a painful awakening - through the looking glass

Some of you who read this blog (and I'm told there is more than just marlowe and I!) have probably also read "a painful awakening" (see links if you haven't - it's well worth a read) and have read EJ's recent post Shamed to tears...

It was fascinating to me to read this posting as the world from Claudia's view was so different from that of Epsilon (I think poor Claudia can be forgiven for getting the name wrong, given the circumstances) that I thought that this might be of interest to some.

Marlowe and I had been in on the plotting and wanted to make this a scene which fitted to Emma Janes's fantasies but we were pretty sure it could be hot for us too. This was going to be a very different role for me as I have a tendency to struggle before submitting - to play the role of the punished or the abused, not the worshipped and revered.

As I got into the car, Marlowe (by then Mr Hawthorne) instructed me very carefully on his expectations of me for the evening. I was to be an example and I was not to let him down. It was made very clear to me that his reputation with HH's character was partially dependent on my behaviour and how I presented. I was reminded that I was Epsilon, one of many slaves and that I didn't merit a name. Should I fail him, I could easily be demoted or replaced.

This filled me with a huge sense of dread. Not only did I potentially fear repercussions of failure, I very strongly felt a sense of responsibility - my behaviour could potentially shame my master which was a horrible thought. It could also earn me loss of my place or status which would be devastating to me.

As we arrived at the house, the door was answered by a tear stained and rumpled slave. I had no idea how to react; was this going to be the expectation of the house? Was this a fair and just response to a naughty slave or a demanding and unjust master who would submit me to similar punishment (neither Marlowe or HH are reknowned for being fair when they get together so both Lily and Epsilon were nervous on that score!)?

My heart in my mouth, I followed the slave into the living room. I knew my role and curled up at my master's feet as expected. The conversation went on over my head as I watched the desolate and bedraggled girl in front of me. What could she have done that was so bad? Could I end up doing the same? Could I end up like her?

As the scene progressed, I was petted and handled by both HH and Marlowe. From the outside this may have looked nurturing and kind but from the inside I was filled with the fear that being placed on a pedastool gave me further to fall. It was also deeply objectifying - as they handled my hair and breasts, I felt like a pekinese or a poodle being stroked and petted. I was afraid to move or show any reaction but was equally afraid that a lack of reaction would be interpreted as ungrateful. All the time, I was conscious of the girl in front of me - a constant reminder that I was simply one slip away from this state. I sat and hoped that I would not be noticed and was filled with panic every time I made a possible mistep - moving to get the master's drink when he hadn't given me permission, shifting position to manage a numb leg from apparently graceful but deeply uncomfortable shoes!

When the time came for the punishment, I was in a heightened state of awareness. From many scenes previous (though not with this character)I was aware of what would constitute obedient behaviour. The punishment was not greatly severe but as I was cold and nervous; it hurt. I am, Marlowe will confirm, someone who needs to turn pain into either wriggling or moaning. I find standing in pose and not making a sound almost impossible but I made it that evening. I had little concern for Claudia by this stage - I simply wanted to make sure that nothing that I did drew the attention away from her and on to me as I simply couldn't bear to end up in the same state as her.

What interests me is that Epsilon would have been grateful to have been ignored or dismissed in the way that so upset Claudia. The pressure of being under the spotlight was almost too much and I was grateful when the scene was called to a close and I had been as expected - the perfect slave.

It also interests me that such different reactions towards Epsilon and Claudia caused similar emotions of objectification and fear. My empathy for her state and my fear that "but for the grace of god go I..." made the process uncomfortable and mortifying. I took no pleasure from the petting, seeing it as a reminder of my place and feeling like I was nothing but an object lesson. This state of care was too fickle to be nurturing or reinforcing in anyway. The objectification was humiliating - Marlowe handed me to HH to stroke and play with like a favoured toy. As he pinched and squeezed my nipples, I strove to make myself a blank canvas and not show the feelings I experienced.

When poor EJ couldn't turn round at the end of the scene, I felt awful - responsible for her humiliation like I had somehow been the cause of it. I was so grateful to get a hug from her and know she didn't hate me (though revenge has now been had.....).