Saturday, 16.05
Shh! I'm hiding!
I've found a small space to tuck myself away from the horror and I think I'm safe for the moment, but no one make a sound!
Oh the horror, the horror.
I am in great danger, and it's not just physical danger - my very soul is at risk if I don't protect myself. I just have to survive for two days and I'll be OK, but two days can seem such an eternity.
Hmm, perhaps I should explain. I'm down doing the Christmas visit to my family! For two days I cannot escape, I must just survive.
OK, there is just a tiny possibility that I may be being overdramatic about this, but seriously it's genuinely a bit of a trial having my adult self thrown back into the relationships, attitudes and environment where a very confused adolescent had to sort out who he was and untangle how he felt about his kink twenty something years ago.
So, I can be adult and reflect on the issues of identity and experience, or I can drop any pretence of rationality and just go on a big stream of consciousness rant in a barbed and bitchy way. Which way do you think this is going?
I'm only going to get to grab ten minutes at a time to write this, so let's see what comes out over an increasingly cloying afternoon in which I am likely to drink whatever is available. If I'm particularly unwise, I'll then post it unedited at the end of the night. Should I apologise now?
They're coming! Signing off!
Saturday - 17.23
Th calm before the storm. Full Christmas meal being prepared, most of family yet to turn up. Hiding for a few minutes and have discovered iPod headphones. Picked some appropriate music for feeling like a rebellious teenager - the sisters of mercy.
So, why do I find this so difficult. I have a broadly supportive, loving family background and yes, I'm fully aware how many people have had to survive far worse. In truth most of my childhood was fine. It diverged from this steadily as I began to evolve my sense of self and finally had to realise that I didn't fit. From a very conventional, evangelically Christian family it gets difficult to discover that either you are going to have to spend your life crushing your real self or break away.
Saturday - late
I've described some of this before, though not here. Kami once asked me what I got out of playing dark scenes. One of the three strands of that answer was a big part of why I became really uncomfortable with the family culture and aesthetic. I'll need to censor that previous answer but let's cut and paste it and censor as needed:
"Well a big part of the answer comes in a hunger for experience and intensity, a dark aesthetic sense which has been with me in differing degrees since my childhood. Some people get by with normal lives and experience, and are quite content. I'm not. I want and need more.
There is a restless need for experience that makes my biggest challenge in day to day life just surviving the bland banality that surrounds us. That cloying web of tedium, social normality and duty that seems completely fulfilling for most but leaves me spiralling into ennui.
This doesn't just fuel my kink side. It's why I have done a lot of the things in my life... Extremes of sensation and emotion have always fascinated me and it's in large part why kink first fascinated me and why I jumped at my first chance to experience it. Arguably a little extreme for 16, I neither hesitated nor regretted anything.
This restless, dark aesthetic is very tied up my kink. It's why negative emotions are interesting to explore, why breathlessly intense kink will always score over vanilla (unless it's really good vanilla, though that then seems to make it automatically kinky in the eyes of most of the world!). Interestingly, I can actually pinpoint the life experience that really brought this aesthetic to the fore, though as I was only eight at the time I think it's safe to say that the sexuality got attached to it later!
This strand is a big part of me, a big part of my kink, though not the dominant part in really heavy scenes, at least not when I'm topping. Remembering the first time, that was interesting because it was the first occasion that I met someone who I knew, instinctively, very early on, shared a similar darkness to my own. Something that a religious upbringing had left me feeling very negative about. "
So, welcome to the bland banality, mixed with the ghosts of years of self doubt and the fear I was some sort of evil corruptor. Phantoms that I still carry around in faint form, to whisper their doubts at moments where I am at my lowest. They are loud tonight, and sleep may be some time in coming.
It's curious how we all learn to adapt, grow and survive but many of us carry scars. Old ghosts of doubt and pain. And all this despite basically loving my life.
Oh well, tomorrow I escape and this will feel like a bad dream. I think I will post this, though I'm not sure. If I do so it will be because this may in future be read by people who hit the same confusion and identify with it with a wry smile. And it may be read by people who are in the middle of that confusion, who I hope would recognise some aspects of my distaste and see that most of my life passes untroubled by this.
Sunday, 18 December 2011
Sunday, 4 December 2011
Hangin' on the telephone
Hmm, not sure how normal this makes my life sound but a couple of months back (also known as about a week before I originally wrote this, but hey, for me that's almost an instant posting!) I was the person on the other end of the phone getting excited and nervous texts from someone on their way to go and scene, then about two days later had exactly the same experience with another friend.
It's something that happens every so often and I suspect that if you are reading this you are rather more likely to have this happen than the general population. In fact, this may well be so normal for you that this seems pointless to reflect on, in which case feel free to leave this posting here. Personally, I may have been involved in kink for...more years than I want to admit to, but for various reasons it is only in the last few years that I've experienced this, and having two occurrences so close to each other really flagged up that it's an interesting and slightly odd situation.
The first of these two occasions was on a classic dull midweek evening, where it was slightly incongruous but a hell of an interesting lift to get a text from someone on their way to play for the evening, nervously sharing the news that their partner had replaced the cane he'd broken on her the last time they played. Its an interesting mix of emotions when you get this sort of thing, particularly as it comes when you are in non kink headspace. There's a bit of entertainment, just hearing that nervous excitement makes you grin. There's a bit of, well actually I'm not sure what the right word is. Arousal? Not quite right the right term as there's definitely a little waking up of erotic interest but it's not really directly sexual. Actually, the relationship between "hot" in a kink sense and sexually arousing could occupy several blog postings and still not find the right words. On top of that there is always a touch of jealousy as that kink bit wakes up and I fancy scening myself, balanced against another feeling that I'm going to struggle to express clearly - a lovely sense of feeling involved, albeit on a peripheral level, with that persons experience, knowing that you are trusted enough to be brought inside that envelope of experience and that you can share in their excitement.
Hmm, probably a bit of a weak description but hopefully it conveys the mixture of emotions to a tolerable degree.
So there I am on a midweek evening and the text turns up from Alice. Well, that breaks across the mundane evening! But then you need to respond appropriately. Sounds easy, but you want to share excitement. To communicate, to contact, to reassure and it's easy to stumble into sounding jealous or like you are just taking the mickey. This is complicated slightly with Alice as we were lovers for several very hot years and could have become a real item had it not been for some rather tangled other relationships for each of us. Keeping contact and working through a heartache back to close friendship was difficult and took us a good few years, but being able to share moments with someone who really knows you and who you are safe to be honest with makes it all worth it.
Maybe that's the defining link in all this that has been wriggling away in the back of my mind as a reason to write this piece. Knowing that you are really safe with someone, and they are safe with you, both in overall friendship and being safe to be honest about kink, because the second occasion, the following Saturday, the texts were from Kami who is someone that Lily and I both feel absolutely and entirely safe with.
This occasion was entertaining when I got the first text from Kami on the train on the way to go scening. Is there something about trains? Alice texted me from the train as well.
Why entertaining? Well, we were out for the evening for a rocky horror show themed party, with a plan to go clubbing later in the evening. The assembled company included a few people who were kinky, several that had scened with us, including Mina and Robert that had also scened with Kami, and a mix of vanillas and semi vanillas. An interesting headspace! We kept a few texts exchanging through the evening, so I got a post scene report as well :)
Yep, that confirms why I wanted to write a posting about this. To explore exactly how those moments feel. The slight nerves at sending a reply that supports but doesn't break that building excitement matched with the joy of sharing the experience. Mmm, lovely. It's one of those things that really add to the enjoyment of life.
Not that the Saturday evening got any easier, but I'll leave the story of explaining to friends why Lily was snogging Mina until later! I will mention as a footnote here that in one of the texts I did warn Kami that my kink tends to get darker in winter and received the reply "you don't need to warn, I will welcome the winter gladly! ;)". Where that led is currently, ongoing!
It's something that happens every so often and I suspect that if you are reading this you are rather more likely to have this happen than the general population. In fact, this may well be so normal for you that this seems pointless to reflect on, in which case feel free to leave this posting here. Personally, I may have been involved in kink for...more years than I want to admit to, but for various reasons it is only in the last few years that I've experienced this, and having two occurrences so close to each other really flagged up that it's an interesting and slightly odd situation.
The first of these two occasions was on a classic dull midweek evening, where it was slightly incongruous but a hell of an interesting lift to get a text from someone on their way to play for the evening, nervously sharing the news that their partner had replaced the cane he'd broken on her the last time they played. Its an interesting mix of emotions when you get this sort of thing, particularly as it comes when you are in non kink headspace. There's a bit of entertainment, just hearing that nervous excitement makes you grin. There's a bit of, well actually I'm not sure what the right word is. Arousal? Not quite right the right term as there's definitely a little waking up of erotic interest but it's not really directly sexual. Actually, the relationship between "hot" in a kink sense and sexually arousing could occupy several blog postings and still not find the right words. On top of that there is always a touch of jealousy as that kink bit wakes up and I fancy scening myself, balanced against another feeling that I'm going to struggle to express clearly - a lovely sense of feeling involved, albeit on a peripheral level, with that persons experience, knowing that you are trusted enough to be brought inside that envelope of experience and that you can share in their excitement.
Hmm, probably a bit of a weak description but hopefully it conveys the mixture of emotions to a tolerable degree.
So there I am on a midweek evening and the text turns up from Alice. Well, that breaks across the mundane evening! But then you need to respond appropriately. Sounds easy, but you want to share excitement. To communicate, to contact, to reassure and it's easy to stumble into sounding jealous or like you are just taking the mickey. This is complicated slightly with Alice as we were lovers for several very hot years and could have become a real item had it not been for some rather tangled other relationships for each of us. Keeping contact and working through a heartache back to close friendship was difficult and took us a good few years, but being able to share moments with someone who really knows you and who you are safe to be honest with makes it all worth it.
Maybe that's the defining link in all this that has been wriggling away in the back of my mind as a reason to write this piece. Knowing that you are really safe with someone, and they are safe with you, both in overall friendship and being safe to be honest about kink, because the second occasion, the following Saturday, the texts were from Kami who is someone that Lily and I both feel absolutely and entirely safe with.
This occasion was entertaining when I got the first text from Kami on the train on the way to go scening. Is there something about trains? Alice texted me from the train as well.
Why entertaining? Well, we were out for the evening for a rocky horror show themed party, with a plan to go clubbing later in the evening. The assembled company included a few people who were kinky, several that had scened with us, including Mina and Robert that had also scened with Kami, and a mix of vanillas and semi vanillas. An interesting headspace! We kept a few texts exchanging through the evening, so I got a post scene report as well :)
Yep, that confirms why I wanted to write a posting about this. To explore exactly how those moments feel. The slight nerves at sending a reply that supports but doesn't break that building excitement matched with the joy of sharing the experience. Mmm, lovely. It's one of those things that really add to the enjoyment of life.
Not that the Saturday evening got any easier, but I'll leave the story of explaining to friends why Lily was snogging Mina until later! I will mention as a footnote here that in one of the texts I did warn Kami that my kink tends to get darker in winter and received the reply "you don't need to warn, I will welcome the winter gladly! ;)". Where that led is currently, ongoing!
Thursday, 24 November 2011
Scenes from the life of a fictional character - part one?
I'm hoping that this doesn't sound too crazy, but given that we really enjoy roleplaying as a good chunk of our kink play, particular characters can develop a real history over time. We have a few like that but if I mention the idea of characters taking on a life of their own, one of Lily's characters shoots immediately to mind.
Charlotte.
We've had a great deal of fun with Charlotte, and she really does have a life of her own. Given that we like to plan kink role playing as "scenario" - some ideas and a starting point to play - rather than "script" where everything is set out, scenes can go in unexpected directions and Charlotte has taken us some interesting places.
Looking through old blog pieces I had written, I came across the first blog post I ever wrote - and didn't post, thus setting up a tradition that lasts to this day. It was actually about the first time we played with HH and Kami. I might post it at some point if anybody's interested in reading it. It never got posted as it was written only shortly before our play with Lyra began and talking about blogging with Lyra led to this blog and it's original focus. Hmm, I digress
Thinking about Charlotte made me think about that post because, though I didn't mention it in that write up, that was where Lily first played her and, as with all really good role play, got really in touch with Charlottes emotions. Charlotte (or "Lottie") came out of that roleplay with a really strong sense of conviction. A conviction that if this was the road to becoming a "good girl", she didn't want to be one. It wasn't so much the spanking that worried her. She found that quite arousing. It was the absolute servitude that she felt herself rebelling against. Instead a girl who felt certain stirrings watching a girl soundly spanked might find other gainful employment where she had rather more control over her own life.
In short, Lottie came out of that scene with a conviction that she wanted to run away from her guardian and become a kinky hooker.
This has led to some very interesting scenes. Anyone interested in hearing a few scenes from her life? I might even tempt Lily into commenting!
Charlotte.
We've had a great deal of fun with Charlotte, and she really does have a life of her own. Given that we like to plan kink role playing as "scenario" - some ideas and a starting point to play - rather than "script" where everything is set out, scenes can go in unexpected directions and Charlotte has taken us some interesting places.
Looking through old blog pieces I had written, I came across the first blog post I ever wrote - and didn't post, thus setting up a tradition that lasts to this day. It was actually about the first time we played with HH and Kami. I might post it at some point if anybody's interested in reading it. It never got posted as it was written only shortly before our play with Lyra began and talking about blogging with Lyra led to this blog and it's original focus. Hmm, I digress
Thinking about Charlotte made me think about that post because, though I didn't mention it in that write up, that was where Lily first played her and, as with all really good role play, got really in touch with Charlottes emotions. Charlotte (or "Lottie") came out of that roleplay with a really strong sense of conviction. A conviction that if this was the road to becoming a "good girl", she didn't want to be one. It wasn't so much the spanking that worried her. She found that quite arousing. It was the absolute servitude that she felt herself rebelling against. Instead a girl who felt certain stirrings watching a girl soundly spanked might find other gainful employment where she had rather more control over her own life.
In short, Lottie came out of that scene with a conviction that she wanted to run away from her guardian and become a kinky hooker.
This has led to some very interesting scenes. Anyone interested in hearing a few scenes from her life? I might even tempt Lily into commenting!
Monday, 21 November 2011
A return
Wow, I am setting out to break the habit of months and write a blog posting - and then actually post it! If this appears on the blog it will be a break from my recent tradition of writing blog postings and then not posting them, though some of those might find their way here over the next few weeks. So, what has led me to this change?
Well, it was simple really. I really enjoyed reading the write up by Kami on her blog of a scene we played last time she came up to see Lily and myself. It left me really wanting to reciprocate, so here I am, sitting in my kitchen and sorting through a vivid kaleidoscope of images and impressions - it was quite a weekend! Kami's post about fridays scene would be difficult to add anything to, though I might write in the future about how a throwaway comment led to it, but there was another scene that really stood out as interesting that weekend.
The image I hold of this scene starting begins with Mina, another close friend and play partner, strapped solidly down to the top of our vaulting horse, handcuffed and me contemplating what to do with her. This may not seem an obvious point for memory to record the start of a scene, unless anyone reading this has minions to do that tedious work of dragging a gorgeous young lady upstairs and strap them down, so let's rewind a couple of steps!
On that Saturday we had a party. "That" sort of party. As opposed to the "not that sort of party" that occasionally get a little bit out of hand at ours. Rewinding another couple of steps, it was following a classic case of a "not that sort of party" getting a little out of hand last new years eve that led to Lily and I having a quiet chat with Mina and her partner Robert about kink. We have had a few memorable evenings since, though not as many as we might have liked with busy lives on both sides. The party had hit quite a light, fun kinky vibe at the point where Mina was kidnapped and dragged upstairs to the playroom, which got a little more hot when she turned around and said "so, what are you going to do with me?" with a bit of challenge in her eyes. About thirty seconds saw her strapped to the top of the vaulting horse at back, thighs and calves and that look in her eyes was really starting to show that mix of challenge and arousal that I just find utterly irresistible. She had a really good struggle against her bonds and found they weren't going anywhere. Handcuffs removed the possibility of freeing herself and so I found myself slightly unexpectedly looking at quite a hot situation. Her hair was cascading down one end of the vaulting horse but meeting her gaze and seeing the arousal in her eyes and that subtle change in breathing left me very clear we were ready to play.
I found myself thinking that this had caught a really interesting buzz but that it had better not go too far without Lily and Robert being OK with it. This ceased being a problem when I looked around and found them both curled up at the other side of the room and eyebrows and gestures quickly conveyed "are you OK with this" from me and "yes, we're enjoying watching" from them.
I can't remember if I asked Kami to join us by voice or gesture (it never ceases to amaze me how much you can communicate with something as simple as a raised eyebrow), just that again there was that flash of collusion and then there were three of us involved in that shared, heightened state that is the heart of getting a scene together. I hope that doesn't come across as too metaphysical, because personally it's a huge component of any really hot scene. A sense of chemistry and shared experience. A heightening of perception and complete focus on the people involved with everyone else fading back into the scenery.
I have seen Kami top before and we have jointly topped Lily on several occasions. She's superb at it, with the right instincts and really good at reading the reactions of a bottom. Interestingly, though she had scened with Mina (& Robert) several times, she's never topped Mina before.
It was so right as a mix. She supported, comforted and shared emotion with Mina while I paddled her - and added to her sensations by doing wicked things to her nipples. After a time I moved to take over at Mina's head and Kami took over the other end with - well actually I'm finding I can't remember if it was a strap or cane. That's always a pretty good sign as it means that my head was in the right place - focussed on the scene and my part which was then the role of comforter, whispering sweet, supportive threats in Mina's ear.
Kami enjoys topping most with a partner who doesn't do the stoic thing, a partner who shows reaction and who you can really generate chemistry with. Mina is a woman who is utterly beautiful to play with as she completely abandons herself to sensation and reaction. A beautiful woman anyway (I should note that she has Lilys favourite set of boobs!), she looks just so hot when she has abandoned all inhibition. That interplay was just wonderful to be a part of. I have no idea how long it took to move from gasps to tears but when they came Mina stayed just as abandoned, sobbing and sobbing as I cradled and stroked her head. It felt like a real catharsis and was intensely powerful to be a part of. Kami slowed but continued, picking up the emotional state and what was needed perfectly, slowing to a stop at a perfect moment to join me in holding, stroking and supporting Mina as the sobs slowed and she lay there exhausted.
We gently unstrapped her and just held her for a time, hugging as she came back to herself and supporting her as her legs trembled and refused to hold her and then closeness of the immediate scene began to fade, the rest of the room came back and there was much hugging and, a little later, quite a lot of adjusting clothing and repairing makeup!
In many ways this scene was a simple one, but the intense emotion and release in it was wonderful. Afterwards, Mina said that it had freed weeks of frustrations from work and allowed them to be purged and released. Hmm, therapeutic spanking is a topic I may pick up in the future.
Later that evening Kami and Mina came together for another type of scene, but I think I will gloss over that one to spare the blushes of the innocent. Hmm, actually that's probably more accurately worded "to spare the blushes of the thoroughly guilty".
Fun though :)
Well, it was simple really. I really enjoyed reading the write up by Kami on her blog of a scene we played last time she came up to see Lily and myself. It left me really wanting to reciprocate, so here I am, sitting in my kitchen and sorting through a vivid kaleidoscope of images and impressions - it was quite a weekend! Kami's post about fridays scene would be difficult to add anything to, though I might write in the future about how a throwaway comment led to it, but there was another scene that really stood out as interesting that weekend.
The image I hold of this scene starting begins with Mina, another close friend and play partner, strapped solidly down to the top of our vaulting horse, handcuffed and me contemplating what to do with her. This may not seem an obvious point for memory to record the start of a scene, unless anyone reading this has minions to do that tedious work of dragging a gorgeous young lady upstairs and strap them down, so let's rewind a couple of steps!
On that Saturday we had a party. "That" sort of party. As opposed to the "not that sort of party" that occasionally get a little bit out of hand at ours. Rewinding another couple of steps, it was following a classic case of a "not that sort of party" getting a little out of hand last new years eve that led to Lily and I having a quiet chat with Mina and her partner Robert about kink. We have had a few memorable evenings since, though not as many as we might have liked with busy lives on both sides. The party had hit quite a light, fun kinky vibe at the point where Mina was kidnapped and dragged upstairs to the playroom, which got a little more hot when she turned around and said "so, what are you going to do with me?" with a bit of challenge in her eyes. About thirty seconds saw her strapped to the top of the vaulting horse at back, thighs and calves and that look in her eyes was really starting to show that mix of challenge and arousal that I just find utterly irresistible. She had a really good struggle against her bonds and found they weren't going anywhere. Handcuffs removed the possibility of freeing herself and so I found myself slightly unexpectedly looking at quite a hot situation. Her hair was cascading down one end of the vaulting horse but meeting her gaze and seeing the arousal in her eyes and that subtle change in breathing left me very clear we were ready to play.
I found myself thinking that this had caught a really interesting buzz but that it had better not go too far without Lily and Robert being OK with it. This ceased being a problem when I looked around and found them both curled up at the other side of the room and eyebrows and gestures quickly conveyed "are you OK with this" from me and "yes, we're enjoying watching" from them.
I can't remember if I asked Kami to join us by voice or gesture (it never ceases to amaze me how much you can communicate with something as simple as a raised eyebrow), just that again there was that flash of collusion and then there were three of us involved in that shared, heightened state that is the heart of getting a scene together. I hope that doesn't come across as too metaphysical, because personally it's a huge component of any really hot scene. A sense of chemistry and shared experience. A heightening of perception and complete focus on the people involved with everyone else fading back into the scenery.
I have seen Kami top before and we have jointly topped Lily on several occasions. She's superb at it, with the right instincts and really good at reading the reactions of a bottom. Interestingly, though she had scened with Mina (& Robert) several times, she's never topped Mina before.
It was so right as a mix. She supported, comforted and shared emotion with Mina while I paddled her - and added to her sensations by doing wicked things to her nipples. After a time I moved to take over at Mina's head and Kami took over the other end with - well actually I'm finding I can't remember if it was a strap or cane. That's always a pretty good sign as it means that my head was in the right place - focussed on the scene and my part which was then the role of comforter, whispering sweet, supportive threats in Mina's ear.
Kami enjoys topping most with a partner who doesn't do the stoic thing, a partner who shows reaction and who you can really generate chemistry with. Mina is a woman who is utterly beautiful to play with as she completely abandons herself to sensation and reaction. A beautiful woman anyway (I should note that she has Lilys favourite set of boobs!), she looks just so hot when she has abandoned all inhibition. That interplay was just wonderful to be a part of. I have no idea how long it took to move from gasps to tears but when they came Mina stayed just as abandoned, sobbing and sobbing as I cradled and stroked her head. It felt like a real catharsis and was intensely powerful to be a part of. Kami slowed but continued, picking up the emotional state and what was needed perfectly, slowing to a stop at a perfect moment to join me in holding, stroking and supporting Mina as the sobs slowed and she lay there exhausted.
We gently unstrapped her and just held her for a time, hugging as she came back to herself and supporting her as her legs trembled and refused to hold her and then closeness of the immediate scene began to fade, the rest of the room came back and there was much hugging and, a little later, quite a lot of adjusting clothing and repairing makeup!
In many ways this scene was a simple one, but the intense emotion and release in it was wonderful. Afterwards, Mina said that it had freed weeks of frustrations from work and allowed them to be purged and released. Hmm, therapeutic spanking is a topic I may pick up in the future.
Later that evening Kami and Mina came together for another type of scene, but I think I will gloss over that one to spare the blushes of the innocent. Hmm, actually that's probably more accurately worded "to spare the blushes of the thoroughly guilty".
Fun though :)
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
Ladies and gentlemen – choose your masks!
I was almost tempted to write a third perspective on the scenario described by Emma Jane and Lily. As there are already two interesting accounts it felt like overkill, but there was an aspect that I found quite interesting. EJ later commented in conversation that she was surprised (pleasantly surprised I think and hope!) that I'd been able to put on such a cold and demeaning persona for the scene. This was interesting as I really enjoy roleplay and, as she had been able to communicate really clearly the experience and headspace she was exploring, I had taken some care to build a persona that fitted what she wanted out of the scene and then really enjoyed letting myself just inhabit that character and play out the scene.
I'm quite a big fan of roleplaying. I've never been entirely convinced that roleplaying allows you to put on another personality but it certainly allows you to magnify and explore aspects of your own and shut other parts up into a small cupboard and lock them away for a while. Pretty much anyone interesting will have enough of a mess of contradictions in their make-up to give a huge field to be explored and I have certainly been able to inhabit radically different aspects of my personality and see the world from very different viewpoints.
Back in my teens I was rather more of a switch, (though by the time I got to 18, I was already quite predominantly dominant) and in bottoming you can absolutely lose yourself in a character. In fact, to do so can be an almost ecstatic pleasure.
Topping always adds a note of limitation to becoming a character. I've mentioned this before but it bears repeating that as a top you always have to leave a safe, rational part of you in control. Given that its easy to find persona's that are interesting but not, in any objective sense, safe then this means a degree of compromise. This is why I really enjoy scenarios where I'm clear of what the other peoples likes and wants are – if you can inhabit a persona that fits, then you can get closer to just living that role for a while, and that is a very interesting place to be.
I'd be interested on comment on this. After all, it means that I find it harder to answer the question “what are you into” and there are plenty of people who appear to view topping as about enjoying enforcing a certain set of behaviours on their bottoms/subs/whatever label you wish to use.
Don't get me wrong, I'm enough of a spanko that I need no excuse to enjoy beating someone's bottom. It may be uncomfortable to mention it, but whilst I very much enjoy giving pleasure when scening, there is that little dark shard in my soul that just enjoys the raw, atavistic urge toward power and inflicting pain. I suspect I share that awareness with most tops who have had the courage to look at what drives them! Lets be honest, pretty much anyone is physically capable of inflicting more pain than anyone can stand, so any sadistic urges have to be put into some sort of balance (well, either that or the criminal justice system!).
Personally, I don't find it difficult to channel that urge. It's weaker than the urge to look after and nurture partners and the competing drives meet a comfortable balance in topping kinky folks in a way that fits their needs – hence what I'm into varying a lot based on circumstance, “chemistry” and partner. That balance does need quite a lot of experience, care and so forth so while I always enjoy scening where my partner/s have enjoyed the experience, it is possible for that to feel a bit like the pleasure of facilitating anothers enjoyment.
Which is why I so enjoy roleplaying on the occasions that needs and boundaries are sufficiently clear that the with the right role I can pretty much just flow into it.
Can I give some examples?
Do I hear a cry of “No, we don't want to wallow in some filthy kink reminiscence!”?
Hmm, didn't think so.
OK, there are three occasions that immediately spring to mind as examples of very different roles that were really interesting to play (and that I'm prepared to share!). One of them was very recent and with some new play partners who I haven't yet asked how they feel about me blogging, so I'll drop that one (though I may come back to it – it was an absolutely delicious scene) and relate the others, both of which were a few months back.
Roleplay one – In an interesting subversion of roles Lily and I set up a roleplay where her character was a naughty schoolgirl who had been found by her housemaster to have cheated on a final exam. Yawn, sounds absolutely formulaic doesn't it? What made it interesting was setting the roles up a little unusually, with a rather bumbling and good natured housemaster who may have had some desires for putting a naughty girl over his knees but because of nervousness and a sense of honour had never used corporal punishment at all, meeting a rather corrupt schoolgirl that enjoyed kink, quite fancied getting some, and, when she found out that her cheating had been discovered, was absolutely sure she was going to need something good to break this teachers sense of honour and get him to cover up for her.
This was fascinating to play. I don't think I've ever played a character while topping that was as nervous as this one, but I was determined to let Belle (the schoolgirl) know that I had found out her disgraceful cheating and that I was going to have to tell the headmaster and exam board!
I think Lily really got into an interesting headspace on her part as she pretended bitter remorse, manipulated me into spanking her and then letting all control go as I caned and then fucked her, leaving her to gloat over her now complete control of the situation. It was really interesting to be in the headspace of quite a timid character who was cutting loose in an absolutely unrestrained way. Him cutting loose was still quite tame by some of our standards but it was a fascinating set of emotions to go through.
Different. Powerful. Interesting.
I don't think I'd want to play that character all that often but it was a very interesting experience.
Roleplay two – in a continuation of the ongoing saga of one of Lilys roleplaying characters, Charlotte, we had set up quite an intense scene to be played when Lily was in the right mood for it. The scene involved her character (who without giving you the extensive life history, had turned to becoming a kinky prostitute) being confronted by a local vice squad officer who during an investigation had found explicit photographs of Charlotte (which had come from an earlier scene we had played).
This was always going to be quite a dark scene, high on humiliation, coercion and punishment. I was quite clear what Lily was expecting and we left it to her to prompt this scene being used at a point that she was in the right mood to go somewhere deep and dark and relish the journey.
This one really wasn't going to work for her if it was a stern but nurturing character. This one was clearly going to require a character that was a real bastard. We clearly had some time to get ideas straight, so I let it percolate around my consciousness for a few days and what came out was a Policeman with a real old testament religious fervour to him. Someone who would be disgusted by what Charlotte had become, who would make the experience as embarrassing as possible and who would give her the option of taking punishment instead of prosecution because he would feel that physical punishment was “better for her”. Add a dash of frustrated perve so that he would guiltily enjoy the experience and I had my man. I then put him to one side until needed.
Several weeks later I got a text mid afternoon at work. “Message to DI King from ***** Police Station. We have intercepted a credit card transaction for Miss Charlotte Brigham as requested. She appears to be hiring a dungeon in the ***** area for the weekend. Let us know if you need back up if you are planning to make an arrest”.
To be honest my first response was actually confusion. It had been a couple of weeks and I was in work mode but after a few moments it all clicked into place and put a smile on my face. On my way home I had to pull off of the road for a few minutes, think over my character, let his history and world view flow over me, then set off again as DI King.
Knocking on the front door produced a rather sluttily dressed young lady who was surprised to find a stranger rather than her evening appointment on the doorstep. From there it just flowed beautifully. DI King was not going to go further than I knew Lily wanted to go so I just let that persona go fairly unfettered, just that little guardian in my head keeping an eye on things.
Making Charlotte view every picture, confirm that it was her and making her explain what she was doing was fascinating. Apparently, I had the light of religious zeal in my eyes and it was plain that I was looking on her as a deviant fallen woman. Making her comment on the photos of bondage and spanking.
Then the offer – arrest or ... other means of retribution. It's interesting that Lily reported this as a really intense pivotal moment for her, knowing that this Policeman was going to make her pay for her sins but equally aware of how much it would constrain her characters freedom if she did not.
Then a very dark and intense scene, punishment, tears and … other things.
Again, this isn't a head space that I'd want to inhabit all that often but a fascinating experience.
Again – Different. Powerful. Intense.
Maybe thats why I like roleplaying with interesting kink scening. In different ways it can throw you into fascinating and pleasurable experiences. I thoroughly recommend it!
Ladies and Gentlemen – please choose your masks, and feel free to change them as often as you like.
Monday, 21 March 2011
a painful awakening - through the looking glass
Some of you who read this blog (and I'm told there is more than just marlowe and I!) have probably also read "a painful awakening" (see links if you haven't - it's well worth a read) and have read EJ's recent post Shamed to tears...
It was fascinating to me to read this posting as the world from Claudia's view was so different from that of Epsilon (I think poor Claudia can be forgiven for getting the name wrong, given the circumstances) that I thought that this might be of interest to some.
Marlowe and I had been in on the plotting and wanted to make this a scene which fitted to Emma Janes's fantasies but we were pretty sure it could be hot for us too. This was going to be a very different role for me as I have a tendency to struggle before submitting - to play the role of the punished or the abused, not the worshipped and revered.
As I got into the car, Marlowe (by then Mr Hawthorne) instructed me very carefully on his expectations of me for the evening. I was to be an example and I was not to let him down. It was made very clear to me that his reputation with HH's character was partially dependent on my behaviour and how I presented. I was reminded that I was Epsilon, one of many slaves and that I didn't merit a name. Should I fail him, I could easily be demoted or replaced.
This filled me with a huge sense of dread. Not only did I potentially fear repercussions of failure, I very strongly felt a sense of responsibility - my behaviour could potentially shame my master which was a horrible thought. It could also earn me loss of my place or status which would be devastating to me.
As we arrived at the house, the door was answered by a tear stained and rumpled slave. I had no idea how to react; was this going to be the expectation of the house? Was this a fair and just response to a naughty slave or a demanding and unjust master who would submit me to similar punishment (neither Marlowe or HH are reknowned for being fair when they get together so both Lily and Epsilon were nervous on that score!)?
My heart in my mouth, I followed the slave into the living room. I knew my role and curled up at my master's feet as expected. The conversation went on over my head as I watched the desolate and bedraggled girl in front of me. What could she have done that was so bad? Could I end up doing the same? Could I end up like her?
As the scene progressed, I was petted and handled by both HH and Marlowe. From the outside this may have looked nurturing and kind but from the inside I was filled with the fear that being placed on a pedastool gave me further to fall. It was also deeply objectifying - as they handled my hair and breasts, I felt like a pekinese or a poodle being stroked and petted. I was afraid to move or show any reaction but was equally afraid that a lack of reaction would be interpreted as ungrateful. All the time, I was conscious of the girl in front of me - a constant reminder that I was simply one slip away from this state. I sat and hoped that I would not be noticed and was filled with panic every time I made a possible mistep - moving to get the master's drink when he hadn't given me permission, shifting position to manage a numb leg from apparently graceful but deeply uncomfortable shoes!
When the time came for the punishment, I was in a heightened state of awareness. From many scenes previous (though not with this character)I was aware of what would constitute obedient behaviour. The punishment was not greatly severe but as I was cold and nervous; it hurt. I am, Marlowe will confirm, someone who needs to turn pain into either wriggling or moaning. I find standing in pose and not making a sound almost impossible but I made it that evening. I had little concern for Claudia by this stage - I simply wanted to make sure that nothing that I did drew the attention away from her and on to me as I simply couldn't bear to end up in the same state as her.
What interests me is that Epsilon would have been grateful to have been ignored or dismissed in the way that so upset Claudia. The pressure of being under the spotlight was almost too much and I was grateful when the scene was called to a close and I had been as expected - the perfect slave.
It also interests me that such different reactions towards Epsilon and Claudia caused similar emotions of objectification and fear. My empathy for her state and my fear that "but for the grace of god go I..." made the process uncomfortable and mortifying. I took no pleasure from the petting, seeing it as a reminder of my place and feeling like I was nothing but an object lesson. This state of care was too fickle to be nurturing or reinforcing in anyway. The objectification was humiliating - Marlowe handed me to HH to stroke and play with like a favoured toy. As he pinched and squeezed my nipples, I strove to make myself a blank canvas and not show the feelings I experienced.
When poor EJ couldn't turn round at the end of the scene, I felt awful - responsible for her humiliation like I had somehow been the cause of it. I was so grateful to get a hug from her and know she didn't hate me (though revenge has now been had.....).
It was fascinating to me to read this posting as the world from Claudia's view was so different from that of Epsilon (I think poor Claudia can be forgiven for getting the name wrong, given the circumstances) that I thought that this might be of interest to some.
Marlowe and I had been in on the plotting and wanted to make this a scene which fitted to Emma Janes's fantasies but we were pretty sure it could be hot for us too. This was going to be a very different role for me as I have a tendency to struggle before submitting - to play the role of the punished or the abused, not the worshipped and revered.
As I got into the car, Marlowe (by then Mr Hawthorne) instructed me very carefully on his expectations of me for the evening. I was to be an example and I was not to let him down. It was made very clear to me that his reputation with HH's character was partially dependent on my behaviour and how I presented. I was reminded that I was Epsilon, one of many slaves and that I didn't merit a name. Should I fail him, I could easily be demoted or replaced.
This filled me with a huge sense of dread. Not only did I potentially fear repercussions of failure, I very strongly felt a sense of responsibility - my behaviour could potentially shame my master which was a horrible thought. It could also earn me loss of my place or status which would be devastating to me.
As we arrived at the house, the door was answered by a tear stained and rumpled slave. I had no idea how to react; was this going to be the expectation of the house? Was this a fair and just response to a naughty slave or a demanding and unjust master who would submit me to similar punishment (neither Marlowe or HH are reknowned for being fair when they get together so both Lily and Epsilon were nervous on that score!)?
My heart in my mouth, I followed the slave into the living room. I knew my role and curled up at my master's feet as expected. The conversation went on over my head as I watched the desolate and bedraggled girl in front of me. What could she have done that was so bad? Could I end up doing the same? Could I end up like her?
As the scene progressed, I was petted and handled by both HH and Marlowe. From the outside this may have looked nurturing and kind but from the inside I was filled with the fear that being placed on a pedastool gave me further to fall. It was also deeply objectifying - as they handled my hair and breasts, I felt like a pekinese or a poodle being stroked and petted. I was afraid to move or show any reaction but was equally afraid that a lack of reaction would be interpreted as ungrateful. All the time, I was conscious of the girl in front of me - a constant reminder that I was simply one slip away from this state. I sat and hoped that I would not be noticed and was filled with panic every time I made a possible mistep - moving to get the master's drink when he hadn't given me permission, shifting position to manage a numb leg from apparently graceful but deeply uncomfortable shoes!
When the time came for the punishment, I was in a heightened state of awareness. From many scenes previous (though not with this character)I was aware of what would constitute obedient behaviour. The punishment was not greatly severe but as I was cold and nervous; it hurt. I am, Marlowe will confirm, someone who needs to turn pain into either wriggling or moaning. I find standing in pose and not making a sound almost impossible but I made it that evening. I had little concern for Claudia by this stage - I simply wanted to make sure that nothing that I did drew the attention away from her and on to me as I simply couldn't bear to end up in the same state as her.
What interests me is that Epsilon would have been grateful to have been ignored or dismissed in the way that so upset Claudia. The pressure of being under the spotlight was almost too much and I was grateful when the scene was called to a close and I had been as expected - the perfect slave.
It also interests me that such different reactions towards Epsilon and Claudia caused similar emotions of objectification and fear. My empathy for her state and my fear that "but for the grace of god go I..." made the process uncomfortable and mortifying. I took no pleasure from the petting, seeing it as a reminder of my place and feeling like I was nothing but an object lesson. This state of care was too fickle to be nurturing or reinforcing in anyway. The objectification was humiliating - Marlowe handed me to HH to stroke and play with like a favoured toy. As he pinched and squeezed my nipples, I strove to make myself a blank canvas and not show the feelings I experienced.
When poor EJ couldn't turn round at the end of the scene, I felt awful - responsible for her humiliation like I had somehow been the cause of it. I was so grateful to get a hug from her and know she didn't hate me (though revenge has now been had.....).
Friday, 18 March 2011
the queen of clubs
Last night, for the first time in a really long time (even longer than the last time I contributed to this blog!), Marlowe and I went to a fet club. We used to enjoy clubbing, travelling to various different clubs around the country on a fairly regular basis. For us it was always a prompt to play - an excuse to dress up and a reminder that there was more to life than work. However, with having less local opportunities to club and having more friends to play with, we have played in other ways much more of late.
Last night was the opening night of a local club run by two really lovely people who we have known for a while. We went along with two good friends to have a look at the place and see what the night was like. The club itself had a good vibe with a nice layout and equipment and lovely friendly people. Most importantly to us, there was lots and lots of play space and a friendly audience to satisfy my inner exhibitionist.
Marlowe was in a deeply sensuous mood and started playing with a mixture of gentle hand spanks and flogging over the skirt. Alternating this with strokes and teasing took me to a floaty head space early on and I found myself disappearing into myself, unaware of the crowd. He very quickly moved into using a ruler (ann summers came up trumps with a surprisingly effective and cheap wooden ruler) and a paddle as warm up tools and soon my poor bottom was pink and warm all over. Although we hadn't pre discussed any kind of roles or head space, I very quickly slipped into a submissive and obedient head space, instantly obeying and calling him sir. The first time you use the term sir to marlowe, it brings out his inner dom and he becomes increasingly demanding and stern. He pulled me up from the horse by the root of my hair and instructed me to stand by the radiator and watch the other scenes going on, whispering in my ear and stroking my reddened arse as we waited.
Marlowe borrowed a cane from our friend and was flexing it to find how it handled. The nervousness cut through the slightly floaty and obedient head space and I couldn't stop myself from nervouslly giggling. Before I was even really aware, he pulled me up by the root of my hair and bent me over the horse, giving me six firm strokes with the cane to teach me respect.
After a break for a drink, I was returned to the horse for a proper caning (apparently these six didn't count) and made to count out the next two dozen. As he is a kind soul, Marlowe invited two of our friends to hold my hands and comfort me as he caned me firmly. To be honest, this was of little comfort and I found my comfort deep within myself as each stroke laid a line of fire across me. After a dozen strokes, I began to float higher and higher and by two dozen my legs were about to give in. I think Marlowe had intended to continue but realised I was probably going to fall over if he did so I escaped, floating high on endorphins and adrenalin.
I've often felt that straight sensation play and play in clubs gets a bad press - that people talk of not being able to get into a head space and not being able to play as deeply. Nights like last night remind me that with the right atmosphere, the right audience and the right top (I'm lucky, I admit), I can sink into myself in a way that is intensified by people and by the fact that there is only pain - no role to hide behind.
I think we'll go back next month.
Last night was the opening night of a local club run by two really lovely people who we have known for a while. We went along with two good friends to have a look at the place and see what the night was like. The club itself had a good vibe with a nice layout and equipment and lovely friendly people. Most importantly to us, there was lots and lots of play space and a friendly audience to satisfy my inner exhibitionist.
Marlowe was in a deeply sensuous mood and started playing with a mixture of gentle hand spanks and flogging over the skirt. Alternating this with strokes and teasing took me to a floaty head space early on and I found myself disappearing into myself, unaware of the crowd. He very quickly moved into using a ruler (ann summers came up trumps with a surprisingly effective and cheap wooden ruler) and a paddle as warm up tools and soon my poor bottom was pink and warm all over. Although we hadn't pre discussed any kind of roles or head space, I very quickly slipped into a submissive and obedient head space, instantly obeying and calling him sir. The first time you use the term sir to marlowe, it brings out his inner dom and he becomes increasingly demanding and stern. He pulled me up from the horse by the root of my hair and instructed me to stand by the radiator and watch the other scenes going on, whispering in my ear and stroking my reddened arse as we waited.
Marlowe borrowed a cane from our friend and was flexing it to find how it handled. The nervousness cut through the slightly floaty and obedient head space and I couldn't stop myself from nervouslly giggling. Before I was even really aware, he pulled me up by the root of my hair and bent me over the horse, giving me six firm strokes with the cane to teach me respect.
After a break for a drink, I was returned to the horse for a proper caning (apparently these six didn't count) and made to count out the next two dozen. As he is a kind soul, Marlowe invited two of our friends to hold my hands and comfort me as he caned me firmly. To be honest, this was of little comfort and I found my comfort deep within myself as each stroke laid a line of fire across me. After a dozen strokes, I began to float higher and higher and by two dozen my legs were about to give in. I think Marlowe had intended to continue but realised I was probably going to fall over if he did so I escaped, floating high on endorphins and adrenalin.
I've often felt that straight sensation play and play in clubs gets a bad press - that people talk of not being able to get into a head space and not being able to play as deeply. Nights like last night remind me that with the right atmosphere, the right audience and the right top (I'm lucky, I admit), I can sink into myself in a way that is intensified by people and by the fact that there is only pain - no role to hide behind.
I think we'll go back next month.
Thursday, 17 March 2011
A statement of intent
My goodness - how long is it since I posted?
It's not through lack of things to write - I've recently talked with friends about how useful it is to blog as a means of reflection and my kink life has been really busy. So why have I been putting this off?
The simplest answer is probably that I've been really busy with other things. Life gets in the way really quickly between work and other interests. I guess there comes a limit to energy and creativity. Thats the simplest answer but it's not the only one. I have been genuinely unsure how much to use this blog since Lyra moved on. This is a bit silly as when I've talked to her about it she seems fine with it progressing, but part of me has been loath to do things like re-writing the blurb at the top of the home page and I've had a bit of a block on what to do with other pieces I had written about our relationship. There are some bits that I have wanted to post as they're quite powerful but not wanted to seem - well, it feels a bit wrong to be posting things about a past assignation.
I puzzled on this one for a while and I think I have resolved not to just post them, but to draw on them freely when blogging on themes where they fit.
The other thing that gets in the way is that sense of being overwhelmed and wanting to write so many things that I can't find the time for any of them. This is a perrenial problem for me and one that is an occasional major hinderance in personal correspondence. In emails my classic problem is where someone sends me an email that makes me want to respond on many points. I then put off replying until I have time to do so thoroughly, realise that its been a bit of a long pause and feel it needs an extra thorough response to make up for it and then never get round to replying.
Hopeless huh?
SO - If I accept that anything prior to christmas is dead and gone and give myself a "to do" list for the next month or so then I will set out to blog about:
There - as the title says, a statement of intent!
It's not through lack of things to write - I've recently talked with friends about how useful it is to blog as a means of reflection and my kink life has been really busy. So why have I been putting this off?
The simplest answer is probably that I've been really busy with other things. Life gets in the way really quickly between work and other interests. I guess there comes a limit to energy and creativity. Thats the simplest answer but it's not the only one. I have been genuinely unsure how much to use this blog since Lyra moved on. This is a bit silly as when I've talked to her about it she seems fine with it progressing, but part of me has been loath to do things like re-writing the blurb at the top of the home page and I've had a bit of a block on what to do with other pieces I had written about our relationship. There are some bits that I have wanted to post as they're quite powerful but not wanted to seem - well, it feels a bit wrong to be posting things about a past assignation.
I puzzled on this one for a while and I think I have resolved not to just post them, but to draw on them freely when blogging on themes where they fit.
The other thing that gets in the way is that sense of being overwhelmed and wanting to write so many things that I can't find the time for any of them. This is a perrenial problem for me and one that is an occasional major hinderance in personal correspondence. In emails my classic problem is where someone sends me an email that makes me want to respond on many points. I then put off replying until I have time to do so thoroughly, realise that its been a bit of a long pause and feel it needs an extra thorough response to make up for it and then never get round to replying.
Hopeless huh?
SO - If I accept that anything prior to christmas is dead and gone and give myself a "to do" list for the next month or so then I will set out to blog about:
- Our christmas party and the fine tensions between those that know about your involvement in Kink, those that know a bit, and those that know nothing. This will almost certainly use the phrase "it's not that kind of party"
- Explore different kinds of scening, in particular looking at the use of nurture in fairly heavy scenes. This isn't something that always fits but does seem to be quite a natural part of my approach to topping much of the time.
- Role playing and the division between the person and the role (recently had a few interesting points here.
- Document some really good times and the addition of a new couple to our kink acquaintance.
There - as the title says, a statement of intent!
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