Ladies and gentlemen – choose your masks!

I was almost tempted to write a third perspective on the scenario described by Emma Jane and Lily. As there are already two interesting accounts it felt like overkill, but there was an aspect that I found quite interesting. EJ later commented in conversation that she was surprised (pleasantly surprised I think and hope!) that I'd been able to put on such a cold and demeaning persona for the scene. This was interesting as I really enjoy roleplay and, as she had been able to communicate really clearly the experience and headspace she was exploring, I had taken some care to build a persona that fitted what she wanted out of the scene and then really enjoyed letting myself just inhabit that character and play out the scene.  


I'm quite a big fan of roleplaying. I've never been entirely convinced that roleplaying allows you to put on another personality but it certainly allows you to magnify and explore aspects of your own and shut other parts up into a small cupboard and lock them away for a while. Pretty much anyone interesting will have enough of a mess of contradictions in their make-up to give a huge field to be explored and I have certainly been able to inhabit radically different aspects of my personality and see the world from very different viewpoints.


Back in my teens I was rather more of a switch, (though by the time I got to 18, I was already quite predominantly dominant) and in bottoming you can absolutely lose yourself in a character. In fact, to do so can be an almost ecstatic pleasure.


Topping always adds a note of limitation to becoming a character. I've mentioned this before but it bears repeating that as a top you always have to leave a safe, rational part of you in control. Given that its easy to find persona's that are interesting but not, in any objective sense, safe then this means a degree of compromise. This is why I really enjoy scenarios where I'm clear of what the other peoples likes and wants are – if you can inhabit a persona that fits, then you can get closer to just living that role for a while, and that is a very interesting place to be.


I'd be interested on comment on this. After all, it means that I find it harder to answer the question “what are you into” and there are plenty of people who appear to view topping as about enjoying enforcing a certain set of behaviours on their bottoms/subs/whatever label you wish to use.


Don't get me wrong, I'm enough of a spanko that I need no excuse to enjoy beating someone's bottom. It may be uncomfortable to mention it, but whilst I very much enjoy giving pleasure when scening, there is that little dark shard in my soul that just enjoys the raw, atavistic urge toward power and inflicting pain. I suspect I share that awareness with most tops who have had the courage to look at what drives them! Lets be honest, pretty much anyone is physically capable of inflicting more pain than anyone can stand, so any sadistic urges have to be put into some sort of balance (well, either that or the criminal justice system!).


Personally, I don't find it difficult to channel that urge. It's weaker than the urge to look after and nurture partners and the competing drives meet a comfortable balance in topping kinky folks in a way that fits their needs – hence what I'm into varying a lot based on circumstance, “chemistry” and partner. That balance does need quite a lot of experience, care and so forth so while I always enjoy scening where my partner/s have enjoyed the experience, it is possible for that to feel a bit like the pleasure of facilitating anothers enjoyment.


Which is why I so enjoy roleplaying on the occasions that needs and boundaries are sufficiently clear that the with the right role I can pretty much just flow into it.


Can I give some examples?


Do I hear a cry of “No, we don't want to wallow in some filthy kink reminiscence!”?


Hmm, didn't think so.


OK, there are three occasions that immediately spring to mind as examples of very different roles that were really interesting to play (and that I'm prepared to share!). One of them was very recent and with some new play partners who I haven't yet asked how they feel about me blogging, so I'll drop that one (though I may come back to it – it was an absolutely delicious scene) and relate the others, both of which were a few months back.


Roleplay one – In an interesting subversion of roles Lily and I set up a roleplay where her character was a naughty schoolgirl who had been found by her housemaster to have cheated on a final exam. Yawn, sounds absolutely formulaic doesn't it? What made it interesting was setting the roles up a little unusually, with a rather bumbling and good natured housemaster who may have had some desires for putting a naughty girl over his knees but because of nervousness and a sense of honour had never used corporal punishment at all, meeting a rather corrupt schoolgirl that enjoyed kink, quite fancied getting some, and, when she found out that her cheating had been discovered, was absolutely sure she was going to need something good to break this teachers sense of honour and get him to cover up for her.


This was fascinating to play. I don't think I've ever played a character while topping that was as nervous as this one, but I was determined to let Belle (the schoolgirl) know that I had found out her disgraceful cheating and that I was going to have to tell the headmaster and exam board!


I think Lily really got into an interesting headspace on her part as she pretended bitter remorse, manipulated me into spanking her and then letting all control go as I caned and then fucked her, leaving her to gloat over her now complete control of the situation. It was really interesting to be in the headspace of quite a timid character who was cutting loose in an absolutely unrestrained way. Him cutting loose was still quite tame by some of our standards but it was a fascinating set of emotions to go through.


Different. Powerful. Interesting.


I don't think I'd want to play that character all that often but it was a very interesting experience.


Roleplay two – in a continuation of the ongoing saga of one of Lilys roleplaying characters, Charlotte, we had set up quite an intense scene to be played when Lily was in the right mood for it. The scene involved her character (who without giving you the extensive life history, had turned to becoming a kinky prostitute) being confronted by a local vice squad officer who during an investigation had found explicit photographs of Charlotte (which had come from an earlier scene we had played).


This was always going to be quite a dark scene, high on humiliation, coercion and punishment. I was quite clear what Lily was expecting and we left it to her to prompt this scene being used at a point that she was in the right mood to go somewhere deep and dark and relish the journey.


This one really wasn't going to work for her if it was a stern but nurturing character. This one was clearly going to require a character that was a real bastard. We clearly had some time to get ideas straight, so I let it percolate around my consciousness for a few days and what came out was a Policeman with a real old testament religious fervour to him. Someone who would be disgusted by what Charlotte had become, who would make the experience as embarrassing as possible and who would give her the option of taking punishment instead of prosecution because he would feel that physical punishment was “better for her”. Add a dash of frustrated perve so that he would guiltily enjoy the experience and I had my man. I then put him to one side until needed.


Several weeks later I got a text mid afternoon at work. “Message to DI King from ***** Police Station. We have intercepted a credit card transaction for Miss Charlotte Brigham as requested. She appears to be hiring a dungeon in the ***** area for the weekend. Let us know if you need back up if you are planning to make an arrest”.


To be honest my first response was actually confusion. It had been a couple of weeks and I was in work mode but after a few moments it all clicked into place and put a smile on my face. On my way home I had to pull off of the road for a few minutes, think over my character, let his history and world view flow over me, then set off again as DI King.


Knocking on the front door produced a rather sluttily dressed young lady who was surprised to find a stranger rather than her evening appointment on the doorstep. From there it just flowed beautifully. DI King was not going to go further than I knew Lily wanted to go so I just let that persona go fairly unfettered, just that little guardian in my head keeping an eye on things.


Making Charlotte view every picture, confirm that it was her and making her explain what she was doing was fascinating. Apparently, I had the light of religious zeal in my eyes and it was plain that I was looking on her as a deviant fallen woman. Making her comment on the photos of bondage and spanking.


Then the offer – arrest or ... other means of retribution. It's interesting that Lily reported this as a really intense pivotal moment for her, knowing that this Policeman was going to make her pay for her sins but equally aware of how much it would constrain her characters freedom if she did not.
 Then a very dark and intense scene, punishment, tears and … other things.
 Again, this isn't a head space that I'd want to inhabit all that often but a fascinating experience.


Again – Different. Powerful. Intense.


Maybe thats why I like roleplaying with interesting kink scening. In different ways it can throw you into fascinating and pleasurable experiences. I thoroughly recommend it!


Ladies and Gentlemen – please choose your masks, and feel free to change them as often as you like.

a painful awakening - through the looking glass

Some of you who read this blog (and I'm told there is more than just marlowe and I!) have probably also read "a painful awakening" (see links if you haven't - it's well worth a read) and have read EJ's recent post Shamed to tears...

It was fascinating to me to read this posting as the world from Claudia's view was so different from that of Epsilon (I think poor Claudia can be forgiven for getting the name wrong, given the circumstances) that I thought that this might be of interest to some.

Marlowe and I had been in on the plotting and wanted to make this a scene which fitted to Emma Janes's fantasies but we were pretty sure it could be hot for us too. This was going to be a very different role for me as I have a tendency to struggle before submitting - to play the role of the punished or the abused, not the worshipped and revered.

As I got into the car, Marlowe (by then Mr Hawthorne) instructed me very carefully on his expectations of me for the evening. I was to be an example and I was not to let him down. It was made very clear to me that his reputation with HH's character was partially dependent on my behaviour and how I presented. I was reminded that I was Epsilon, one of many slaves and that I didn't merit a name. Should I fail him, I could easily be demoted or replaced.

This filled me with a huge sense of dread. Not only did I potentially fear repercussions of failure, I very strongly felt a sense of responsibility - my behaviour could potentially shame my master which was a horrible thought. It could also earn me loss of my place or status which would be devastating to me.

As we arrived at the house, the door was answered by a tear stained and rumpled slave. I had no idea how to react; was this going to be the expectation of the house? Was this a fair and just response to a naughty slave or a demanding and unjust master who would submit me to similar punishment (neither Marlowe or HH are reknowned for being fair when they get together so both Lily and Epsilon were nervous on that score!)?

My heart in my mouth, I followed the slave into the living room. I knew my role and curled up at my master's feet as expected. The conversation went on over my head as I watched the desolate and bedraggled girl in front of me. What could she have done that was so bad? Could I end up doing the same? Could I end up like her?

As the scene progressed, I was petted and handled by both HH and Marlowe. From the outside this may have looked nurturing and kind but from the inside I was filled with the fear that being placed on a pedastool gave me further to fall. It was also deeply objectifying - as they handled my hair and breasts, I felt like a pekinese or a poodle being stroked and petted. I was afraid to move or show any reaction but was equally afraid that a lack of reaction would be interpreted as ungrateful. All the time, I was conscious of the girl in front of me - a constant reminder that I was simply one slip away from this state. I sat and hoped that I would not be noticed and was filled with panic every time I made a possible mistep - moving to get the master's drink when he hadn't given me permission, shifting position to manage a numb leg from apparently graceful but deeply uncomfortable shoes!

When the time came for the punishment, I was in a heightened state of awareness. From many scenes previous (though not with this character)I was aware of what would constitute obedient behaviour. The punishment was not greatly severe but as I was cold and nervous; it hurt. I am, Marlowe will confirm, someone who needs to turn pain into either wriggling or moaning. I find standing in pose and not making a sound almost impossible but I made it that evening. I had little concern for Claudia by this stage - I simply wanted to make sure that nothing that I did drew the attention away from her and on to me as I simply couldn't bear to end up in the same state as her.

What interests me is that Epsilon would have been grateful to have been ignored or dismissed in the way that so upset Claudia. The pressure of being under the spotlight was almost too much and I was grateful when the scene was called to a close and I had been as expected - the perfect slave.

It also interests me that such different reactions towards Epsilon and Claudia caused similar emotions of objectification and fear. My empathy for her state and my fear that "but for the grace of god go I..." made the process uncomfortable and mortifying. I took no pleasure from the petting, seeing it as a reminder of my place and feeling like I was nothing but an object lesson. This state of care was too fickle to be nurturing or reinforcing in anyway. The objectification was humiliating - Marlowe handed me to HH to stroke and play with like a favoured toy. As he pinched and squeezed my nipples, I strove to make myself a blank canvas and not show the feelings I experienced.

When poor EJ couldn't turn round at the end of the scene, I felt awful - responsible for her humiliation like I had somehow been the cause of it. I was so grateful to get a hug from her and know she didn't hate me (though revenge has now been had.....).

the queen of clubs

Last night, for the first time in a really long time (even longer than the last time I contributed to this blog!), Marlowe and I went to a fet club. We used to enjoy clubbing, travelling to various different clubs around the country on a fairly regular basis. For us it was always a prompt to play - an excuse to dress up and a reminder that there was more to life than work. However, with having less local opportunities to club and having more friends to play with, we have played in other ways much more of late.

Last night was the opening night of a local club run by two really lovely people who we have known for a while. We went along with two good friends to have a look at the place and see what the night was like. The club itself had a good vibe with a nice layout and equipment and lovely friendly people. Most importantly to us, there was lots and lots of play space and a friendly audience to satisfy my inner exhibitionist.

Marlowe was in a deeply sensuous mood and started playing with a mixture of gentle hand spanks and flogging over the skirt. Alternating this with strokes and teasing took me to a floaty head space early on and I found myself disappearing into myself, unaware of the crowd. He very quickly moved into using a ruler (ann summers came up trumps with a surprisingly effective and cheap wooden ruler) and a paddle as warm up tools and soon my poor bottom was pink and warm all over. Although we hadn't pre discussed any kind of roles or head space, I very quickly slipped into a submissive and obedient head space, instantly obeying and calling him sir. The first time you use the term sir to marlowe, it brings out his inner dom and he becomes increasingly demanding and stern. He pulled me up from the horse by the root of my hair and instructed me to stand by the radiator and watch the other scenes going on, whispering in my ear and stroking my reddened arse as we waited.

Marlowe borrowed a cane from our friend and was flexing it to find how it handled. The nervousness cut through the slightly floaty and obedient head space and I couldn't stop myself from nervouslly giggling. Before I was even really aware, he pulled me up by the root of my hair and bent me over the horse, giving me six firm strokes with the cane to teach me respect.

After a break for a drink, I was returned to the horse for a proper caning (apparently these six didn't count) and made to count out the next two dozen. As he is a kind soul, Marlowe invited two of our friends to hold my hands and comfort me as he caned me firmly. To be honest, this was of little comfort and I found my comfort deep within myself as each stroke laid a line of fire across me. After a dozen strokes, I began to float higher and higher and by two dozen my legs were about to give in. I think Marlowe had intended to continue but realised I was probably going to fall over if he did so I escaped, floating high on endorphins and adrenalin.

I've often felt that straight sensation play and play in clubs gets a bad press - that people talk of not being able to get into a head space and not being able to play as deeply. Nights like last night remind me that with the right atmosphere, the right audience and the right top (I'm lucky, I admit), I can sink into myself in a way that is intensified by people and by the fact that there is only pain - no role to hide behind.

I think we'll go back next month.

A statement of intent

My goodness - how long is it since I posted?

It's not through lack of things to write - I've recently talked with friends about how useful it is to blog as a means of reflection and my kink life has been really busy. So why have I been putting this off?

The simplest answer is probably that I've been really busy with other things. Life gets in the way really quickly between work and other interests. I guess there comes a limit to energy and creativity. Thats the simplest answer but it's not the only one. I have been genuinely unsure how much to use this blog since Lyra moved on. This is a bit silly as when I've talked to her about it she seems fine with it progressing, but part of me has been loath to do things like re-writing the blurb at the top of the home page and I've had a bit of a block on what to do with other pieces I had written about our relationship. There are some bits that I have wanted to post as they're quite powerful but not wanted to seem - well, it feels a bit wrong to be posting things about a past assignation.

I puzzled on this one for a while and I think I have resolved not to just post them, but to draw on them freely when blogging on themes where they fit.

The other thing that gets in the way is that sense of being overwhelmed and wanting to write so many things that I can't find the time for any of them. This is a perrenial problem for me and one that is an occasional major hinderance in personal correspondence. In emails my classic problem is where someone sends me an email that makes me want to respond on many points. I then put off replying until I have time to do so thoroughly, realise that its been a bit of a long pause and feel it needs an extra thorough response to make up for it and then never get round to replying.

Hopeless huh?

SO - If I accept that anything prior to christmas is dead and gone and give myself a "to do" list for the next month or so then I will set out to blog about:

• Our christmas party and the fine tensions between those that know about your involvement in Kink, those that know a bit, and those that know nothing. This will almost certainly use the phrase "it's not that kind of party"
• Explore different kinds of scening, in particular looking at the use of nurture in fairly heavy scenes. This isn't something that always fits but does seem to be quite a natural part of my approach to topping much of the time.
• Role playing and the division between the person and the role (recently had a few interesting points here.
• Document some really good times and the addition of a new couple to our kink acquaintance.

There are a few other bits that could make it to that list but I think I'll go for keeping it simple and actually post the damn thing!

There - as the title says, a statement of intent!