Marlowe and I have been experimenting more with hypnosis. It appears I have gone from a sceptic to an ardent enthusiast!
Last night we went fetish clubbing with a group of friends. We decided to try out the hypnosis under more challenging situations so snuck off to a quiet corner and used a trance state to bring out Charlotte, the prostitute met in an earlier blog post.
To say I was sceptical that it would work was an understatement. I was in a loud and busy setting, with a range of people who would be addressing me as Lily, who wouldn't know what was going on, and who certainly wouldn't know how to react if they did. I am pleased to say I was well and truly wrong.
Marlowe talked Charlotte into taking over for a while as an escort hired to accompany him to the club. She stepped into my body and I genuinally took a back seat. It's hard to describe the sensation. I was still there but metaphorically sat back having a cup of tea whilst she interacted with the world. The best description I can give of the sensation is entering so much into role in a role play that you intuitively act as your character without being aware that you have made the choice to.
Apparently Charlotte walks, talks and acts differently to Lily. I was later described as feline and a little hard faced by the friends I was with whilst there as Charlotte. Charlotte apparently is more of an exhibitionist than me and was happy to freely strip down in a club - something I might do under a great deal of persuasion but certainly not willingly. Charlotte also liked to be spanked - to the degree that she repeatedly asked Marlowe to return to spanking her even when he had stopped (not very Lily - esque). I think the best moment of realising how much I had created Charlotte as a real entity was when I found Lily and her having a conversation whilst I had nipped to the loo. Quite bizarre but fascinating and strangely liberating.
I am finding it difficult to not sound like a bit of a loon as I write this - there is something about talking to yourself in the third person that makes you feel a little loopy - but Charlotte was to all intents and purposes a real person with her own dislikes and likes (including apparently a different taste in drinks from Lily). Discovering these aspects of me and these different personas is becoming a fascinating journey into my subconscious - I only wish I had the words to be able to describe it more effectively.
Saturday, 2 October 2010
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
paul mckenna eat your heart out
Marlowe and I this weekend had a lot of fun with something we have only played with before - erotic hypnosis.
I have always been a sceptic and was somewhat convinced that I could never be hypnotised but actually our first few attempts at playing with this just to see if I could be hypnotised had surprised me by their effectiveness. It is a very strange experience - you are at once entirely in control of your body and entirely out of control. I am aware of all that is happening and know that I could pull myself out of the trance and refuse if I was asked to do something that was really abhorrent to me. However, I find my body reacting to instruction with my conscious mind playing "catch up" and more than once I have persuaded myself I was just going along with things in order to explain why I suddenly found myself with my arm in the air for no apparent reason.
We decided to use hypnosis to enhance a role play scenario that we had already been playing around with - Mary, a catholic schoolgirl who, although trying to be good, always seemed to mess up. Marlowe took me down into my subconscious in a trance like state and asked me to look into a mirror and see Mary there. I was able to observe and describe her like she was actually there - like she was a person independent of me. Marlowe then instructed me to step into the mirror and become Mary.
Instantly, there was a shift in body language, attitude and thoughts. It was noticeable to me and apparently very notable to Marlowe. This first attempt at role play was just used to introduce me to Mary but, to see if the character could be altered, Marlowe proceeded to talk me (Mary at that time) through some instructions to see if I could become aroused. At the peak of this, he instructed me to leave the mirror and return to me, Lily. The arousal disappeared instantly and I had no connection to my previous body state. This was a very strange experience.
On a second attempt, I went into Mary as before and stayed as Mary for an entire scene (a relatively short one as we wanted to see how well this would work). Father Brown was pushing Mary for being caught masturbating (a cliche but it works....). What was odd for me was that I behaved completely differently to normal during the punishment scene. I was desperate to please Father Brown and was mortified when I did not take a stroke well. I worked very very hard to stay still and silent and accept my punishment like a good girl (something I'm not reknowned for - I usually have to either wriggle or squinny or sometimes both). I was also desperate to receive every last stroke, and firmly at that, as I wanted to correct my mistake and learn to be better. There was no begging, pleading, or attempts at managing the situation. I was getting what I deserved.
A different punishment experience lead to a completely different outcome for me. The experience actually tapped into something within me and released a whole load of emotion that I wasn't aware of. Father Brown had been incredibly nurturing of Mary and had helped her to learn what she had done wrong but showed her he still loved her. I think this really tapped into some of my own childhood emotions of feeling like I was doing something wrong but not really knowing what - Mary received what I never had, a sense of loving correction and acceptance that I was trying my best and that I was only human. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing that I had been spanked more as a child (though maybe.....), it is simply that Father Brown provided nurturance and forgiveness for a lost and guilty girl - Mary had obviously represented aspects of my subconscious and the caring and loving she received was more than welcomed by my inner child. A bit over analytical maybe, but all I know is I felt lighter and more at peace that night than I had in a while. And, while I'm not unfamiliar with using punishment as a release for current emotion, it had previously not been able to reach deep enough into me to release past emotion. Hypnosis had allowed me to go deeper into myself and my emotions.
I can't wait to explore all the other personalities in there and see what kink and hypnosis does for them - I visualised a whole hall of mirrors, all with different names and different faces. It could be a busy winter...
I have always been a sceptic and was somewhat convinced that I could never be hypnotised but actually our first few attempts at playing with this just to see if I could be hypnotised had surprised me by their effectiveness. It is a very strange experience - you are at once entirely in control of your body and entirely out of control. I am aware of all that is happening and know that I could pull myself out of the trance and refuse if I was asked to do something that was really abhorrent to me. However, I find my body reacting to instruction with my conscious mind playing "catch up" and more than once I have persuaded myself I was just going along with things in order to explain why I suddenly found myself with my arm in the air for no apparent reason.
We decided to use hypnosis to enhance a role play scenario that we had already been playing around with - Mary, a catholic schoolgirl who, although trying to be good, always seemed to mess up. Marlowe took me down into my subconscious in a trance like state and asked me to look into a mirror and see Mary there. I was able to observe and describe her like she was actually there - like she was a person independent of me. Marlowe then instructed me to step into the mirror and become Mary.
Instantly, there was a shift in body language, attitude and thoughts. It was noticeable to me and apparently very notable to Marlowe. This first attempt at role play was just used to introduce me to Mary but, to see if the character could be altered, Marlowe proceeded to talk me (Mary at that time) through some instructions to see if I could become aroused. At the peak of this, he instructed me to leave the mirror and return to me, Lily. The arousal disappeared instantly and I had no connection to my previous body state. This was a very strange experience.
On a second attempt, I went into Mary as before and stayed as Mary for an entire scene (a relatively short one as we wanted to see how well this would work). Father Brown was pushing Mary for being caught masturbating (a cliche but it works....). What was odd for me was that I behaved completely differently to normal during the punishment scene. I was desperate to please Father Brown and was mortified when I did not take a stroke well. I worked very very hard to stay still and silent and accept my punishment like a good girl (something I'm not reknowned for - I usually have to either wriggle or squinny or sometimes both). I was also desperate to receive every last stroke, and firmly at that, as I wanted to correct my mistake and learn to be better. There was no begging, pleading, or attempts at managing the situation. I was getting what I deserved.
A different punishment experience lead to a completely different outcome for me. The experience actually tapped into something within me and released a whole load of emotion that I wasn't aware of. Father Brown had been incredibly nurturing of Mary and had helped her to learn what she had done wrong but showed her he still loved her. I think this really tapped into some of my own childhood emotions of feeling like I was doing something wrong but not really knowing what - Mary received what I never had, a sense of loving correction and acceptance that I was trying my best and that I was only human. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing that I had been spanked more as a child (though maybe.....), it is simply that Father Brown provided nurturance and forgiveness for a lost and guilty girl - Mary had obviously represented aspects of my subconscious and the caring and loving she received was more than welcomed by my inner child. A bit over analytical maybe, but all I know is I felt lighter and more at peace that night than I had in a while. And, while I'm not unfamiliar with using punishment as a release for current emotion, it had previously not been able to reach deep enough into me to release past emotion. Hypnosis had allowed me to go deeper into myself and my emotions.
I can't wait to explore all the other personalities in there and see what kink and hypnosis does for them - I visualised a whole hall of mirrors, all with different names and different faces. It could be a busy winter...
Saturday, 18 September 2010
a happy ending
I have missed you too Lyra, as I am know has Marlowe. Hearing from you again has been wonderful - to know that you have no regrets, to know that you enjoyed it all as much as us and, most of all, to hear that you are happy.
We were always sad to let Lyra go but so excited at the prospect of her finding a potential for love in a way that Marlowe and I shared it that this sadness was always overwhelmed by excitement and hope for her. I knew it would be time limited and in many ways I think that was best for me. As Lyra commented, I had a lot to process in entering into my first polyamorous relationship (I have gotten over a lot of hang ups along the way, look I can even use the words....) and I think I got so lost in overthinking some bits that I missed some of the fun by worrying about what was going to happen afterwards.
I don't think I got at the time how much I was dealing with and how fast it was all coming at me. Because our relationship felt so natural, I entered into many of the experiences with abandon. The cost of this was having a lot to deal with, often the next day, particularly as I have a massive tendency to overanalyse. The relationship left me needing to redefine my sexual identity, explore my feelings towards Marlowe and his feelings towards me. It left me having to think about what love meant to me and whether I ever wanted to engage in a polyamorous relationship again.
The conclusions to all this thought? Actually the experience had changed very little for me other than arriving at one vital conclusion. Marlowe and I both have a great potential to love and we can both love others without it damaging our relationship - indeed our relationship has been closer and stronger than ever after our relationship with Lyra. I have come to the conclusion that this was a wonderful, loving, fabulous experience and I only wish I had stopped looking at my navel as much and enjoyed every second a little more (hindsight is a wonderful thing). And would I do it again? In a heartbeat.
I never saw Lyra as the other woman interestingly (I think she worries almost as badly as me - maybe that's why we got on so well) and I never feared what I thought I might fear in that situation; that Marlowe would leave me for Lyra. If anything, the more irritating problem was that I almost felt I should worry about it - that there was something wrong with me and my relationship with Marlowe that meant I didn't worry about it! I am aware though that my frequent need to stop and figure out what was going on for me meant that I could on occasions be withdrawn or distant in a way that may have been stressful for both Lyra and Marlowe. I hope that this wasn't too badly the source of Lyra's worry.
Overall, I have only one regret - that I didn't throw myself into the experience with more passion and more singlemindedness from the beginning.
Ah well, I will next time.
Thank you Lyra, for teaching me how to love in a broader and more wholehearted way than I ever thought possible. I miss you too and I look forward to rebuilding a friendship and hopefully to building a friendship with your new love.
We were always sad to let Lyra go but so excited at the prospect of her finding a potential for love in a way that Marlowe and I shared it that this sadness was always overwhelmed by excitement and hope for her. I knew it would be time limited and in many ways I think that was best for me. As Lyra commented, I had a lot to process in entering into my first polyamorous relationship (I have gotten over a lot of hang ups along the way, look I can even use the words....) and I think I got so lost in overthinking some bits that I missed some of the fun by worrying about what was going to happen afterwards.
I don't think I got at the time how much I was dealing with and how fast it was all coming at me. Because our relationship felt so natural, I entered into many of the experiences with abandon. The cost of this was having a lot to deal with, often the next day, particularly as I have a massive tendency to overanalyse. The relationship left me needing to redefine my sexual identity, explore my feelings towards Marlowe and his feelings towards me. It left me having to think about what love meant to me and whether I ever wanted to engage in a polyamorous relationship again.
The conclusions to all this thought? Actually the experience had changed very little for me other than arriving at one vital conclusion. Marlowe and I both have a great potential to love and we can both love others without it damaging our relationship - indeed our relationship has been closer and stronger than ever after our relationship with Lyra. I have come to the conclusion that this was a wonderful, loving, fabulous experience and I only wish I had stopped looking at my navel as much and enjoyed every second a little more (hindsight is a wonderful thing). And would I do it again? In a heartbeat.
I never saw Lyra as the other woman interestingly (I think she worries almost as badly as me - maybe that's why we got on so well) and I never feared what I thought I might fear in that situation; that Marlowe would leave me for Lyra. If anything, the more irritating problem was that I almost felt I should worry about it - that there was something wrong with me and my relationship with Marlowe that meant I didn't worry about it! I am aware though that my frequent need to stop and figure out what was going on for me meant that I could on occasions be withdrawn or distant in a way that may have been stressful for both Lyra and Marlowe. I hope that this wasn't too badly the source of Lyra's worry.
Overall, I have only one regret - that I didn't throw myself into the experience with more passion and more singlemindedness from the beginning.
Ah well, I will next time.
Thank you Lyra, for teaching me how to love in a broader and more wholehearted way than I ever thought possible. I miss you too and I look forward to rebuilding a friendship and hopefully to building a friendship with your new love.
Sunday, 5 September 2010
A Different Path
Everything is a bit different to the last time I posted, we're no longer in a partnership and I've had very little communication with Marlowe or Lily over the summer. Not out of any hard feelings or for any particular reason but I've been away for the best part of 6 weeks and hardly spoken to anyone. I'm rubbish at staying in touch, I never know what to say.
I wanted to take this chance to reflect on our relationship though. At the time when everything started, it felt so natural and so flowing that the intimacy was amazing. I had so much that I wanted to explore and I'd found the most amazing couple in the most comfortable relationship to explore with. I couldn't have asked for better. Marlowe is a very dominant man with enough experience to make me feel fearful but safe at the same time and Lily is so wonderfully empathic that she really knew how to progress and how to comfort me through my first experiences.
I think the problem came outside of the intimate side of the relationship. I can honestly say that I loved both Marlowe and Lily but at the same time I had a keen awareness that they had a much closer tie to each other than either could ever have with me. They make wonderful life partners and I was always worried about coming between them or feeling more for one than the other or upsetting the balance in any way.
I was always worried about Lily.. I could see the appeal for Marlowe but Lily has never been with a woman and the dynamics of the relationship were such that I could still be seen as the "other woman" intruding on her husband. I'm not sure whether she ever felt like that or whether it's just my mind putting thoughts in other people's heads but it was always a concern at the back of my mind. A woman can forgive sex but never love.
As for what happened to mark the end of the relationship (sorry Marlowe, I used the R word) well, nothing really between the three of us but something bloomed between me and an old friend. It made me realise that whilst I was happy in the relative freedom of the three-way relationship, eventually I would want someone all to myself and I think Marlowe and Lily deserve that too. I'm lucky enough now to say that my partner is still my best friend but I'm discovering a new side of him.. a kinky side that I never imagined could have existed (and now I know more of what I like and have a good idea of my limits!) As for Lily and Marlowe, I hope that we'll continue to stay friends and that they'll continue to act as wonderful role models to show what a loving, trusting and long-lasting (yes, and kinky!) relationship looks like. I don't know what the future holds for any of us but I'm hoping it'll be long, happy, kinky and with amazing friends around to show us the way when we get lost. I've missed my friends this summer.
I wanted to take this chance to reflect on our relationship though. At the time when everything started, it felt so natural and so flowing that the intimacy was amazing. I had so much that I wanted to explore and I'd found the most amazing couple in the most comfortable relationship to explore with. I couldn't have asked for better. Marlowe is a very dominant man with enough experience to make me feel fearful but safe at the same time and Lily is so wonderfully empathic that she really knew how to progress and how to comfort me through my first experiences.
I think the problem came outside of the intimate side of the relationship. I can honestly say that I loved both Marlowe and Lily but at the same time I had a keen awareness that they had a much closer tie to each other than either could ever have with me. They make wonderful life partners and I was always worried about coming between them or feeling more for one than the other or upsetting the balance in any way.
I was always worried about Lily.. I could see the appeal for Marlowe but Lily has never been with a woman and the dynamics of the relationship were such that I could still be seen as the "other woman" intruding on her husband. I'm not sure whether she ever felt like that or whether it's just my mind putting thoughts in other people's heads but it was always a concern at the back of my mind. A woman can forgive sex but never love.
As for what happened to mark the end of the relationship (sorry Marlowe, I used the R word) well, nothing really between the three of us but something bloomed between me and an old friend. It made me realise that whilst I was happy in the relative freedom of the three-way relationship, eventually I would want someone all to myself and I think Marlowe and Lily deserve that too. I'm lucky enough now to say that my partner is still my best friend but I'm discovering a new side of him.. a kinky side that I never imagined could have existed (and now I know more of what I like and have a good idea of my limits!) As for Lily and Marlowe, I hope that we'll continue to stay friends and that they'll continue to act as wonderful role models to show what a loving, trusting and long-lasting (yes, and kinky!) relationship looks like. I don't know what the future holds for any of us but I'm hoping it'll be long, happy, kinky and with amazing friends around to show us the way when we get lost. I've missed my friends this summer.
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
The art of balancing
Whilst Lyra was still with us, I had jotted down several posts which I wanted some time to reflect on and which I wanted to post in an appropriate sequence. Having happened upon one of these earlier today, I decided that despite our relationship no longer occurring, the sentiments within this would be useful to me in the future and hopefully to other readers so please indulge me in this retrospective posting:
A few weeks in, I find myself struggling with a particular quandary. On one hand, both Marlowe and I wish to spend time with Lyra. As well as enjoying the sexual exploration, we are having a great deal of fun getting to know one another better and spending relaxation time together.
On the other hand, we have all of the normal day to day living things to do – house upkeep, gardening, shopping – all of the things we struggle to do during the week as we both work quite long hours.
This leads to a third problem. At the moment, there is a real risk that Marlowe and I only have time together when doing tedious chores; that all the “fun” is located in the time with Lyra. It reminds me a little of children spending time with their divorced parents – mum makes them do their homework whilst dad takes them to alton towers on a weekend. There is a real risk that Marlowe and I are “no fun anymore” on our own.....
In many ways, I enjoy the domestic times as they underline the strength of our relationship and our commitment to life together. However, Marlowe and I had a very active social and sexual life before we met Lyra which we now struggle to find time for. The main worry for me is that when Lyra moves on (she is such a wonderful loving person that we expect her to be loved by many and at some point fall in love for herself) which, while hopefully no time soon, will happen; will Marlowe and I have lost the ability to have fun?
After clubbing together this weekend, it has made me realise that we do need to prioritise some fun time together. However, I also want to spend lots of time with Lyra and introduce her to all of the wondrous things out there. Oh, and I do want my house to be liveable in. I suppose I really should carry on working as well.
Anyone have a time machine we can borrow?
A few weeks in, I find myself struggling with a particular quandary. On one hand, both Marlowe and I wish to spend time with Lyra. As well as enjoying the sexual exploration, we are having a great deal of fun getting to know one another better and spending relaxation time together.
On the other hand, we have all of the normal day to day living things to do – house upkeep, gardening, shopping – all of the things we struggle to do during the week as we both work quite long hours.
This leads to a third problem. At the moment, there is a real risk that Marlowe and I only have time together when doing tedious chores; that all the “fun” is located in the time with Lyra. It reminds me a little of children spending time with their divorced parents – mum makes them do their homework whilst dad takes them to alton towers on a weekend. There is a real risk that Marlowe and I are “no fun anymore” on our own.....
In many ways, I enjoy the domestic times as they underline the strength of our relationship and our commitment to life together. However, Marlowe and I had a very active social and sexual life before we met Lyra which we now struggle to find time for. The main worry for me is that when Lyra moves on (she is such a wonderful loving person that we expect her to be loved by many and at some point fall in love for herself) which, while hopefully no time soon, will happen; will Marlowe and I have lost the ability to have fun?
After clubbing together this weekend, it has made me realise that we do need to prioritise some fun time together. However, I also want to spend lots of time with Lyra and introduce her to all of the wondrous things out there. Oh, and I do want my house to be liveable in. I suppose I really should carry on working as well.
Anyone have a time machine we can borrow?
Sunday, 1 August 2010
a deviation about a deviation
With all that has been happening for us over the past few weeks, I feel that my thoughts and feelings have been somewhat heavy. I have also, as marlowe commented, been experiencing much greater loss at the end of our relationship with Lyra than I expected.
I have however found the silver lining of polyamourous break - ups; consolation sex with someone who loves you and who knows your body intimately.
Needing to lose ourselves a bit, we took the advice of some fabulous friends and got into some role play.
I have always been a bit twitchy about role play as I have always been a bit squeamish about plotting and planning sex and play (probably back to my inherent britishness again). However, Marlowe and I sat down in a fit of over enthuasiasm and created a player character list of 10 scenarios, complete with costumes and names.
Obviously given that we have to do dull things like work, we have not quite made it through all of our scenarios - particularly as we have got stuck on a couple which have been great fun to explore.
Last week, I let C out of the box. A young girl who has decided to abandon her plan to marry well for the somewhat easier life of getting laid well and for money, C is setting up in business catering for a suitable sort of gentleman. Getting business up and running is a challenge, so she thought a website with decent photographs would help - enter from stage left J, a photographer who is reknowned for getting the best from his models. C has very little money, so an agreement with J that she would pay him in kind suited her just fine.
This seemed quite a simple scenario but it was much hotter and much dirtier than either of us envisaged. I am very jumpy about photographs normally as, being less than svelte, I tend to spend my whole time in front of a camera trying to suck in my tummy and hide multiple chins. However, in the guise of C, I revelled in the camera - posing for explicit and exposing photos with an enthusiasm that surprised me (and surprised Marlowe even more). We had an agenda of avoiding heavy spanking / BDSM as we were heading out to a spanking party the next night so that forced us to get in some ways more creative and interesting in our play.
Three hours later (how do you lose entire evenings to sex and play????) J and C left and Lily and Marlowe re-entered the world feeling lighter and more fun than they had in a while. We also felt reconnected with ourselves and our sex life, as well as feeling kinky in a broad sense of the term.
It also taught me something which has actually made me feel really enthusiastic about engaging in poly relationships in the future; this experience has made mine and Marlowe's relationship and attraction for one and another considerably stronger.
Oh, and before you ask the photos were all deleted rapidly. C might have kept them but Lily wasn't taking the chance that she might have had to look at them...
I have however found the silver lining of polyamourous break - ups; consolation sex with someone who loves you and who knows your body intimately.
Needing to lose ourselves a bit, we took the advice of some fabulous friends and got into some role play.
I have always been a bit twitchy about role play as I have always been a bit squeamish about plotting and planning sex and play (probably back to my inherent britishness again). However, Marlowe and I sat down in a fit of over enthuasiasm and created a player character list of 10 scenarios, complete with costumes and names.
Obviously given that we have to do dull things like work, we have not quite made it through all of our scenarios - particularly as we have got stuck on a couple which have been great fun to explore.
Last week, I let C out of the box. A young girl who has decided to abandon her plan to marry well for the somewhat easier life of getting laid well and for money, C is setting up in business catering for a suitable sort of gentleman. Getting business up and running is a challenge, so she thought a website with decent photographs would help - enter from stage left J, a photographer who is reknowned for getting the best from his models. C has very little money, so an agreement with J that she would pay him in kind suited her just fine.
This seemed quite a simple scenario but it was much hotter and much dirtier than either of us envisaged. I am very jumpy about photographs normally as, being less than svelte, I tend to spend my whole time in front of a camera trying to suck in my tummy and hide multiple chins. However, in the guise of C, I revelled in the camera - posing for explicit and exposing photos with an enthusiasm that surprised me (and surprised Marlowe even more). We had an agenda of avoiding heavy spanking / BDSM as we were heading out to a spanking party the next night so that forced us to get in some ways more creative and interesting in our play.
Three hours later (how do you lose entire evenings to sex and play????) J and C left and Lily and Marlowe re-entered the world feeling lighter and more fun than they had in a while. We also felt reconnected with ourselves and our sex life, as well as feeling kinky in a broad sense of the term.
It also taught me something which has actually made me feel really enthusiastic about engaging in poly relationships in the future; this experience has made mine and Marlowe's relationship and attraction for one and another considerably stronger.
Oh, and before you ask the photos were all deleted rapidly. C might have kept them but Lily wasn't taking the chance that she might have had to look at them...
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