throwing myself into new experiences, to challenge myself and my prejudices and, most of all to hold a mirror up to myself. I was not surprised to find that I did not always like myself, the surprise was that it was not for the reasons I initially thought. Many of the self deprecating thoughts I had experienced over the years I was able to let go of in the face of being adored by someone who I considered outside of my league. However, I was able to see that my life had left me more selfish and self absorbed than I had realised and that was not a comfortable place to be. Changing this and letting go of the more petty aspects of my existence is a constant battle.

I am sorry if this reads as self indulgent, but this is important to the place I find myself in now. When I am challenged by something new, I revert back to type. Unfortunately for me, this is a self focused and closed off place. Ironically, I actually behave in a more giving way – I rush to do things for others and put myself out to meet their needs but if I am honest, it is entirely self serving. I hide behind a mask of generosity and start using all those weapons my mother taught me to wield so well – guilt, martyrdom and appropriately large bouts of public self deprecation (one of the most effective ways of getting support whilst still looking humble). I think this is pretty much a text book example of being passive aggressive.

Entering into this relationship has been one of the largest challenges I have faced since discovering my kinky side and, true to form, I have reverted to type. I can feel myself closing inwards and shutting off emotionally; giving physical love and affection but withholding that which has the most value – love.

I can hear Lyra and Marlowe yelling at me now for being hard on myself but if I am to let myself enjoy this experience, I have to face this and let go. I am afraid, I am in new territory, and my entire view of self is challenged; perhaps not to the extent that Lyra is experiencing, but enough to shake my core. There is a real danger at this point that I will revert back to the only way I know and politely and generously fade into falsity. I don’t want to. Once before in my life I took a risk and it paid off. This is nowhere near as dramatic, as I face this situation with love behind me and a stronger sense of self than I have ever had, but it is a risk. I want to love like Marlowe and I want to erase the belief that I developed long ago; that I cannot love as I am broken. With time, I have realised that this is untrue. I may be mildly sprained, but I’m not broken.

So, that leaves me with alternatives. To leave Marlowe and Lyra to establish the love within our relationship and drift quietly away, to force an ending by being so clearly unhappy that Marlowe makes the decision for me (thus leaving me feeling less guilty) or to actually face my fears and approach.

I love the saying “if you do what you always did, you will get what you always got”. Maybe it’s time to do something different and hopefully get something different.

The R word

2010-07-19T12:39:00.002+01:00

The R word

I have discovered something new about myself this week. In discussing with lilly G the situation we currently find ourselves in, I found myself skirting round and round using the word relationship. She kindly bailed me out of the situation by referring to our arrangement (see I’m still doing it) as a “set-up”.

That got me thinking – what is it about the word that bothers me so much?

I think much of this is about what labels mean to me and what they may infer to others. Relationship for me has never been a word I use loosely and has only ever been utilised when I am in a relationship with someone which I see as potentially a life partner. Therefore I guess there is probably a small part of me which worries about the commitment inferred when this word is used. If I’m honest though it is more about what this word means to others.

If I use the word relationship, rather than play partner or lover or close friend, then it gets very hard for me to say that I am not polyamorous and that is a word I simply loathe. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against polyamoury (some of my best friends are polyamorous….) but the term has bad associations for me.

I have witnessed numerous relationships which have been labelled as polyamoury but which have actually been hugely destructive to the individuals involved, either because not all partners involved want the multiple relationships or because the power balances within have been deeply unequal. For example, I have friends who state that they are polyamorous but what that means in practice is that the wife has numerous sexual encounters with others but the husband does not – he worries that he cannot meet her needs and therefore would rather she had multiple relationships than leave him.

I also have a close set of friends who are truly polyamourous – the three friends live together in such a way that you could not imagine any two of them being able to have a relationship with out the third to complete them. It has taught me that polyamorous relationships can be deeply loving and caring. I’m also aware of many individual situations which fit anywhere in between those two extreme scenarios; some of which appear to be deeply fulfilling for those involved and some of which appear to be deeply destructive.

So I can’t even claim the term only has bad associations. Again, I ask why does it bother me?

I think the answer is simple. I am not polyamorous by nature – it is not who I am, it is what I am currently doing. I don’t fundamentally feel a need for multiple relationships in the way that my bisexual friend describes (she finds herself complete when she has both a boyfriend and a girlfriend). I find myself in a situation where this is right for me, Lyra and Marlowe but this does not alter who I am. I get a great deal from this relationship (time to get over the fear of the word…) but that is not to say I will ever again engage in a polyamorous relationship. It is this situation, it is Lyra, that makes this work; not the presence of additional relationships.

I guess I would akin this to the idea that although I am currently sleeping with Lyra, I would not define myself as bisexual. I can admire the beauty of women but have never previously found a woman sexually attractive. It is Lyra I find attractive, not women per se. It is also the combination of Lyra and Marlowe together that I adore; Lyra and I are developing an increasingly close relationship but I am certain this would have a completely different flavour if Marlowe were not present.

I guess I am just rebelling against labels. I am Lily. We are Lyra, Marlowe and Lily and that is enough of a label for me.

Love is a four letter word

2010-07-18T08:58:00.000+01:00

This is my fourth attempt to write this post. My first attempt was two weeks ago, and so written before the last three posts of mine (and it's what held them up).

I may end up binning this attempt as well, but I'm going to try really hard not to. You see, this is an area so laden with linguistic limits and cultural baggage that actually expressing what I want to convey is almost impossible. There are also other things that make this difficult, but I believe I will come back to those later, so I think I'll just have to accept that this will be flawed, make it as good as I can and post it with the hope it is read sympathetically.

This is also the most exposing, most vulnerable post I have written. My last post, writing freely and candidly about sex was in part me working up to this greater exposition. Is it worth that vulnerability? Writing the other posts here have definately added to my understanding, appreciation and learning so I really need to do this. OK. Deep breath...

I want to write about the most subversive topic I know about. I want to write about love. I want to write about loving Lily, finding that I was in love with Lyra and the difficulty that the word "love" means different things. I hope to be coherent but am not confident that I will be. So, with your indulgence...

There I sat, tired and busy but happy on a Friday luchtime, reading a lovely thank you note from Lyra. I felt happy, peaceful and contented - and something deeper. I probed for what I was feeling, slightly absent mindedly. Then stopped with a shock. The only label that fitted that emotion was love! Oh my, this is a real worry. Think about what that term normally means. Does it mean trouble for what I feel for Lily? Theres plenty of cultural assumptions that if you start loving someone that means love reducing for anyone else. Should I say anything or am I going to scare Lily and freak out Lyra? Damn, what does this mean?

OK, it was time to shelve this and think it through a little more rationally. So I did. I got through the day and I got through a busy weekend of family stuff and let it process a bit. I pretty much had to go back to first principles and work forward from there.

So, why was love the right word? Well there are a lot of different grades of attachment and I prize friendship highly (you get a hell of a lot more acquaintances than friends in my experience) but friendship isn't the right word. It covers the warmth, the affection, the wish to help and support, the concern with how they are doing and so forth. But actually, no it doesn't quite. There's something about the quality of affection that changes with someone for whom there is that powerful erotic charge and who you have shared passions with. An intimacy that has a different quality to it (This also makes sense of the number of lovers who, when our time together passed, have become firm and close friends. There is some pain involved in letting go of the desire and letting the relationship change, but you then have a rich warm friendship that would be a criminal waste to throw away).

Only, wait a second, that's rubbish isn't it. Families share love and that's not about that sort of connection. Hmm, so the word applies to several different things. That's not helpful. I've always been swayed by the argument that language shapes thought as well as vice versa. If you do not have a way of articulating a concept, it is harder to understand and experience. Our labelling from language and cultural norms is powerful and clearly not helping me to understand myself. So, what are the components? A real sense of warmth, affection, really powerful sexual desire and a desire to nurture. Oh, the nurture bit is interesting. It ties into affection and desire, so there's a wish to get to know better, a wish to help grow and also a wish to let her explore her sexuality and kink without any crises or negative experiences. Hmm, that's not even expressed well here, no way I could convey it clearly in conversation.

Then there's Lily. Does this mean I love her any less?

No, it doesn't. Feeling for my emotions for her shows me again just how strong and encompassing they are.

Hmm, re-learn old lesson. There is a cultural message that love is a limited resource, that if you begin to love another it is taken from the love you held for someone else. This seems deeply embedded in our culture. You can see it in the "saving all my love for you" love songs, you can see it in the medias inability to understand polyamory whilst blindly supporting serial monogamy in celebrities.

This is the wrong maths. The more you allow yourself to love, the more you are able to love. This has been true in my experience whether you are talking about how much you love one person, or multiple people.

In this situation, I found myself loving Lily more. How could I do otherwise? We had shared some fantastic experiences that increased our connection and our bond.

Part of the reason I think this felt odd for me is that being open hearted, being able to show real warmth in friendships and relationships, is something that is quite natural for me, but something that I closed off in a welter of bad experience and betrayal a decade ago. This need to shut down emotionally let me survive but poisoned one relationship with real potential and saw me settle into one that was cosy but companionable rather than passionate. A life lived without passion is not living, not for me, no matter how safe and comfortable life becomes.

Lily had taught me that I could love again, but opening this further was actually a little scary, a little painful. Without any conscious plan, Lyra had shown me I could love more than one person. This re-discovery is a very precious gift and one that I will always thank her for.

How she would feel about this remained a concern. Lyra comes across as such a free spirit that I would have hated to convey how I felt for her and make this sound posessive or constraining. But then nor did I want to hide away as some dirty little secret, I wanted to celebrate it but there was still that problem of language.

In the end I did manage to say something about it, the next time we slept together, and much of the feeling was matched by Lyra. We talked about it and hit that language limitation, but did talk about different languages having different terms for love. The next day she discussed the words and definitions of the Greek words for love with a friend with a decent background in classics. and wrote:

As for language, I think the greeks may well be our best bet.. if we take the four words agápe, éros, philía, and storgē in their original meanings then somewhere between éros and philía is probably the right word.

And I proposed Philieros. There, we had our word.

The only problem with this is that it may come without the usual cultural baggage, but it is equally devoid of the emotional weight of the term "Love". Still, its a start.

I appear to be made to love more than one. Interestingly this has also deepened my emotional attachment to close friends. It's left me more engaged in the world, more invested in people. It's a little scary as I'm just guaranteed to get burned a few times, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Thank you Lyra, my Philieros.

An unexpected night of passion

2010-07-15T15:57:00.000+01:00

The Thursday evening was not set up as a night for exploration of us. I'm not sure any of us were yet really sure that there was an "us". I really wasn't clear if we'd even end up sharing a bed, but it was a very pleasant social evening, another one where there was that odd frisson of shared secret. I remember one moment particularly, the girls had both bought ice creams during the interval and were laughing and joking. I was chatting to some of the guys when one looked over at the two of them, both licking at an ice cream, and made a comment about how suggestive that was (I've been racking my brains but I can't remember the wording of the comment). As I could easily remember both of them with lips working on me from only a few days previously, it was difficult to comment, but it gave me one hell of a grin, which I had to explain to Lily when she noticed.

The drive home was pleasant and sociable, and when we got home it seemed entirely natural to all get into the same bed. I wasn't sure if we'd just sleep, but some kissing and cuddling soon led to more!

I remember us starting by ganging up on Lily, who discovered that having both nipples sucked whilst being penetrated really did things for her. As the tempo increased, Lyra and I seemed to naturally divide our roles with her taking the top half, kissing passionately and playing with Lilys breasts, and myself putting increasing power into my movements, with one free hand staying in contact with Lyra. That three way contact seemed important and, while it was sometimes an intimate caress, keeping at least a degree of contact felt like maintaining a circle of energy.

The addition of a thumb to Lilys clitoris soon brought her to a major, convulsing, panting orgasm (both Lily and Lyra come with power and utter abandon, which is beautiful). I loved watching her face as she came and the aftershocks as she kissed Lyra and then me.

As they hugged I turned more attention to Lyra, first with my tongue, then asking if I could move inside her. That first night we had had an incredible, fulfilling sexual encounter, but had not had penetrative sex - for one point I had little idea if there was a condom around!

I had since checked, and could find one easily this time, though it was important to check that this was OK and not some sort of boundary for her. Moving inside her was surprisingly good. It felt amazing physically, but more than that, she had barely moved from where she had been when I was in Lily and with a hand now keeping contact with Lily that sense of connection between the three of us was powerful. I have never held that high a specific regard for penetrative intercourse, seeing it as little different to any other form of stimulation to orgasm, so I'm not sure if it was that or coming to make love for the second time, but I could feel my sense of connection to and affection for Lyra anchoring more strongly.

It was then, with building passion, that a slight off note to the evening developed. I reached over to stroke Lilys head where she lay beneath Lyra, missjudged it and accidentally poked her in the eye. Mildly annoying you may think, only the digit in question still had a sheen of lube on it and this was really uncomfortable, so Lily extricated herself from under Lyras kneeling form and rushed to the bathroom to wash her eye, saying "don't worry about me, back in a second"

The three way connection was broken, though not the passion, so Lyra and I made love for a while, but there was an awkwardness - a gap. As Lily came back. We stopped, seperated and welcomed her back into the bed, but it was clear that she had felt a bit ... I dont know, excluded? Maybe she can express this better.

We did the obvious thing. We stopped, and gently paid attention to Lily. Not sexually, but caringly. Stroked her and cuddled her and made her our centre until that reserve broke (with a few tears) and we were back to a shared dynamic. Surprisingly, this shifted back into sexual tension and lovemaking very easily. I remember more lovemaking, though less clearly. I remember both Lyra and Lily coming several times before they then said that it was my turn to be ganged up on!

Oh how difficult to be the centre of attention for two women! It's a dirty job etc....

Actually I do find this slightly difficult. I had two beautiful women that I was so deeply, fulfillingly enjoying making love to. Being male means that coming kind of stops play, at least for an hour, so moving past that early urge to come and settling into that plateau of pleasure where you can go on for hours is something I do quite habitually (this makes me lousy at "quickies").

So, I was really enjoying myself, really fired up on their pleasure and the joy one gets in giving that pleasure. That joy where you just want your partner (partners in this case) to have the best sex they've ever had. It's nice to have a simple target!

Anyway, I was in absolute bliss giving all my attention to two wonderful women. I do remember once in the past venturing the opinion that "threesomes are overrated", having had a fair few threesomes, foursomes and moresomes back in my twenties, before settling into doing wider scenes in kink but not in sex for many years. Either I'd changed or I was just sleeping with the wrong people back then. Now, I seem to be having just the best time I can imagine and watching the joy in two people you have chemistry with - well it's beyond my capacity to express. I think I may be at my best with two women, and it avoids that problem of them being burned out and ready to sleep when you're still feeling playful.

So, I slightly reluctantly, but with great pleasure, allow myself to be laid down in the middle of the bed and I'm soon kissing both of them passionately, then they seem to alternate who is kissing me and who is sucking ... hmm, I think you can see the picture (digression: why does so much of our language about sex sound debased and seedy rather than life affirming and beautiful? It's great for humiliation scenes but makes it hard to write up a memory of passion and make it sound as uplifting as it felt).

Interestingly, I also remember a conscious choice. I could have let myself come in seconds, I could have let sensation build and come in minutes but I actually chose to hold on to self control as rigidly as I could and stop myself coming.

Why? I knew it was a fight I couldn't win (this is rare, I'm normally extremely self controlled) and had a hankering to feel the edges of my control peel away until I came in full, uncontrolled animal state. If you are sexually dominant then even in the heaviest scenes and most extreme headspaces there is a small core of control, as unyielding as cast iron that always stays there and keeps your sense of proportion, your knowledge that this is a scene with limits, that keeps you and your partners safe.

To bring that core in and deliberately let it be stripped apart, defeated layer by layer until, like a man hanging onto a roof by his fingertips, you feel your last strength fail and you lose all control and plunge, in this case, into extasy. Well, words fail me.

I have no idea how long this took, but by the time we finished I was both drained and energised, at peace and feeling enormous warmth. We finally slept.

The morning came too soon, but with that curious mix of energy and tiredness. I spent the morning teaching and at lunchtime picked up an email:

Hey Marlowe,

Thank you for another wonderful night and a beautiful morning, I hope you're not too tired at work today! I really mean it when I say that you and Lily are both amazing people, you're wonderful to spend time with.

Love and hugs,
Lyra xx

I felt happiness, contentment and, hmm what was that other feeling? Oh that one was a surprise, and maybe dangerous. I think I know what my next post needs to be about!

A Flurry of correspondence

2010-07-15T15:54:00.000+01:00

That evening and over the next few days was such a flurry of correspondence that I may have to edit some of it down, but I am going to keep it as close as possible to what was originally sent.

Reading these mails again, two months on from when they were originally sent has been a wonderful experience. It has helped bring back the memories and the emotions of those days really sharply.

So, back to the mail. That Saturday evening I felt the need to make contact again, let her know how much we had enjoyed the experience, and allow for her to process the experience and reflect on how she felt.

You see, it's difficult to strike a ballance but we do not casually scene with others, there generally needs to be trust and chemistry. I didn't want Lyra to feel swamped by the experience, but given that she knew we were a part of the fetish scene I'd have hated the thought that she came away feeling like a piece of meat, our latest conquest.

I wrote:

Hi Lyra

Just wanted to share that we are still on a bit of a high and feel that we shared a wonderful experience last night. Hope you are still feeling good.

Difficult to know how to convey this properly but lots of hugs and warm gooey feelings to you from us.

I'm hoping you don't wake up with any regrets, and will come over and join us again soon.

Love M&L

xxx

She soon replied:

Hi Marlowe,

I'm still on a complete high, I feel so relaxed and so.. alive is the only way I can think to describe it. I had such a wonderful night followed by a really lovely day and everything feels quite serenely surreal now.

I'm really glad you and Lily enjoyed yourselves, you are both amazing and beautiful people and I would love to spend more time with you.

Thank you again,
Love Lyra x

the following morning saw a short follow up

Hey Marlowe,

Something clearly worked yesterday because I managed 9 hours of unbroken sleep at a reasonable time last night :) I still feel so relaxed and at peace with the world, it's an amazing feeling. Thank you :)

This was lovely to hear. That the evening had been enjoyed was good to know, but more than that the sense of peace, of contentment, rather than any regrets reinforced that this had been not only enjoyable but also good for us. I replied:

I'm really pleased to hear that Lyra. I'm still feeling fantastic - it's a bit difficult to know how to put it into words but I think I came closest yesterday when I said to Lily that I just felt entirely me, with none of the usual distractions, worries, self consciousness or any of the baggage that most of us spend too much of life carrying around.

Lilys only complaint this morning was that the memories and feelings are so lovely and untainted that it feels a bit unreal!

Actually there are a few other thoughts that I wanted to share but I've got a few practical things that I must get done so if it's OK, I'll write more fully this afternoon.

I'll include some thoughts on when we're free to get together again.

Marlowe
xxx

Sure enough that evening I continued, with an email titled "what next"

Hi Lyra,

So, as the title says, what next?

Friday and Saturday were fantastic and it would be great to meet up
again soon. We are a bit stuffed by family commitents which annoyingly
slow it down, but there's also the question of what to meet up for.

We had a fantastic evening and could take that in all sorts of
directions, though frankly I'm pretty sure now that that needs very
little planning - I think if we find the time to meet up then there
will be very little difficulty finding things to explore (though I do
find myself occasionally drifting off into thoughts of what might be
interesting. Hmm, a dirty mind would be a terrible thing to waste!).

The other side of "what next" really struck me on the Saturday. It
really sounded that you missed getting out somewhere wild and
deserted, and I was left really wanting time to just go and spend time
together. Just wanted to check how you felt about that.

You see, we are back to the confusions of modern etiquette. One can be
slightly unsure how to propose another night of passionate intensity
as one wishes to arrange such a night but is cautious not to make it
sound like one is assuming agreement in a way that would fail to show
how precious this would be, but on the other hand is it presumptuous
to ask if you'd also like to cone over for enough time to share some
other aspects of life like going out to the wild, or even just being
around long enough to really share the afterglow?

Ho hum. Maybe I need to drop my politeness a bit!

Anyway, that stuff affects our options in forward planning. We could
meet up on a midweek evening, but my instinct would be to meet when we
have enough time to really enjoy our time together (I'm still stunned
that four hours disappeared between us going upstairs after we'd finished playing with rope, and coming down for a toastie).

If that shifts us to weekends, I don't know what your commitments look
like but ours are:

Here I'm editing out a long list of days available and different times we could get together over what was then the next month. The email then concludes:

As I said before, I have no idea of your commitments but we would love
to meet up earlier rather than later if you are willing.

Obviously, if you'd rather just meet up for an evening at a weekend
then let's book a weekend evening, but if you would be happy to spend
a little more time with us, we'd love to see more of you.

I had some other thoughts brought on from Friday/Saturday but I don't
think I have the time and energy to articulate them clearly tonight,
so if you don't mind, I'll send you some further thoughts during the
week.

It was lovely reading your mail this morning. My sense of peace, and
of being really centred, has lasted the weekend.

We both think that you are a beautiful, wonderful woman.

Marlowe
xxx

I needn't have worried about the awkwardness. An email returned:

Marlowe, you really are so polite it's incredibly cute!

I really enjoyed every minute of time I spent with you and Lily and I really think that if we can just find time, we don't need to plan any more than that, everything seemed to lead on so naturally. On the other hand, if you had something in mind that you specifically wanted to try then it could be fun to organise something.

I'm completely happy to go on intuitions with this. Whilst I loved playing with you and Lily I think it's also important to note that I really love you both as friends too. You are both such amazing, interesting people with seemingly a lot of interests in common so spending a weekend enjoying each other and just spending time together is equally appealing.

It's quite late and, remarkably, I'm quite tired so I think I'll continue this in the morning. I'm not sure how many times I've already thanked you but I shall do so again because I can't ever remember feeling like this and it's truly wonderful. Thank you.

Sweet dreams,
Lyra xxx

And she did indeed continue the following morning:

Good morning Marlowe,

How're you feeling today? I don't know about you but I still feel very centred and very relaxed after the weekend, I imagine that sleeping for three nights in a row is going some way to helping that too :)

My initial thoughts on when to meet up next are as soon as it's convenient for all of us, whilst there's no rush, I really enjoyed our time together and I'm quite keen to spend more time with you as soon as we can. Whether that's for something as simple as a coffee and a chat or for a night of frivolous fun seems almost irrelevant, I'd love to do both.

Weekends are generally good for me, I don't yet have a timetable for when I'm having xxxxx but as it stands, everything is very flexible so if we find a weekend that suits you, I can organise things around your diary.

I have to say, I'm intrigued as to your other thoughts brought on by Friday/ Saturday and look forward to hearing them :)

Lyra x

Well replying to that's just a pleasure isn't it, also time to start thinking about where play might go.

Good afternoon Lyra,

I'm still doing pretty well. The pressure and clamour of work obviously makes something of a dent, but underneath that I'm pretty funky.

Lily, on the other hand, is feeling really rough. We think she picked up mild food poisoning when we went out for a meal on Saturday night, but got really rough during the day yesterday. She's just about functioning this morning, and has a few days that she absolutely has to make it to work.

It's really annoying as it's obviously really ruined the wonderful vibe she was carrying on Saturday. When she's well, we'll just have to put the smile back on her face :)

Interesting that you are sleeping well. You obviously need a regular prescription of passion, kink and affection!

Meeting up for a coffee or generally socially is a good point. Obviously we'll see each other at role playing, but that's a teeny bit inhibiting. Let's see when Lily is back to functioning and check diaries.

As far as a weekend together goes, shall we go for the weekend of the 5th? Maybe pick you up mid morning and head off somewhere for the day, them back to ours for Saturday evening and Sunday?

As for your comment "I'm intrigued as to your other thoughts brought on by Friday/ Saturday and look forward to hearing them :)", well, as I said, a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Some people go entirely on impulse, some go for planning things down to the last detail. I generally go for letting ideas float around my mind and playing without a script but with lots of potential ideas.

Interestingly, when we hit the bed last Friday, no plans or thoughts seemed necessary. My memory is a collage of images (and by god, that's some collage!) and everything seemed to just flow without thought.

I was about to go into an analogy for a second there, but I'm not sure if you've read anything by Erica Jong. There's a reccuring idea in the sequel to "fear of flying" (can't remember the book title off hand) that I was really struck by, but unless you've read it, it wouldn't make much sense.

Anyway, that part of the evening was a perfect example of when you just need to follow instinct. That said, lots of kink works better with ideas, and pausing to come up with them can risk loosing mood or headspace.

What ideas? Hmm, many and in many directions. Let me see...

It might be interesting to play with your top side and have the two of us gang up on Lily...

I can think of lots of ways of doing that in interesting ways, from playfully to more harshly sensual, from communicating as us through to ideas that could be role played...

Hmm that's about as far as I can go on that one without being rather more explicitly pervy.

Or

We could do exactly the opposite and see how Lily enjoyed helping focus on rendering you helplessly lost in desire and sensation

Or

Both, or lots of other things. What fires your imagination?

Bondage and sensuality leading to you bound helplessly, blindfolded and teased until completely aroused then gently and lovingly stroked, licked and made love to again and again?

A slow and thorough spanking of the two of you?

Perhaps some roleplay? Are there any situations that fire your fantasies? There are just unending possibilities here. I guess if it's an area of interest then just letting your imagination go will provide a good few options, but if you want some ideas, just ask and I'll give you a dozen scenarios off of the top of my head (the one with the ward, the Governess and the master was quite a hot daydream - Governess frames her young ward, the master of the house takes her to task and punishes her with a long and thorough spanking, then the governesses duplicity is revealed requiring a harsher punishment for her and the administration of pleasure to the ward. Is this too naughty?).

Incidentally, I've had to heavily avoid self censoring here, so let me know if you are comfortable or uncomfortable with me talking about sexual ideas. Internally, I'm pretty comfortable with this sort of speculation - after all I know that I hold you and Lily in the highest regard and contemplating sex doesn't make me denigrate or objectify the people I think of (which is sadly not that uncommon in men). On the other hand, i worry that talking about potential kink ideas could come across as coarse or sound like I'm planning some sort of script that you need to pre agree (an odd one that - discussions that let you figure out potential turn ons can be really useful, but agreeing a rigid menu of play can lose that mystique and be a turn off). I also worry that talking about what we could all do together might not convey the deep affection and regard in which you are held.

You are beautiful and very precious and I'm happy to be guided by you. I just get a sense that, having limited opportunity to play in the past, you might find some sharing of ideas useful. That may be OK over email or may work better face to face.

Marlowe
xxx

P.s. I'm still smiling.

And I very much was still smiling. Slight nerves about having brought thoughts of sex into it more explicitly, so I was glad when I had a reply:

Oh no, I'm sorry to hear about Lily but if there's any way I can help to put a smile back on her face ;)

" Hmm, as I said, a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste."

Yes, yes it is but it's very hard to reply to your emails without my mind wandering somewhat :P

The weekend of the 5th sounds good to me, I really like the idea of spending more time just enjoying the afterglow and the idea of just getting away from everything for a day and enjoying the beauty of the world that so many people miss.

I haven't read anything by Erica Jong but I'm onto my last borrowed book now so I'm looking for new authors to pick up or even some old ones that I need to rediscover (Dickens comes to mind, I haven't picked up one of his since I finished Great Expectations at about 14)

"Bondage and sensuality leading to you bound helplessly, blindfolded and teased until completely aroused then gently and lovingly stroked, licked and made love to again and again?" Did I mention my inability to concentrate on an email whilst having such thoughts? :)

It sounds like you have a lot of ideas that really interest me, having a very switch personality means that I'm happy to explore my top side or to allow Lily to explore hers if she'd like to. As for role playing, again, it's something I've never tried in a sexual environment but something I'm happy to explore with a vague idea in mind rather than a script. The governess scenario sounds like fun (not too naughty at all) although I imagine there's a plethora of scenarios that we could explore (you can tell I'm a LARPer by the fact I'm thinking of costumes already!) What other ones would you like to try?

As for your last paragraph about how comfortable I feel talking about this via email, I do feel very comfortable and completely at ease with you (else Friday night couldn't have happened so smoothly) but I have a habit of over intellectualising things in writing which can come across as quite cold. That isn't at all how I intend it, I can't physically be intimate with someone that I don't have a connection with, so please don't ever feel that I can objectify you or Lily, but in writing, that's sometimes how it can come across. And that goes both ways I think. Whilst talking about ideas of this nature it's sometimes hard to convey the depth of care that goes alongside it all but so long as we both know that it's there, I'm ok with that if you are. Our relationship has a very clear nurturing, caring base and that's just as important as our mutual enjoyment.

I appear to have written you an essay so I shall stop there (partly because Glee is on soon and I have my other sordid secret to sate) I hope Lily is feeling better and that I'll see you tomorrow,

Lyra x

As you can imagine, there has been a lot of correspondence since then, but I'll just add the next two mails we sent and leave this post at that.

My reply read:

LOL, our emails do seem to be growing in length.

Lily is recovering. Still a little under the weather but improving so we're expecting to be there tomorrow night, and will look forwards to a hug. Putting a smile back may possibly have to wait for more privacy!

Glad you can make the weekend of the 5th. Let's have a fantastic two days. I have a few ideas - does getting away somewhere remote, then afternoon tea in a huge second hand bookshop in an old Victorian train station sound about right?

Incidentally, was I possibly a little distracting with some of those thoughts about what we could do in the evening? Terribly sorry ::puts on innocent face::

I'm glad you picked up from my last email and wrote so clearly about sharing ideas. I absolutely agree about it risking sounding cold. If we can take it as read that we both mean ideas with warmth and affection then we can share ideas pretty freely, which would be cool. I was still getting this irrational fear of saying something that would offend!

Hmm, loads more I could say, but I'm actually relaxed and happy, so I'll leave it there for the moment.

Hope you have another restful night

Marlowe
xxx

And Lyras reply was:

"does getting away somewhere remote, then afternoon tea in a huge second hand bookshop in an old Victorian train station sound about right?" :D That sounds amazingly perfect!

And yes, those ideas for the evening were quite distracting.. Hmm.. Nom :)

And on that note I think I'll have some very sweet dreams tonight!
Night Marlowe xxx

I have really enjoyed going back through these, but it would be really useful to know if that's been too long winded. I think this will be the middle of three posts when I put it up as I started by writing about the next night we spent together and then remembered just how much experience we went through on the way there.

So, on to part three. Not the weekend we had arranged, but an unexpected night that presented itself unplanned.

When shall we three meet again...?

2010-07-15T15:39:00.000+01:00

...Well, actually it was the following Tuesday, but it was a slightly odd experience. Hmm, maybe I need to start back on that Saturday morning-after-the-night-before.

So, our first night was unexpected, exciting and went fantastically. Come the next morning we went out and got breakfast together. I remember feeling relaxed, content and a bit giggly. Late morning we got back to ours and, following on from a conversation the previous day, I soon headed out to take Lyra back home on one of my motorbikes. Lyra had enjoyed riding on the back of bikes before but hadn't had a chance to do so for ages, so we were going to take our time, take a scenic route and eventually drop her off.

The ride was gorgeous. I was in a perfect mood to feel that sense of being at one with the machine and the wild we moved through. We went via the Pennines, rolling hills with moorland and forest, tiny lanes and dry stone walls, the air on our faces and the scent in our nostrils.

I pulled up on a hillside, looking down over a large reservoir for a while and we headed down to the lakeside and paused for a stroll. It was interesting, I felt very comfortable with Lyra then, but found her very difficult to read - I always had found her difficult to read and still do, though I've improved a bit. Talking and walking I really was struck by how wonderful the experience had been and how I wanted to know her better.

Dropping her home felt a bit sad. It had been so magical a time that ending it felt like a loss.

Abel has commented how much he enjoyed the pieces taken from email in an earlier posting, so I think it might work if I drop back into mildly annonymised transcriptions of those to add to my memories. Rather than just pasting them in here (as it was quite a flurry of mails over the next few days) I think I will put them in a seperate posting after this one.

So, when did we three meet again? As I said earlier it was just a couple of days later, on the Tuesday. It was odd because it was in normal social circumstances, and while I don't think any of us were ashamed at what had happened between us, nor did we feel a need to broadcast it. That put us in a social situation (a social interactional type of live role playing game, if you are interested) with a lot of shared friends and acquaintances. We must have a shared pool of acquaintance of at least thirty people, probably significantly more and on that Tuesday there were at least twenty of them around. This made for a really interesting dynamic. Chaste hugs and slightly veiled comments with a delicious sense of shared secrets.

It also led to our next meeting, one that we hadn't particularly heralded. We had talked about meeting up for a proper weekend together and set some plans for that (more on that when I write about that weekend), but on that Tuesday we were reminded that a friend of ours was starring in a fairly substantial piece of popular theatre, which was playing until the end of the week.

A number of us wanted to go along, including myself, Lily and Lyra. We offered lifts and crash space and, largely by chance, Lily was the only one who could conveniently take us up on the offer.

I think I will finish this posting here and put together the correspondence around this time, then I'll write up what happened when we met up on the Thursday.

The first night: Lily's memories

2010-07-10T10:14:00.004+01:00

I struggle to hold as clear a memory of that first night as Marlowe. For me, only impressions and sensations remain.

I remember the awkward tension that pervaded much of the first part of the evening which was interesting to me; we had previously talked other newbies through kink, had showed others the dungeon and introduced others to rope play but I had never experienced that level of awkwardness or tension. At the time it was unclear it this was a reflection of Lyra's nervousness or whether this was different. Given the outcome, I guess it is best explained by the presence of a sexual tension that we had never experience before and therefore were oblivious to.

I remember the shift that occurred as we moved from kink to intimacy. In the realm of kink, I found myself relatively confident, comfortable and self assured. In contrast Lyra appeared tentative; curious and engaged, but tentative. As we moved towards intimacy, I felt myself grow initially very tentative. I had never kissed a woman (in more than jest) before and the difference in sensation removed any sense of confidence. I had no idea of how one approached intimacy with a woman and I found myself transported back to my teenage years once more.

I remember that this fell away as we became increasingly comfortable with each other and that nervousness moved to curiousity which moved to confidence. I remember that this went on to move to no thought at all and an overwhelming sense of rightness which is hard to explain.

Like Marlowe, I awoke calm and peaceful. Like Marlowe, this is almost an alien state of being for me.

I have at times struggled to hang on to this calm as thoughts and beliefs have intruded but these seem to originate in societal views, concerns about others, etc. rather than from my feelings. My instinctive reaction to that first night was how right and how loving this experience was. I hope this was the same for Lyra.

The first night

2010-07-05T12:34:00.000+01:00

So, we've introduced ourselves, we've talked about how we got talking about sexuality and how we arranged to meet up to explore things. I guess that leaves us ready to talk about what happened when we met up for that fateful first evening together.

It's slightly odd that I feel nervous writing this. I find myself shying away from it, wanting to vacilate or find another focus for this post. Since writing that last sentence I have just gone to turn the radio off, and found myself listening to it instead for ten minutes. What is making me so avoidant?

I think it is because this memory sits as one of those warm, soul-sustaining, life affirming experiences that has already absorbed into my sense of self and I am cautious of examining it too closely. Perhaps this gem will have a flaw if I look too close. On the other hand, it felt half unreal by the following day. If I am to remember and reflect then this is a risk that will have to be run. "The unexamined life" and all that...

And so I sort some memories and find a gloriously average beginning in the prosaic process of finishing a Fridays work, picking Lyra up and the three of us settling in the kitchen at ours for some slightly stilted conversation whilst I cook a meal that we all pick at.

There is a certain something in the air. Nerves? Excitement? Perhaps just a mixture of slight awkwardness and a sense of possibility. I don't actually remember talking about kink or sexuality in any more than the most general of ways. I think it is Lily that breaks the tension by suggesting we go and introduce Lyra to our dungeon.

Our dungeon? Oh, well, yes - OK I understand not everyone has one of those. Actually, dungeon might not be the best term for it. Play room might be better but dungeon seems to have stuck. Anyway, We have a room with a few interesting pieces of furniture and enough shelving and hanging space for most of our toys.

"Toys"? Damn, I hadn't realised I was still going to need to define terms so much. OK, in this context "toys" is a pretty wide range of things. I guess I could subdivide into impact toys (canes, straps, paddles, floggers etc.) bondage toys (rope, cuffs and clips, various other bits) electroplay (TENS machine types and a violet wand) and general toys (vibrators etc.). In a couple of decades of kink you pick up quite a lot of interesting stuff and it's nice to have a room to put it in - and a lock on the door for when relatives or vanilla friends are visiting.

Anyway, to come back from the digression we just kind of went in and talked about some of the stuff, and I think by extension talked a little bit about how diverse kink play could be. I'd love to hear what Lyra remembers of her reaction to this as it must have made everything rather more real! She had previously mentioned an interest in rope bondage - I'll use the term shibari and hope no one wants to be too pedantic about the term. Some play with Shibari seems a fairly non threatening way to start playing, so we take a few long ropes and head downstairs to the lounge. I suggest downstairs, hoping it is a little less intense than playing in the dungeon and not wanting to rush things.

It's funny, but I've always found that point of making contact with someone in a play context to be a real barrier. It's important to me to have a genuinely willing partner (however much this may be at odds to the roles we play!) and being sure someone is comfortable with you laying hands on their body and sharing that intimacy is really important.

We break the ice with a hug, and tying a full body harness on Lyra (a karada if you are interested in such things) breaks those boundaries properly. Lyra seems fascinated by the process of tying as well as it's results, and Lily looks itching to join the fun so Lyra comes and watches closely as I tie a slightly naughty chest harness with wrists tied behind her back on Lily. The vibe now is light, playful and interested. I talk Lyra through a few more ties and she puts a body harness on Lily, and I'm surprised at just how much I enjoy having two thoroughly roped women.

There's a natural break where it feels that we have done all the shibari we should for a first time and I ask the damn fool question "what would you like to try next". It's a stupid question as Lyra looks like a kid in a sweet shop with no real idea of what she wants out of the array of possibilities.

I think Lily comes to the rescue by suggesting that a next gentle introduction might be playing with the violet wand, so upstairs we go to the dungeon, and discover just how sensitive Lyras back is. Clothes are lost. Much contact happens and here is where my account begins to come unfocussed. As the evening progressed my recall becomes increasingly a set of linked images and impressions with little sense of time scale or conscious thought.

I do remember increasingly few clothes, kissing, the glorious sight of Lyra and Lilly holding each other and kissing passionately. I remember Lily draped over a piece of rather well shaped furniture being kissed and stroked at one end, and spanked at the other. I think that happened before Lyra ended up in the same position with some gentle play with floggers, but my sense of sequence is not clear in my memory. I definately remember spanking Lily and feeling her respond to it with growing passion, seeing interest and arousal in Lyras eyes. Lyras first spanking is similarly clear, even if the sequence of events isn't. I remember starting gently, almost stroking, and building to firm strokes. I remember a soft "oh" of surprised arousal when the first firm strokes came and laughter when Lily asked if she now got why people enjoyed being spanked.

We didn't go to far in that direction that first night. An moderately extended spanking to a glowing red bottom then back to other toys. We ended up losing the last of our clothes in our bedroom, back playing with the violet wand, with the attachment that made your own body the conduit used to pass the prickling electrical sensation and it was easy to drift from this into the three of us making love. Surprisingly easy actually, as this had never happened before in the time Lily and I have been together, but it just flowed naturaly by degrees from
Erotic play to three people making love fluidly and naturally.

I have to be honest and say that here my memory becomes even more fragmented, though the images and sense memories are stronger. There are still dozens of vivid images that come to mind, I'll share those that float to the surface of my thoughts as I write:

Lilys face with mouth open and eyes closed as she experiences having each nipple in a different mouth; red hair and dark mingled on a pillow; fucking Lily while she kissed Lyra passionately; Lyra mouthing "Jesus" in a soft extatic voice as I went down on her again and she found her orgasm coming stronger; Lyra and I stroking Lily gently as she came down from a shattering orgasm with her body trembling; Lily cradling Lyra later as she trembled in the afterglow of coming similarly powerfully.

Ah, fragments of memory. I've had to pick at a few I could describe, as much of the time I couldn't tell you what was being done to who. We became one body with many limbs and a massive capacity for pleasure. We entwined, teased and ravished in a seamless dance.

Eventually we were spent, and hugged and held each other. I tried to remember tricky stuff like which was my body and what my name was. Thirst and hunger drew us down to the kitchen for drinks and toasted sandwiches.

I do remember looking at the clock and noticing that it now read 2 AM. We began playing with rope at a little before seven on the Friday evening. Somehow, seven hours had disappeared.

It was glorious to find a shared sense of wonderful afterglow. It was glorious to find no hint of embarasement around each others nakedness. We curled up on our bed in a puddle of bodies and stroked and kissed and soon slept.

I woke the next morning laid on my left side with my right arm draped across Lyra and Lily. In sleep they were utterly relaxed, open and beautiful. I blinked sleep from my eyes and cautiously felt for my emotions as something felt odd.

It took me a few moments to realise why. I felt - peaceful.

No inner dialog, no drive to get any particular task done, just a stillness and contentment which I carried around for days, mixed with warmth, contentment and love.

It may seem an odd thing to say, but that Saturday morning I felt absolutely myself. No doubts, no questions, just me. I felt deeply in love with Lily and huge warmth and affection for Lyra. Watching them was touching and beautiful beyond belief. I cuddled them both gently, settled myself and fell back to sleep.

So there we go. A beginning. There are many more things I could say about that evening, many questions it raised that I'm sure we'll come back to but it's good to have produced an account of it, one that I hope Lily and Lyra are able to add to.

M

From stage left; Enter “the wife”

2010-07-01T18:43:00.001+01:00

Well, how does one live up to an introduction like that. I worry that the answer is probably poorly but as Marlowe comments, my low self esteem is legendary.

An introductory message feels important at this point as anyone who knows me knows that “the wife” probably conjures up an image that doesn’t fit me well. I am lily, a 33 year old professional woman who is a strange mix of gregarious and antisocial; innocent and deliciously filthy. Probably to Lyra’s great surprise, I was until I met Marlowe, very innocent. Oh don’t get me wrong, I had slept with plenty of people (or at least plenty of people for a nice middle class girl from a good family) but I had experienced a love life that would barely make a nun blush. I love Lyra’s shock at playing with toys – I hadn’t even played with a bit of food in the bedroom. Not even a bit of whipped cream in comedy. The kinkiest I got was once doing it on a washing machine (which is not for the faint hearted, particularly when your partner is 8 inches taller than you). How did I survive?

I have always been quite open minded about sex but had always been faintly ashamed of my libido. I had only really discussed my sex life with my male gay friend who I was fairly sure was in no position to make judgements. Discovering that there was a whole world of people out there who were like me and a whole load of new ways of enjoying sensuality and pleasure was like stepping through the mirror into another world. Lyra, I envy you – you have so much fun to come.

I am also lucky in that I got the chance to explore my sexuality with someone who loved me and who I loved dearly (I am aware that if I compliment Marlowe too much throughout this blog he will blush and hide but I am determined he will realise that he is fabulous in all ways so I shall not pander to his coyness too much). I am also lucky in that I got a chance to be gently lead through this process of discovery – I had been very hurt before (I fear this may come up again) and could have been very vulnerable to the unscrupulous. That in part is why I am so delighted that I get to be a part of Lyra’s discovery. I hope that we can be a part of helping her to transverse the potential pitfalls of the world of kink without overly shaping her journey – put simply, I hope I get to help Lyra in the way that I was helped.

Despite being open minded, playing with others had really only been a bit of a fantasy. Marlowe and I had speculated on playing with others and had talked a little about the fact that I would not be comfortable with another man as a regular play partner (though I have very much learned to never say never on my exploration of kink) but I don’t think that either of us had taken the idea seriously – it had more been a feature of post coital idle speculation.

That’s why I was surprised as Lyra and Marlowe when things happened as they did. I knew Marlowe had emailed (though he had never told me it was blank he sent!!!) and was going to ask Lyra the question but I didn’t quite expect to end up here.....

My part in this blogging is probably (knowing me) going to be less than that of the others. I would like to claim that this is because I will be percolating profound thoughts around in my head until I have a posting worth merit but in reality it will be because I am lazy and rubbish at electronic communications.

I also think that my role in all of this will be quite different from the others. I have come to terms with my kink side and I am at a place at the moment where I don’t want to think too hard about what I get from it as it might just put me off (over analysing has its pitfalls). I may therefore have less to offer with regards to that topic, though I expect that Lyra’s experiences may well parallel some I went through less than 5 years ago. My place in this blog I think will be to reflect on what it feels like to be along for this ride and to experience a relationship which is so different from what I have always known and considered to be normal. I expect that I will struggle along the way with the challenges of extending out the boundaries of a very close and intimate relationship, both in and out of the bedroom and in and out of kink, to accommodate a third person. All I can say is I am very lucky that the third person is so wonderful and so easy to care for

Back to the history - shall we meet?

2010-07-01T14:25:00.001+01:00

A friend of mine once described that process of finding out if there are shared ideas and chemistry that might make for a developing play partner relationship, as "the Dance".

It's a good analogy, you circle carefully, social mores dictate certain steps and it becomes both effort and pleasure. I mention this because just establishing an interest in kink may be step one, but that leaves a huge range of possibilities.

Quite apart from anything else, what the hell do you mean by "kink"? I've left it quite deliberately undefined as it's a huge range of things to different people, and you'll see what I'm talking about for us when we start talking about what has happened in our times together. That said, to have a meaningful conversation with Lyra required some begining definition, and avoiding it sounding too cold and clinical.

What happened next was a conversation over email that led to us meeting several weeks later to - well I'll leave what we did when we finally met to a later posting.

For once this is something easy to document as I still have the emails involved. So, pausing only to amend real life names and remove identifying information, this is the conversation that occurred the next day (and contributed to one of the least productive work days I've ever had!):

My first Email to Lyra took some time to compose. It had to balance information with brevity (I failed on the brevity!), and brought back those concerns that it had to be clear enough to start a meaningful exchange, but not leave her feeling harrassed. How well I did this is I guess best left to comment from her, but it was with some excitement but considerable nerves that I sent the following:

Hi Lyra

I'm glad I asked about kink last night as I was really torn about whether to do so. As I said, I normally have really good instincts about this, but I was a little unsure in your case. Sorry about asking in a car full of people (even though they were fairly safe people) but it didn't look like I was going to get a more discreet chance. It leads on to other questions that I would definately not want to ask in a place that might make you uncomfortable, so back to email for the moment.

Obviously, I'd happily answer any questions you have, either over email or face to face over a coffee but I'd also love to know more about you, are you someone who's always had an interest in kink (there's a good few people I know who when they were children always found it "interesting" when people in stories got tied up or whipped but only later figured out what that interest means), or someone who's become aware of an interest as an adult?

Have you had much in the way of experiences? Don't feel you need to answer that as it's quite a personal question, but if not then you have so much fun in store! Depending on your inclinations, that first time when someone who knows what they are doing gives you a thorough spanking, starting as light as a caress and losing yourself in sensation as the intensity builds. Or the learning of how to do that, seeing the effect your blows have on someone, learning to vary intensity and rhythm, when to strike and when to stroke. Or the artistry of using 25 metres of rope in an elaborate Japanese rope bondage to constrict and arouse. Or any of the myriad of other things one can get up to. Hmm, I'm actually quite envious...

The big question is, of course, where do you want to go with this?

I guess I'd better make it clear whether that's just a come on - Is that me just asking if you are interested in playing with me/us? Well its not, not primarily. We're actually quite choosy about playing with people as there are some real issues about trust and personality, but it's worth saying that Lily and I would both be quite happy playing with you or just introducing you to the scene.

If you'd like to just ask a few questions, then find your own way, that's fine. If you'd like to discuss it a bit and come along to some social events then that's fine as well (the next decent club night we're going to is the 5th of May). If you'd like to gently experiment with some play in a safe environment, then I would be happy to oblige or could let you know how to find others. If you want to jump in with both feet with some intense sceneing then we can point you in that direction or you can come along with us (less predictable than clubbing, but happens fairly regularly).

The problem that I've got in knowing what to suggest or what to tell you about is still that lack of instinct about how you are wired that makes it difficult to know what your interests are (and indeed, this may well be something to explore, which will evolve over time). You see, though you may often hear people talk about "the scene" or "the fetish scene" there is actually no such thing. There are many and varied bits of the fetish scene, some of which overlap.

Some people just play in their own committed relationship, some use the Internet to constantly trawl for partners. Some play with others, some play around others.

Some people enjoy clubbing to dress up outrageously, some enjoy clubbing as an opportunity to play.

Some are into gentle sensation play, some are into harsh sensation play, some are into role play with the context and head space as important as any physical contact.

Some like spanking but are shocked at any suggestion of sexual
contact, some always like to lead up to lots of kinky sex. Some are into spanking/caning/whipping, some are into rope bondage, electroplay, etc etc.

Some people like to top/dominate, some like to bottom/submit, some like to switch and the actual dynamics can be much more complicated.

Where do Lily and I stand? Well that's a little complicated. We have some involvement with a range of bits of the scene as we get different things out of different aspects. I think our prefered part at the moment is the roleplaying and private parties side of things, though that may be because we've recently discovered some really lovely people in this side of things and had some really interesting experiences. Using role play as a part of play is something that allows you to go to some really interesting places in your head and still come back safely afterwards (and personally, I've always taken the view that the mind is the most important sexual organ, though I actually think that this remains the case in sensation play).

We also go clubbing a fair bit but tend to go for the clubs that have a decent mix of socialising and playing rather than the "dance club with a fetish dress code" type.

I guess I should also say that we don't identify ourselves as
polyamorous, but we do enjoy playing with others if it's the right people.

Actually, that's quite a defining feature of how we play - some people have quite rigid "yes" and "no" lists. How we play varies quite a lot. What I am into varies by partner, situation, intuition and a whole range of other things and I genuinely enjoy a wide range of scenes. I've always found it unhelpful to try and nail down how a scene will go in too much detail beforehand, and with some idea of definate "no" areas and a safeword you can generally have a lot more fun than you can with a script. With roleplay you need a strong sense of situation and your "dropping off point", but then you still need to respond to intuition and events.

I guess we also tend towards a degree of discretion - I've never been particularly in the closet about my sexuality, but nor do I feel a need to massively broadcast it (though I do find myself mentioning more if I'm still buzzing after a really interesting evening - hence the conversation last week!)

Well, thats probably enough for a first email. I guess that will have either frightened you off or filled you with questions. Hopefully it is the latter, but if it's the former, then let me know and I won't make you uncomfortable by raising it again.

Best wishes

M

So, there we were. A decent introductory email that left me feeling a bit vulnerable, but hopefully was open and diverse enough to invite a full and frank reply. I crossed fingers and hoped for the best.

Shortly a reply came through from Lyra:

Hi Marlowe,

I'm glad you asked too and I'm glad you've sent this e.mail :) I'm not exactly shy about my sexuality but I will admit to being quite inexperienced, purely due to never having the opportunities to experiment or having a partner quite so open-minded. It's something I've been interested in for a few years and have tried some quite mild play but only with close friends and it's never amounted to much. Like you, I'm quite intuitive when it comes to sex and playing, what I'm into will vary with the partner, the situation, the mood I'm in, the mood they're in etc.

I completely agree with you about the mind being the most important sexual organ we have, the intricacies of how the mind can affect a sensual meeting have always astounded me. Sensation play is probably where I've had the most experience and found the most enjoyment in evoking responses from other people but equally, being teased and played with until you can't take anymore and then being pushed further is an amazing feeling, doing that to other people being just as much fun.

Japanese rope bondage is something I've been wanting to try ever since I first heard of it and role play is another area that I've always wanted to explore and have rarely had opportunity to try. My biggest problem is finding people that I'd trust enough to be completely vulnerable in front of. Whilst I'd probably be comfortable with you and Lily, with strangers I'd probably need at least a few hours of getting to know them and a good sense of what I'd be getting myself in for. For that reason I think small groups or casual social groups would suit me better than clubs, although I have an insatiable curiosity so I'm not ruling out the more interesting clubbing in the future.

So, the big question. Where would I like to go with this? The short answer is everywhere. I have an absolutely insatiable curiosity combined with years of not being able to do anything about it or knowing where to start or who to start with. I am completely open to experimenting and discovering more about myself which I'd imagine could be quite interesting for someone with more experience. If you're willing to introduce me to the kaleidoscope of kink, or point me in the direction of the right people, I would very much enjoy it.

Kind regards,

L

Well, what more could one want, it looks like it's going to be interesting and I have a big grin as I reply:

Hello Lyra

Well fantastic, I think we are going to have a lot of fun.

Thank you for giving me my biggest grin of the week. I share an office and had to explain to my colleague why I was in such a good mood! I may possibly have lied a little.

I absolutely get the point about needing to be comfortable enough to be OK letting the defenses down. This is entirely normal and certainly something that affects Lily and I. Interestingly, this tends to mean that play in large clubs is more limited than in small groups - most people don't let themselves go as much in a more public place, so clubs may well be less intimidating than you imagine but also rather less fun.

Ditto with the getting to know people, though do remind me at some point to tell you the story of when we met a friend of ours who is really shy with new people so we actually agreed to meet in role and it was ... interesting.

I could talk about all sorts of stuff but there's a danger of over intellectualising everything. It strikes me that the first thing you need to do is start gently exploring and discovering what works for you (though it's worth mentioning that most of us find that this is a range of things and evolves over time).

So, I'd suggest one of two things, either meeting up for a coffee and a chat or coming over to us for an evening. We could have a meal, chat about kink and introduce you to our little dungeon and then just see what takes your interest.

Which sounds good and when is good for you?

Our only dampener is busy working lives and need for recovery time, but I'm sure we can sort out something in the next week if you have some time free.

Feel free to ask any questions about anything kink related, I just thought I'd better rein myself back and not flood you with lots of information about the kink scene that might be more useful later on.

Hugs

M

Swiftly, a reply arrives:

Hi M,

An evening with a meal, a chat and an introduction to the dungeon sounds ideal. You'll have to direct me though, I've only ever been to yours with ***** and he's taken a different route and gotten us lost both times! :P

I'm free most evenings so if you and Lily work out what's best for you I can be quite flexible.

So, we are going to meet up and see where it goes. Should be interesting. The night before, Lily and I had discussed the Lyra's interest and the possible outcomes and this was probably the best way to get started on finding out what you are into. We are a little vague on where that will go as we had talked several times about playing with another woman and were very much on the dame page that there were no real boundaries here, so long as the person and situation felt right. Lily had good vibes about Lyra, and we were happy to see where it went. I texted (or possibly phoned, but I think it was text) Lily to check ghis was still OK and discuss possible evenings. Then the emails were just logistics:

Hi Lyra,

I've just had a chat with Lily about this. Generally, we have much more energy when it's not a work day the following day, so we were thinking weekends if that's OK with you. Mid week is do-able but this feels worth making a bit more special. Does that sound good to you?

Annoyingly, this weekend is pretty much booked, so maybe Friday the 14th or Saturday the 15th (either would be good for us).

Possibly the best option might be the Friday, as Lily could give you a lift from ********* (I presume that would be helpful and sorts out the directions) and you would be welcome to crash over.

Does that work for you?

M

Hi Marlowe,

The Friday works for me, I think you're right about making it a night without work the following day and getting a lift from ********* would help my complete lack of navigational sense!

I'm really looking forward to this now, I haven't stopped smiling for hours :)

Lyra

And there we were. It was arranged. I wasn't quite sure what would happen. Maybe just talk, probably some demonstration of shibari, possibly a spanking, which tends to be quite an experience if you've never had one before. Still, an evening to look forward to and there was something in my instincts giving me a distinct frisson of anticipation, telling me it was going to be exciting and memorable.

I still didn't anticipate how the evening actually turned out!

Hmm, I'm interested to hear how this exchange felt to Lyra and then over the weekend I guess it's finally time to talk about our first night together.

M

Hello Lily!

2010-07-01T11:27:00.002+01:00

A very quick post from me today as I'm sitting in my mother's house where I'm staying until next Wednesday (it's amazing how many levels of encryption, security and ensuring that you haven't left a trace of history on the computer that you can remember after so many years of not needing to!)

I'm really glad that I finally have the chance to talk about Lily because there was a real danger of this blog being more about me and Marlowe as we're the two that are going to be contributing most frequently. I wasn't quite sure how involved Lily wanted to be and thus haven't yet written a great deal about the other third of our relationship, but now.. Now I can go a little more into how Lily was an important part of my awakening.

I've said before that I'd never really considered Marlowe in that way before the conversation in the car and a large part of that was because of Lily. Lily is a truly amazing woman. She is strong, independent, scarily intelligent, strikingly beautiful and yet, in the right company she has a little streak of vulnerability that makes her absolutely endearing. (I can see her face as I'm writing this and although she won't openly approve of a critical mass of compliments, I plan to be very honest with this blog, so there!)

I'm incredibly fussy with women. I'm fussy with men because things have to feel right and there has to be something about them that puts me at ease, but with women, it's not so much the putting at ease that matters, it's the "something about them" and that's really hard for me to find in women and equally hard for me to describe. With any relationship there's a balance of dependence, co-dependence, individuality and your ability to be co-independent - a mix of vulnerability vs strength. I think I find that balance reasonably easy with men because there are enough public examples out there to look at and think "yeah, they've got that balance right" or "that doesn't seem right, (s)he isn't him/herself when they're together." I can compare my relationships to the public examples and think about whether I'm at the place that I want to be, whether I should be stronger or whether I should give the poor guy a break and let myself be a little more..obedient? not quite the word I'm looking for but that one appears to have escaped me.

I can't put my finger on why that's different for women. I think we're more sensual, more emotionally aware (yes, broad sweeping statements, I know) and that makes our relationships different, more emotionally intense with no real role models to help think about how things "should" be. Again, "should" isn't the right word but when thinking about such things, I like to have a broad set of examples and be able to go "somewhere between x and y is the right spot for us in this dynamic." So perhaps, getting that balance right is incredibly important but also more difficult for women. Perhaps it's only my experience that has shown this to be true but it has been an issue in the past.

With Lily, things are slightly different because we weren't looking at each other from the perspective of starting a relationship but that strength vs vulnerability balance is now so ingrained into my psychology that it's part of what makes a woman attractive to me. And that's one of Lily's great strengths. I noticed it when I first met her, before I knew that she was married to Marlowe or anything else about her and found her incredible.

At some point soon, I'll try and write about the balance of the relationship(s?) that we have as I think it'll be interesting to explore how I regard both Lily and Marlowe as equals but have completely different relations with them both as individuals. First, we'll have to continue with the story of how we got to this point though!

Loving Lily

2010-07-01T10:54:00.003+01:00

Yay, we have a pseudonym for my wonderful wife. She has decided that in this blog she will be known as Lily.

Lily is an interesting pick as a name as it's one we've used in roleplaying (roleplaying in the kink sense in this instance!). Interesting because it's not a major or regularly used identity, but one that is occasional and intense.

There is a real risk in this blog that Lilys part in it gets overlooked. Play occurs between the three of us but with myself recounting bits and thinking about what was going on for me and with Lyra doing similar it might be easy to miss Lily, to see her as a secondary figure.

You see, Lily is as important a part of this story as anyone. More important in many ways as she is the woman that helped me find myself after years in the wilderness, the woman that taught me to love again.

Lily is in her early thirties, a successful, very well qualified professional and very easy to spend time with, which conceals the fact she's quite scarily bright. We were colleagues for several years before the night when a works social and a lot of red wine meant we actually talked about ourselves.

This meant we knew each other on some levels really rather well already. I'd seen her under intense pressure, dealing with extreme emotion in others, facing aggression and in a dozen other ways many people rarely get to see their partner react to, and she's quite something. Passionate, firey, articulate, brave, empathic and caring.

When we finally noticed each other as people rather than colleagues, our relationship took off very quickly. Quickly but not always comfortably.

You see, we knew each other. We were also both very skilled in working with personal change and dealing with avoidance. That's not comfortable when someone can see straight through the defenses we put up. Particularly if there are hangups - and we both had plenty of those. Lily had to get used to that from me, and struggled with the fact that my regard for her was rather higher than her regard for herself. I had exactly the same problem from her, complicated by the fact that parts of me felt broken, and I had to share with her that I was not sure if I was still capable of truely loving someone.

I had been very hurt years before with the break up of my first marriage and a series of betrayals that all but destroyed my sense of identity and self worth. I survived, but when Lily came along I was still doing just that - surviving not living.

Lyra has a fondness for the Phoenix as a metaphor, and it's quite an appropriate one here. I surprised myself by survival, and learned from my experiences - being consumed by fire transforming into new possibilities and growth. But it was the warmth of Lilys love, and her vulnerability in taking the risk to love me when I did not know if I could do so in return that triggered my rebirth.

Lily taught me to love again, to live again. Without her I would not today be the person who is capable of loving her absolutely and sharing a different type of love and connection with Lyra. With several others actually. Our language is lousy at expressing the various shades of warmth and intimacy between aquaintance, friend, play partner, lover and lifetime love (this is a point I suspect we'll come back to several times!). I think I am by nature loving and quite nurturing, but without Lily I wouldn't be able to love and care for the people I am close to in the way that I do. Most of all she woke me to loving her and a partnership that is impossible to express without sounding cheesily cliched.

Lily, thank you.

Much of what has passed between us and Lyra has been new for Lily it has taken us out of our comfort zone and beyond our normal boundaries.

Growth and exploration may be good things but they're also quite scary, unsettling and challenging, so hopefully we will have some input from Lily as we progress. This is her journey as much as Lyras or my own.

M

Added just before posting

I wrote the text above two days ago. Last night I showed it to Lily to see if she was OK with me posting it. It was quite an emotional experience. It is one thing to know how someone feels about you but comes across with much greater impact when written down and about to go on an open blog.

It has spurred her to get writing as well, so though you are likely to see more posts from Lyra and I, Lily is now planning in being an active contributor.

When she began writing last night, an introduction (which she'll probably post tonight) and a piece about the challenges of these new experiences (which she'll hold onto until we've looked at how our relationship developed), I was not sure whether to post this or not. Again, I'm posting this unedited as it is a clear and honest statement about her. I hope any readers find it interesting and useful.

M

The girl who said yes...

2010-06-30T11:26:00.001+01:00

I wrote this posting the day after we first discussed starting this blog. Since then we have discussed things, set up a blog and written introductions. That renders some of this account less relevant, but I am posting it with a minimum of editing as i think that to re write it would see me editorialising too much and I want what I put here to be as honest and from the heart as I can safely make it.

Some questions are tricky to ask. One of the problems of having obscure tastes is finding out whether they are shared. Role-playing (in the non-kink sense, which is a shared hobby of the three of us and how Lyra met us) is a classic example, as asking the wrong person can get you labelled as geek or freak so one learns some caution in enquiring if you think this might be a shared interest with someone you work with.

With kink, its whole orders of magnitude scarier. Some people treat it as a joke, some treat it as a crime but the trickiest thing is that references to kink are quite commonplace nowadays, but many people who think a bit of slap and tickle is fine can still seriously judge you if you admit you actually like the idea of taking things a little more seriously.

So, what do you do when you think you've seen that glint of real interest? I guess that being mildly “out” about my sexuality in roleplaying circles helps, so at least one can make comments about kink, but there's still that careful veil between light hearted comment with people having a notion that you are a part of the fetish scene (whatever the hell that means – hmm, I'll postpone that rant to another day) and making any comment that might break people.

How do you word it when you think someone might be more seriously interested?

“well, my dear, it looks like you might be interested in kink. It would be lovely to tie you up, cane you and call you nasty names...”

Hmm, maybe not, but then there's the risk of getting trapped in some stumbling, Hugh Grant-esque extended mumbling where you never come to the point, never actually communicate and, frankly, look a bit of a tit!

So, context, its late April, there's a roleplaying game on in our nearest city (that I almost bail on as I'm tired, except I need to NPC – thank the goddess I went!) and I make some comment about "the last time I saw someone playing a maid it went really quite differently ..." to a friend of ours. General humour for those listening with a slight tinge of fun as some people know I probably mean it but, hey, I'm feeling relaxed and a little exhibitionist. Then I see the glint.

The Glint? Come on, surely you know the glint? You've seen it when flirting with someone receptive. You've seen it pass between two people and known, just known, they're fighting to keep passion in check. It's damn easy to be sure about when you see it between others, harder to be sure about when you see a flash of it to a comment of yours. Harder still when the woman involved is seriously cute and seems always popular and surrounded. Sure, we get on OK but she's really pretty and hey, surely she gets any experiences she's interested in?

Only kink's not that simple. It can be a vague restless itch until you find a way to explore it. Even those for whom its a raging fire can spend years finding a way to start exploring in a way that's safe and has real chemistry, so maybe she'd like to play? Maybe she'd really value being pointed into the right direction and introduced to the scene? After all, we have a pretty good range of contacts and there's something lovely about helping set someone on their first faltering steps in exploring their sexuality in safety and support (and there are plenty who start instead in shame and danger).

Then conversation swirls in another direction and the moment goes.

Enough context – what do you do next? Do you ask? How?

Remember here that this is someone who is part of a wider social circle which is important to us and a clumsy and unwanted proposition could have a real effect on our social lives (not to mention reputation!). Is it worth the risk? Life's fine as it is and I'm far from short of kink experiences to access. Hmm.

Next day I write a short email. It's crass and clumsily suggestive. I delete and re-write. It's uncomfortably direct. Delete, write, delete, write, give up, bin the email and get back to work.

Only I don't. I think I cancel the email, but I don't. Instead I accidentally press send and a blank, untitled email wings its way into the ether. A query comes back from Lyra so I say that I was going to ask a question but couldn't think how to word it, so it's left there, hanging. The following Tuesday, when we meet again, I grab the only opportunity with any degree of safety (which isn't ideal as it's in a car with me, my wife and a friend who's also kink friendly, making it an acceptable environment but one that must have magnified her nerves if she had any in answering).

In the car with my wife...? Oh yes, I guess that needs some explanation as well doesn't it. Tell you what, I'll make it my next post, or maybe the one after that. Just put it to one side for a moment and come with me on this.

Where were we? Oh yes, the question! What question? I think I said something like “last week when I mentioned kink you looked genuinely interested. Is it something you'd like to explore?”.

What do you mean, that's a bit lame? What were you expecting? A Shakespearean sonnet? Hell, I was content with getting out a coherent sentence that asked the basic question, popped in about the only break in conversation in a three minute car journey.

Most importantly, she said yes. Cue the hallelujah chorus! We didn't get a chance to say much more then, but yes she was interested, and then email was fine to take the conversation forward.

What happened next? I think I'll come back to that but I will say that its been intense, touching, erotic and one hell of a journey. Hold onto your hats, it's going to be a bumpy ride!

Terminus a quo

2010-06-29T22:02:00.003+01:00

Marlowe might tell you that the starting point was a look in my eye, some form of body language that told him it was ok to ask the question, but for me, the starting point was a blank e.mail - a sign that someone had thought of sending me an email but changed their minds for a reason I wasn't sure of. As you learn more about me I'm sure you'll realise that I have a curiosity complex about as wide as a canyon so a blank email couldn't be left unanswered. That part is almost inconsequential now though, it was an opener to the conversation the next day, in a car with Marlowe's wife and a friend who also frequents the scene.

Never has a 2 minute drive inspired such imagination, interest and intrigue. I can't remember exact words that Marlowe used (my memory isn't quite that good) but it was along the lines of "I've noticed that you seem to have an interest in kink, is that something you'd like to explore or something that you just flirt with?" at which point, my mind was racing. "Yes!" was my exact answer. "Yes, it's something that I'd love to explore" at which point, the journey was over and we were once again surrounded by friends for pizza and a post-game drink at my flat.

I didn't have too much time to think that night until everyone had gone home. I didn't know much about what was meant by the kink-scene (in fact, I still don't really) or what kind of things Marlowe would be into, whether this would lead to actually exploring some of the things that I've been dreaming about for years, or whether this would just be an interesting topic of conversation between friends. I had no idea about Marlowe's links to the scene, his abilities or preferences and that was by far the scariest part, something I would really need to talk about before taking any further steps.

I have a lot of hangups about sex.. actually, that's not quite accurate, I have a lot of hangups about people and how they treat sex. After some particularly nasty experiences a few years ago I find that I can't just play with anyone at any time, I need to mentally prepare myself for it, I need to know and trust who I'm playing with and most importantly, I need to be able to relax. Luckily, I have pretty good instincts about people - not always, but for the most part, I can tell whether I'd be ok playing with someone or whether I'd freak out and scare them off for good. Marlowe was one of those people that I hadn't really considered in that way before - you know, what with him being happily married to an absolutely amazing woman (more on that later), being completely out of my league and not likely to be interested in little plain me.. but yeah, he's extremely attractive, intelligent, funny and has a personality that whispers "I care about you too much to let any harm come to you, we're going to move at your pace and I have good enough instincts to know when something isn't right - more importantly, I know how to deal with things if they don't feel right." And that's how I knew that Marlowe was the right person to corrupt what's left of my innocence ;)

(note: I've never had a relationship based on play rather than sex so at this point, the terms are almost interchangeable, for this I apologise - I'll make the distinction clearer when talking about things that happen in the future but for things that pre-date this blog, you can assume that the terms are interchangeable.)

Once upon a time...

2010-06-29T13:13:00.002+01:00

First of all, I believe an introduction is in order. I am Lyra, a 23 year old with completely normal everyday interests. I like to read books and poetry, listen to music, visit friends in various parts of the country and try new things whenever I can. I run a business, I use public transport, I have a fairly normal life.. Or at least that's how my intorduction would have read 8 weeks ago. I still have all of the above but now I also have a slightly darker, less innocent and infinitely more pleasurable life because in the last two months I've had my eyes open to a whole new world.

That's why I'm here now to be honest. I've had a fairly vanilla sex life until recently. I've had two long term (both 3 years, I'm sure you can do the maths) relationships, one of which was experimental but I wouldn't class it as kinky and the other.. well.. I was engaged to man that could politely be called less interesting than a green bean in the bedroom but at least he could keep up.

I've had both male and female partners, sometimes at the same time but largely, they were unremarkable encounters. So now, in this new world of kink and sensuality and hedonistic pleasures, everything feels very surreal. I have weekends away from home with Marlowe and his wife, during which they'll almost undoubtedly unveil another new experience, but at the end of the weekend, as I settle into my own bed and reflect on what I've been up to, I have these hazy memories - images of bodies and skin and hands and toys (I'd never used toys before!) but none of felt real - it felt like I was watching and remembering something that someone else had done. I'm hoping that blogging my experiences as they happen will help me work through what I've been doing, but also, more than anything, I want the memories to be clearer.

I want to be able to look back through this blog and track my experiences, to see how my relationships change with Marlowe and his wife, with my own mind and body and with the people on the scene that are undoubtedly going to change my sex life forever. I want to look back and marvel at my relative innocence (did I mention that I'd never used toys before?) and lastly, I agree with Marlowe. I want to sit here after a year with a glass of champagne (or pimms, or perhaps a mojito or two for old times sake) and celebrate an anniversary of unashamed perversion! Maybe if I'm really good I'll even get a certificate out of it ;)

Well, hello

2010-06-29T10:40:00.002+01:00

So, here we go with a first posting. I doubt this will attract all that much notice from the world, but it feels quite a big thing for me.

Why am I blogging? Well, the basic idea of the blog sits in the description above but it feels worthy of some further explanation, to clarify my thoughts if nothing else.

I've had contact with the fetish scene for a long time now, and I've had occasional polyamourous relationships before but the last few weeks have found me in new situations. Ones that I'd like to understand and treasure. Ones that seem worthy of both record and reflection. You see, in many years of kink and sexuality (over 20 years scarily, though I did start early!) I have never found myself in the position of having a partner I love so deeply and a circle of such good kinky friends. To add a wonderful new person into that, and share her exploration of kink for the first time is quite something.

The idea for this blog came about nine days ago, sitting in the garden sipping a mohito in blazing sunshine early on Sunday afternoon after a wonderfully sensual weekend. I had just said that there are times when life is just good. I was feeling warm, loving, sated and very lucky with my head full of the image of earlier that morning, bringing two wonderful women to a simultaneous climax as they clung to each other and kissed frantically. Wonderful and intoxicating.

Lyra commented that her only worry was that much of the time we had spent together felt really wonderful, but was so removed from normal reality that after a few days it started to feel like a beautiful dream, and dreams fade and feel unreal. It would be good to hold on to those memories fresh.

This tapped into some thoughts of mine that had been rattling around for a while. Before Lyra ever joined us to explore kink I had been blogging some memories on a private blog and thinking about blogging more publically to see if input and comment might shed some light on questions I had set aside but never resolved - most notably, why did I enjoy kink in the first place and the big question of why on earth I enjoy being dominant or "topping".

I'd discussed this at some length with Abel (of "the spanking writers"), who was very positive about what he had gained from feedback to his site. So, here we go. Let's record and preserve some memories, and let's see if that reflection allows me to understand more fully myself and my kink.

I think I will be helped in that by Lyras contributions to this blog. She plans on posting just as actively as I do. It will be interesting to hear things from her perspective and as we both explore how we respond to situations it may help both our understandings.

Time commitments and other blogging mean that we will hear less from the third person involved, but I hope she will contribute occasionally, at least in comment form (it seems odd referring to my wonderful life partner as "the third person" when she is the strongest influence on me, I love her with a passion and she is the most impressive woman I've ever known, but I'm still waiting for her to pick a pseudonym!).

We are planning to progress this blog chronologically, as it happened, but at an increased pace so that we catch up the eight weeks or so since we first talked about kink in a few weeks and can then post in real time. That means that there are pieces waiting already written that will be posted later. I'll try and let people know where stuff was composed out of sequence. In my considerations about why I enjoy topping, I may draw on some other recent experiences as well, though these will definately be out of sequence.

By the nature of exploration, there are no guarantees that this will progress smoothly and stably. It is possible that by the time we have caught up with our backlog of experiences and are running in real time, we will no longer be lovers with Lyra, though I sincerely hope that is not the case. I think that our friendship and similar direction of enquiry means that this blog will carry on regardless but, hey, we'll have to see where it goes! I'm hoping to be celebrating the anniversary of the site with champagne and stories of our latest life affirming exploits.

As one final thought, you may be wondering what "kink" means to us, after all it's a broad church. I'm not going to try and define it here, I think that will be quite obvious enough when we get round to discussing it!

So, welcome and I hope some of you out there enjoy reading what we put down, and can contribute to our journey with your thoughts.

M