paul mckenna eat your heart out

Marlowe and I this weekend had a lot of fun with something we have only played with before - erotic hypnosis.

I have always been a sceptic and was somewhat convinced that I could never be hypnotised but actually our first few attempts at playing with this just to see if I could be hypnotised had surprised me by their effectiveness. It is a very strange experience - you are at once entirely in control of your body and entirely out of control. I am aware of all that is happening and know that I could pull myself out of the trance and refuse if I was asked to do something that was really abhorrent to me. However, I find my body reacting to instruction with my conscious mind playing "catch up" and more than once I have persuaded myself I was just going along with things in order to explain why I suddenly found myself with my arm in the air for no apparent reason.

We decided to use hypnosis to enhance a role play scenario that we had already been playing around with - Mary, a catholic schoolgirl who, although trying to be good, always seemed to mess up. Marlowe took me down into my subconscious in a trance like state and asked me to look into a mirror and see Mary there. I was able to observe and describe her like she was actually there - like she was a person independent of me. Marlowe then instructed me to step into the mirror and become Mary.

Instantly, there was a shift in body language, attitude and thoughts. It was noticeable to me and apparently very notable to Marlowe. This first attempt at role play was just used to introduce me to Mary but, to see if the character could be altered, Marlowe proceeded to talk me (Mary at that time) through some instructions to see if I could become aroused. At the peak of this, he instructed me to leave the mirror and return to me, Lily. The arousal disappeared instantly and I had no connection to my previous body state. This was a very strange experience.

On a second attempt, I went into Mary as before and stayed as Mary for an entire scene (a relatively short one as we wanted to see how well this would work). Father Brown was pushing Mary for being caught masturbating (a cliche but it works....). What was odd for me was that I behaved completely differently to normal during the punishment scene. I was desperate to please Father Brown and was mortified when I did not take a stroke well. I worked very very hard to stay still and silent and accept my punishment like a good girl (something I'm not reknowned for - I usually have to either wriggle or squinny or sometimes both). I was also desperate to receive every last stroke, and firmly at that, as I wanted to correct my mistake and learn to be better. There was no begging, pleading, or attempts at managing the situation. I was getting what I deserved.

A different punishment experience lead to a completely different outcome for me. The experience actually tapped into something within me and released a whole load of emotion that I wasn't aware of. Father Brown had been incredibly nurturing of Mary and had helped her to learn what she had done wrong but showed her he still loved her. I think this really tapped into some of my own childhood emotions of feeling like I was doing something wrong but not really knowing what - Mary received what I never had, a sense of loving correction and acceptance that I was trying my best and that I was only human. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing that I had been spanked more as a child (though maybe.....), it is simply that Father Brown provided nurturance and forgiveness for a lost and guilty girl - Mary had obviously represented aspects of my subconscious and the caring and loving she received was more than welcomed by my inner child. A bit over analytical maybe, but all I know is I felt lighter and more at peace that night than I had in a while. And, while I'm not unfamiliar with using punishment as a release for current emotion, it had previously not been able to reach deep enough into me to release past emotion. Hypnosis had allowed me to go deeper into myself and my emotions.

I can't wait to explore all the other personalities in there and see what kink and hypnosis does for them - I visualised a whole hall of mirrors, all with different names and different faces. It could be a busy winter...

a happy ending

I have missed you too Lyra, as I am know has Marlowe. Hearing from you again has been wonderful - to know that you have no regrets, to know that you enjoyed it all as much as us and, most of all, to hear that you are happy.

We were always sad to let Lyra go but so excited at the prospect of her finding a potential for love in a way that Marlowe and I shared it that this sadness was always overwhelmed by excitement and hope for her. I knew it would be time limited and in many ways I think that was best for me. As Lyra commented, I had a lot to process in entering into my first polyamorous relationship (I have gotten over a lot of hang ups along the way, look I can even use the words....) and I think I got so lost in overthinking some bits that I missed some of the fun by worrying about what was going to happen afterwards.

I don't think I got at the time how much I was dealing with and how fast it was all coming at me. Because our relationship felt so natural, I entered into many of the experiences with abandon. The cost of this was having a lot to deal with, often the next day, particularly as I have a massive tendency to overanalyse. The relationship left me needing to redefine my sexual identity, explore my feelings towards Marlowe and his feelings towards me. It left me having to think about what love meant to me and whether I ever wanted to engage in a polyamorous relationship again.

The conclusions to all this thought? Actually the experience had changed very little for me other than arriving at one vital conclusion. Marlowe and I both have a great potential to love and we can both love others without it damaging our relationship - indeed our relationship has been closer and stronger than ever after our relationship with Lyra. I have come to the conclusion that this was a wonderful, loving, fabulous experience and I only wish I had stopped looking at my navel as much and enjoyed every second a little more (hindsight is a wonderful thing). And would I do it again? In a heartbeat.

I never saw Lyra as the other woman interestingly (I think she worries almost as badly as me - maybe that's why we got on so well) and I never feared what I thought I might fear in that situation; that Marlowe would leave me for Lyra. If anything, the more irritating problem was that I almost felt I should worry about it - that there was something wrong with me and my relationship with Marlowe that meant I didn't worry about it! I am aware though that my frequent need to stop and figure out what was going on for me meant that I could on occasions be withdrawn or distant in a way that may have been stressful for both Lyra and Marlowe. I hope that this wasn't too badly the source of Lyra's worry.

Overall, I have only one regret - that I didn't throw myself into the experience with more passion and more singlemindedness from the beginning.

Ah well, I will next time.

Thank you Lyra, for teaching me how to love in a broader and more wholehearted way than I ever thought possible. I miss you too and I look forward to rebuilding a friendship and hopefully to building a friendship with your new love.

A Different Path

Everything is a bit different to the last time I posted, we're no longer in a partnership and I've had very little communication with Marlowe or Lily over the summer. Not out of any hard feelings or for any particular reason but I've been away for the best part of 6 weeks and hardly spoken to anyone. I'm rubbish at staying in touch, I never know what to say.

I wanted to take this chance to reflect on our relationship though. At the time when everything started, it felt so natural and so flowing that the intimacy was amazing. I had so much that I wanted to explore and I'd found the most amazing couple in the most comfortable relationship to explore with. I couldn't have asked for better. Marlowe is a very dominant man with enough experience to make me feel fearful but safe at the same time and Lily is so wonderfully empathic that she really knew how to progress and how to comfort me through my first experiences.

I think the problem came outside of the intimate side of the relationship. I can honestly say that I loved both Marlowe and Lily but at the same time I had a keen awareness that they had a much closer tie to each other than either could ever have with me. They make wonderful life partners and I was always worried about coming between them or feeling more for one than the other or upsetting the balance in any way.

I was always worried about Lily.. I could see the appeal for Marlowe but Lily has never been with a woman and the dynamics of the relationship were such that I could still be seen as the "other woman" intruding on her husband. I'm not sure whether she ever felt like that or whether it's just my mind putting thoughts in other people's heads but it was always a concern at the back of my mind. A woman can forgive sex but never love.

As for what happened to mark the end of the relationship (sorry Marlowe, I used the R word) well, nothing really between the three of us but something bloomed between me and an old friend. It made me realise that whilst I was happy in the relative freedom of the three-way relationship, eventually I would want someone all to myself and I think Marlowe and Lily deserve that too. I'm lucky enough now to say that my partner is still my best friend but I'm discovering a new side of him.. a kinky side that I never imagined could have existed (and now I know more of what I like and have a good idea of my limits!) As for Lily and Marlowe, I hope that we'll continue to stay friends and that they'll continue to act as wonderful role models to show what a loving, trusting and long-lasting (yes, and kinky!) relationship looks like. I don't know what the future holds for any of us but I'm hoping it'll be long, happy, kinky and with amazing friends around to show us the way when we get lost. I've missed my friends this summer.