Saturday, 16.05
Shh! I'm hiding!
I've found a small space to tuck myself away from the horror and I think I'm safe for the moment, but no one make a sound!
Oh the horror, the horror.
I am in great danger, and it's not just physical danger - my very soul is at risk if I don't protect myself. I just have to survive for two days and I'll be OK, but two days can seem such an eternity.
Hmm, perhaps I should explain. I'm down doing the Christmas visit to my family! For two days I cannot escape, I must just survive.
OK, there is just a tiny possibility that I may be being overdramatic about this, but seriously it's genuinely a bit of a trial having my adult self thrown back into the relationships, attitudes and environment where a very confused adolescent had to sort out who he was and untangle how he felt about his kink twenty something years ago.
So, I can be adult and reflect on the issues of identity and experience, or I can drop any pretence of rationality and just go on a big stream of consciousness rant in a barbed and bitchy way. Which way do you think this is going?
I'm only going to get to grab ten minutes at a time to write this, so let's see what comes out over an increasingly cloying afternoon in which I am likely to drink whatever is available. If I'm particularly unwise, I'll then post it unedited at the end of the night. Should I apologise now?
They're coming! Signing off!
Saturday - 17.23
Th calm before the storm. Full Christmas meal being prepared, most of family yet to turn up. Hiding for a few minutes and have discovered iPod headphones. Picked some appropriate music for feeling like a rebellious teenager - the sisters of mercy.
So, why do I find this so difficult. I have a broadly supportive, loving family background and yes, I'm fully aware how many people have had to survive far worse. In truth most of my childhood was fine. It diverged from this steadily as I began to evolve my sense of self and finally had to realise that I didn't fit. From a very conventional, evangelically Christian family it gets difficult to discover that either you are going to have to spend your life crushing your real self or break away.
Saturday - late
I've described some of this before, though not here. Kami once asked me what I got out of playing dark scenes. One of the three strands of that answer was a big part of why I became really uncomfortable with the family culture and aesthetic. I'll need to censor that previous answer but let's cut and paste it and censor as needed:
"Well a big part of the answer comes in a hunger for experience and intensity, a dark aesthetic sense which has been with me in differing degrees since my childhood. Some people get by with normal lives and experience, and are quite content. I'm not. I want and need more.
There is a restless need for experience that makes my biggest challenge in day to day life just surviving the bland banality that surrounds us. That cloying web of tedium, social normality and duty that seems completely fulfilling for most but leaves me spiralling into ennui.
This doesn't just fuel my kink side. It's why I have done a lot of the things in my life... Extremes of sensation and emotion have always fascinated me and it's in large part why kink first fascinated me and why I jumped at my first chance to experience it. Arguably a little extreme for 16, I neither hesitated nor regretted anything.
This restless, dark aesthetic is very tied up my kink. It's why negative emotions are interesting to explore, why breathlessly intense kink will always score over vanilla (unless it's really good vanilla, though that then seems to make it automatically kinky in the eyes of most of the world!). Interestingly, I can actually pinpoint the life experience that really brought this aesthetic to the fore, though as I was only eight at the time I think it's safe to say that the sexuality got attached to it later!
This strand is a big part of me, a big part of my kink, though not the dominant part in really heavy scenes, at least not when I'm topping. Remembering the first time, that was interesting because it was the first occasion that I met someone who I knew, instinctively, very early on, shared a similar darkness to my own. Something that a religious upbringing had left me feeling very negative about. "
So, welcome to the bland banality, mixed with the ghosts of years of self doubt and the fear I was some sort of evil corruptor. Phantoms that I still carry around in faint form, to whisper their doubts at moments where I am at my lowest. They are loud tonight, and sleep may be some time in coming.
It's curious how we all learn to adapt, grow and survive but many of us carry scars. Old ghosts of doubt and pain. And all this despite basically loving my life.
Oh well, tomorrow I escape and this will feel like a bad dream. I think I will post this, though I'm not sure. If I do so it will be because this may in future be read by people who hit the same confusion and identify with it with a wry smile. And it may be read by people who are in the middle of that confusion, who I hope would recognise some aspects of my distaste and see that most of my life passes untroubled by this.
Sunday 18 December 2011
Sunday 4 December 2011
Hangin' on the telephone
Hmm, not sure how normal this makes my life sound but a couple of months back (also known as about a week before I originally wrote this, but hey, for me that's almost an instant posting!) I was the person on the other end of the phone getting excited and nervous texts from someone on their way to go and scene, then about two days later had exactly the same experience with another friend.
It's something that happens every so often and I suspect that if you are reading this you are rather more likely to have this happen than the general population. In fact, this may well be so normal for you that this seems pointless to reflect on, in which case feel free to leave this posting here. Personally, I may have been involved in kink for...more years than I want to admit to, but for various reasons it is only in the last few years that I've experienced this, and having two occurrences so close to each other really flagged up that it's an interesting and slightly odd situation.
The first of these two occasions was on a classic dull midweek evening, where it was slightly incongruous but a hell of an interesting lift to get a text from someone on their way to play for the evening, nervously sharing the news that their partner had replaced the cane he'd broken on her the last time they played. Its an interesting mix of emotions when you get this sort of thing, particularly as it comes when you are in non kink headspace. There's a bit of entertainment, just hearing that nervous excitement makes you grin. There's a bit of, well actually I'm not sure what the right word is. Arousal? Not quite right the right term as there's definitely a little waking up of erotic interest but it's not really directly sexual. Actually, the relationship between "hot" in a kink sense and sexually arousing could occupy several blog postings and still not find the right words. On top of that there is always a touch of jealousy as that kink bit wakes up and I fancy scening myself, balanced against another feeling that I'm going to struggle to express clearly - a lovely sense of feeling involved, albeit on a peripheral level, with that persons experience, knowing that you are trusted enough to be brought inside that envelope of experience and that you can share in their excitement.
Hmm, probably a bit of a weak description but hopefully it conveys the mixture of emotions to a tolerable degree.
So there I am on a midweek evening and the text turns up from Alice. Well, that breaks across the mundane evening! But then you need to respond appropriately. Sounds easy, but you want to share excitement. To communicate, to contact, to reassure and it's easy to stumble into sounding jealous or like you are just taking the mickey. This is complicated slightly with Alice as we were lovers for several very hot years and could have become a real item had it not been for some rather tangled other relationships for each of us. Keeping contact and working through a heartache back to close friendship was difficult and took us a good few years, but being able to share moments with someone who really knows you and who you are safe to be honest with makes it all worth it.
Maybe that's the defining link in all this that has been wriggling away in the back of my mind as a reason to write this piece. Knowing that you are really safe with someone, and they are safe with you, both in overall friendship and being safe to be honest about kink, because the second occasion, the following Saturday, the texts were from Kami who is someone that Lily and I both feel absolutely and entirely safe with.
This occasion was entertaining when I got the first text from Kami on the train on the way to go scening. Is there something about trains? Alice texted me from the train as well.
Why entertaining? Well, we were out for the evening for a rocky horror show themed party, with a plan to go clubbing later in the evening. The assembled company included a few people who were kinky, several that had scened with us, including Mina and Robert that had also scened with Kami, and a mix of vanillas and semi vanillas. An interesting headspace! We kept a few texts exchanging through the evening, so I got a post scene report as well :)
Yep, that confirms why I wanted to write a posting about this. To explore exactly how those moments feel. The slight nerves at sending a reply that supports but doesn't break that building excitement matched with the joy of sharing the experience. Mmm, lovely. It's one of those things that really add to the enjoyment of life.
Not that the Saturday evening got any easier, but I'll leave the story of explaining to friends why Lily was snogging Mina until later! I will mention as a footnote here that in one of the texts I did warn Kami that my kink tends to get darker in winter and received the reply "you don't need to warn, I will welcome the winter gladly! ;)". Where that led is currently, ongoing!
It's something that happens every so often and I suspect that if you are reading this you are rather more likely to have this happen than the general population. In fact, this may well be so normal for you that this seems pointless to reflect on, in which case feel free to leave this posting here. Personally, I may have been involved in kink for...more years than I want to admit to, but for various reasons it is only in the last few years that I've experienced this, and having two occurrences so close to each other really flagged up that it's an interesting and slightly odd situation.
The first of these two occasions was on a classic dull midweek evening, where it was slightly incongruous but a hell of an interesting lift to get a text from someone on their way to play for the evening, nervously sharing the news that their partner had replaced the cane he'd broken on her the last time they played. Its an interesting mix of emotions when you get this sort of thing, particularly as it comes when you are in non kink headspace. There's a bit of entertainment, just hearing that nervous excitement makes you grin. There's a bit of, well actually I'm not sure what the right word is. Arousal? Not quite right the right term as there's definitely a little waking up of erotic interest but it's not really directly sexual. Actually, the relationship between "hot" in a kink sense and sexually arousing could occupy several blog postings and still not find the right words. On top of that there is always a touch of jealousy as that kink bit wakes up and I fancy scening myself, balanced against another feeling that I'm going to struggle to express clearly - a lovely sense of feeling involved, albeit on a peripheral level, with that persons experience, knowing that you are trusted enough to be brought inside that envelope of experience and that you can share in their excitement.
Hmm, probably a bit of a weak description but hopefully it conveys the mixture of emotions to a tolerable degree.
So there I am on a midweek evening and the text turns up from Alice. Well, that breaks across the mundane evening! But then you need to respond appropriately. Sounds easy, but you want to share excitement. To communicate, to contact, to reassure and it's easy to stumble into sounding jealous or like you are just taking the mickey. This is complicated slightly with Alice as we were lovers for several very hot years and could have become a real item had it not been for some rather tangled other relationships for each of us. Keeping contact and working through a heartache back to close friendship was difficult and took us a good few years, but being able to share moments with someone who really knows you and who you are safe to be honest with makes it all worth it.
Maybe that's the defining link in all this that has been wriggling away in the back of my mind as a reason to write this piece. Knowing that you are really safe with someone, and they are safe with you, both in overall friendship and being safe to be honest about kink, because the second occasion, the following Saturday, the texts were from Kami who is someone that Lily and I both feel absolutely and entirely safe with.
This occasion was entertaining when I got the first text from Kami on the train on the way to go scening. Is there something about trains? Alice texted me from the train as well.
Why entertaining? Well, we were out for the evening for a rocky horror show themed party, with a plan to go clubbing later in the evening. The assembled company included a few people who were kinky, several that had scened with us, including Mina and Robert that had also scened with Kami, and a mix of vanillas and semi vanillas. An interesting headspace! We kept a few texts exchanging through the evening, so I got a post scene report as well :)
Yep, that confirms why I wanted to write a posting about this. To explore exactly how those moments feel. The slight nerves at sending a reply that supports but doesn't break that building excitement matched with the joy of sharing the experience. Mmm, lovely. It's one of those things that really add to the enjoyment of life.
Not that the Saturday evening got any easier, but I'll leave the story of explaining to friends why Lily was snogging Mina until later! I will mention as a footnote here that in one of the texts I did warn Kami that my kink tends to get darker in winter and received the reply "you don't need to warn, I will welcome the winter gladly! ;)". Where that led is currently, ongoing!
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