Time to pause and look around me

Hello all, 

Abel has made some fantastic contributions in his comments on the last three postings but they are ones I have really struggled to know how to respond to. In fact this sense of being unsure how to respond has held up several other communications as well (sorry Kami, I've been meaning to reply to your last email for ages). 

You see, there's a real problem in knowing how to respond to a comment posted about a situation that is some distance in the past. We don't seem to have caught up with the current time stream much yet (if at all), so the last postings were written by both myself and Lily looking back to what was going on for us at the time. In both cases, we haven't entirely succeeded, as my developing sense of what I felt for Lyra and Lilys awareness of her mix of responses and where they came from developed over a period of time. That still means that the last posts were documenting a place quite a long way from where we are now. 

It makes it extremely difficult to know quite how to comment on some of the points Abel raises without acknowledging how we have developed since. To do that means, I think, that we need to start posting things from where we are now as well as catching up on how the relationship with Lyra progressed. In our case that also leaves a rather large elephant in the room.

The elephant is that our relationship with Lyra is now over. This leaves an odd situation where there is still the bulk of a relationship that I'd like to document and reflect on. From where the narrative currently rests there are still four days and six nights that we spent together, plus ongoing social and email contact. I learned more and grew more and Lilys journey was even greater, really only reaching any sense of conclusion after the relationship had ended. 

What I have written thus far has been interesting to me (I still worry it's probably dull to anyone else, but the feedbacks been good so hopefully it's of interest to others) and gives me some sense that it is worth continuing to blog long term. Blogging has really helped me think about and process what has occurred, but I need to look at more aspects of my experience. So, I think I need to add in some categories, and be able to post about what's happening now, how things went with Lyra, and other aspects of historical stuff that bear on to my kink and sexual identity. 

I guess the question brimming on peoples lips is likely to be "what caused the relationship to end". I guess I'll explore that as that narrative moves forward, but the simplest response is that it didn't appear to particularly falter. It was overtaken for Lyra by something more important. An old friendship blossomed into something more. 

This is something where Abels comments really struck a chord with me. He talks about wondering if his girlfriends will find a more complete relationship and what that will mean for their dynamic, but also expresses really well that sense that if you actually care for someone, then you want to support them in developing things which enrich their lives. This is very much my experience. Watching the relationship end was really painful, but was helped by thinking that she was probably doing exactly the right thing for her to grow. She goes with all our goodwill.   

Since that ending, we have had little contact from Lyra. Again, this is painful but is sometimes what people need. I intend to leave her as an author to this blog and hope that she may want to share thoughts with us in the future.

Where does that leave Lily and I?

Interestingly, I think for Lily the space and ability to reflect back on a now finished relationship has helped her get a stronger sense of the positives and negatives, and the sense of loss really surprised her. Talking about it last weekend, seemed to have left her with a strong sense that she would like to explore this sort of relationship in the future, and what boundaries she would need to feel really happy with it.

Finding someone with real chemistry with both of us again may or may not happen, but it's something we are open to. 

Me? I got my heart burned, as predicted. You know what? I wouldn't change it at all. It's brought me back to parts of myself I thought gone forever, opened up the amount I can feel and has left me with some wonderful memories. My only worry was about Lily, and she seems to have gained a lot from the experience overall.

So that's where we are. I'll put in some categories and mix posting about the past, and about now and look forward to new adventures in the future. 

Incidentally, I think I mentioned when I started blogging that the first posting I wrote was just as the relationship with Lyra was starting, and was about a different subject entirely - what I get out of topping. I found it again the other day. Should I post it?        

Love is indeed a four letter word

I have written and rewritten this post. I’ve filed it and I’ve almost deleted it three times. Writing this feels exposed and a tad self indulgent, but I think necessary to my understanding and that of Marlowe and Lyra.

I came to this posting after a very difficult week of soul searching in which I found myself deeply unhappy with our relationship and in which I found myself trying to find excuses to end it. Reading Marlowe’s post has shocked me into thinking more about why; why is he so clearly in a different place to me?

I had to naval gaze in a way which I hope isn’t too tiresome to read, but I think the answer lies in my history and my learned defences.

I don’t wish to sound like I seek sympathy (anyone who knows me will know I am less than great with people who play the damaged childhood card) but I think it helps to understand me if you understand my upbringing. I was the youngest child in a materially generous but emotionally cold household where practicality and social acceptance were valued above all. This left me with very good core concepts of generosity, charity and an enormous streak of sense (which I loathe on occasions) but taught me very little about loving. I reached into my adult life desperate to be loved which is an approach bound to end in disaster.

My first relationship was significantly abusive and, although I think about it very little now thanks to the help and love of many good friends and lovers, it has left its scars. The worst damage was done by my inability to discuss this abuse with my family and by the harmful lesson I learned for a while; my parents were right, practicality is more important than love.

Nearly 10 years on, numerous attachments to unavailable men and a five year relationship with a wonderful but completely emotionally unavailable man, I reached a turning point. Most of this was triggered by meeting Marlowe whose vitality, energy and passion for life shone out. He gave me a glimpse of a different world from the one I’d known and one I wanted to access. I made possibly the hardest choice of my life; to abandon safety and security for a glimmer of a hope.

I have never regretted that choice as it has led me to more joy than I have ever known but it has remained a hard choice. Marlowe had been hurt before but he had an openness of spirit and a passion for life that I had never encountered before. To grow with him required constantly throwing myself into new experiences, to challenge myself and my prejudices and, most of all to hold a mirror up to myself. I was not surprised to find that I did not always like myself, the surprise was that it was not for the reasons I initially thought. Many of the self deprecating thoughts I had experienced over the years I was able to let go of in the face of being adored by someone who I considered outside of my league. However, I was able to see that my life had left me more selfish and self absorbed than I had realised and that was not a comfortable place to be. Changing this and letting go of the more petty aspects of my existence is a constant battle.

I am sorry if this reads as self indulgent, but this is important to the place I find myself in now. When I am challenged by something new, I revert back to type. Unfortunately for me, this is a self focused and closed off place. Ironically, I actually behave in a more giving way – I rush to do things for others and put myself out to meet their needs but if I am honest, it is entirely self serving. I hide behind a mask of generosity and start using all those weapons my mother taught me to wield so well – guilt, martyrdom and appropriately large bouts of public self deprecation (one of the most effective ways of getting support whilst still looking humble). I think this is pretty much a text book example of being passive aggressive.

Entering into this relationship has been one of the largest challenges I have faced since discovering my kinky side and, true to form, I have reverted to type. I can feel myself closing inwards and shutting off emotionally; giving physical love and affection but withholding that which has the most value – love.

I can hear Lyra and Marlowe yelling at me now for being hard on myself but if I am to let myself enjoy this experience, I have to face this and let go. I am afraid, I am in new territory, and my entire view of self is challenged; perhaps not to the extent that Lyra is experiencing, but enough to shake my core. There is a real danger at this point that I will revert back to the only way I know and politely and generously fade into falsity. I don’t want to. Once before in my life I took a risk and it paid off. This is nowhere near as dramatic, as I face this situation with love behind me and a stronger sense of self than I have ever had, but it is a risk. I want to love like Marlowe and I want to erase the belief that I developed long ago; that I cannot love as I am broken. With time, I have realised that this is untrue. I may be mildly sprained, but I’m not broken.

So, that leaves me with alternatives. To leave Marlowe and Lyra to establish the love within our relationship and drift quietly away, to force an ending by being so clearly unhappy that Marlowe makes the decision for me (thus leaving me feeling less guilty) or to actually face my fears and approach.

I love the saying “if you do what you always did, you will get what you always got”. Maybe it’s time to do something different and hopefully get something different.

The R word

The R word

I have discovered something new about myself this week. In discussing with lilly G the situation we currently find ourselves in, I found myself skirting round and round using the word relationship. She kindly bailed me out of the situation by referring to our arrangement (see I’m still doing it) as a “set-up”.

That got me thinking – what is it about the word that bothers me so much?

I think much of this is about what labels mean to me and what they may infer to others. Relationship for me has never been a word I use loosely and has only ever been utilised when I am in a relationship with someone which I see as potentially a life partner. Therefore I guess there is probably a small part of me which worries about the commitment inferred when this word is used. If I’m honest though it is more about what this word means to others.

If I use the word relationship, rather than play partner or lover or close friend, then it gets very hard for me to say that I am not polyamorous and that is a word I simply loathe. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against polyamoury (some of my best friends are polyamorous….) but the term has bad associations for me.

I have witnessed numerous relationships which have been labelled as polyamoury but which have actually been hugely destructive to the individuals involved, either because not all partners involved want the multiple relationships or because the power balances within have been deeply unequal. For example, I have friends who state that they are polyamorous but what that means in practice is that the wife has numerous sexual encounters with others but the husband does not – he worries that he cannot meet her needs and therefore would rather she had multiple relationships than leave him.

I also have a close set of friends who are truly polyamourous – the three friends live together in such a way that you could not imagine any two of them being able to have a relationship with out the third to complete them. It has taught me that polyamorous relationships can be deeply loving and caring. I’m also aware of many individual situations which fit anywhere in between those two extreme scenarios; some of which appear to be deeply fulfilling for those involved and some of which appear to be deeply destructive.

So I can’t even claim the term only has bad associations. Again, I ask why does it bother me?

I think the answer is simple. I am not polyamorous by nature – it is not who I am, it is what I am currently doing. I don’t fundamentally feel a need for multiple relationships in the way that my bisexual friend describes (she finds herself complete when she has both a boyfriend and a girlfriend). I find myself in a situation where this is right for me, Lyra and Marlowe but this does not alter who I am. I get a great deal from this relationship (time to get over the fear of the word…) but that is not to say I will ever again engage in a polyamorous relationship. It is this situation, it is Lyra, that makes this work; not the presence of additional relationships.

I guess I would akin this to the idea that although I am currently sleeping with Lyra, I would not define myself as bisexual. I can admire the beauty of women but have never previously found a woman sexually attractive. It is Lyra I find attractive, not women per se. It is also the combination of Lyra and Marlowe together that I adore; Lyra and I are developing an increasingly close relationship but I am certain this would have a completely different flavour if Marlowe were not present.

I guess I am just rebelling against labels. I am Lily. We are Lyra, Marlowe and Lily and that is enough of a label for me.

Love is a four letter word

This is my fourth attempt to write this post. My first attempt was two weeks ago, and so written before the last three posts of mine (and it's what held them up).

I may end up binning this attempt as well, but I'm going to try really hard not to. You see, this is an area so laden with linguistic limits and cultural baggage that actually expressing what I want to convey is almost impossible. There are also other things that make this difficult, but I believe I will come back to those later, so I think I'll just have to accept that this will be flawed, make it as good as I can and post it with the hope it is read sympathetically.

This is also the most exposing, most vulnerable post I have written. My last post, writing freely and candidly about sex was in part me working up to this greater exposition. Is it worth that vulnerability? Writing the other posts here have definately added to my understanding, appreciation and learning so I really need to do this. OK. Deep breath...

I want to write about the most subversive topic I know about. I want to write about love. I want to write about loving Lily, finding that I was in love with Lyra and the difficulty that the word "love" means different things. I hope to be coherent but am not confident that I will be. So, with your indulgence...

There I sat, tired and busy but happy on a Friday luchtime, reading a lovely thank you note from Lyra. I felt happy, peaceful and contented - and something deeper. I probed for what I was feeling, slightly absent mindedly. Then stopped with a shock. The only label that fitted that emotion was love! Oh my, this is a real worry. Think about what that term normally means. Does it mean trouble for what I feel for Lily? Theres plenty of cultural assumptions that if you start loving someone that means love reducing for anyone else. Should I say anything or am I going to scare Lily and freak out Lyra? Damn, what does this mean?

OK, it was time to shelve this and think it through a little more rationally. So I did. I got through the day and I got through a busy weekend of family stuff and let it process a bit. I pretty much had to go back to first principles and work forward from there.

So, why was love the right word? Well there are a lot of different grades of attachment and I prize friendship highly (you get a hell of a lot more acquaintances than friends in my experience) but friendship isn't the right word. It covers the warmth, the affection, the wish to help and support, the concern with how they are doing and so forth. But actually, no it doesn't quite. There's something about the quality of affection that changes with someone for whom there is that powerful erotic charge and who you have shared passions with. An intimacy that has a different quality to it (This also makes sense of the number of lovers who, when our time together passed, have become firm and close friends. There is some pain involved in letting go of the desire and letting the relationship change, but you then have a rich warm friendship that would be a criminal waste to throw away).

Only, wait a second, that's rubbish isn't it. Families share love and that's not about that sort of connection. Hmm, so the word applies to several different things. That's not helpful. I've always been swayed by the argument that language shapes thought as well as vice versa. If you do not have a way of articulating a concept, it is harder to understand and experience. Our labelling from language and cultural norms is powerful and clearly not helping me to understand myself. So, what are the components? A real sense of warmth, affection, really powerful sexual desire and a desire to nurture. Oh, the nurture bit is interesting. It ties into affection and desire, so there's a wish to get to know better, a wish to help grow and also a wish to let her explore her sexuality and kink without any crises or negative experiences. Hmm, that's not even expressed well here, no way I could convey it clearly in conversation.

Then there's Lily. Does this mean I love her any less?

No, it doesn't. Feeling for my emotions for her shows me again just how strong and encompassing they are.

Hmm, re-learn old lesson. There is a cultural message that love is a limited resource, that if you begin to love another it is taken from the love you held for someone else. This seems deeply embedded in our culture. You can see it in the "saving all my love for you" love songs, you can see it in the medias inability to understand polyamory whilst blindly supporting serial monogamy in celebrities.

This is the wrong maths. The more you allow yourself to love, the more you are able to love. This has been true in my experience whether you are talking about how much you love one person, or multiple people.

In this situation, I found myself loving Lily more. How could I do otherwise? We had shared some fantastic experiences that increased our connection and our bond.

Part of the reason I think this felt odd for me is that being open hearted, being able to show real warmth in friendships and relationships, is something that is quite natural for me, but something that I closed off in a welter of bad experience and betrayal a decade ago. This need to shut down emotionally let me survive but poisoned one relationship with real potential and saw me settle into one that was cosy but companionable rather than passionate. A life lived without passion is not living, not for me, no matter how safe and comfortable life becomes.

Lily had taught me that I could love again, but opening this further was actually a little scary, a little painful. Without any conscious plan, Lyra had shown me I could love more than one person. This re-discovery is a very precious gift and one that I will always thank her for.

How she would feel about this remained a concern. Lyra comes across as such a free spirit that I would have hated to convey how I felt for her and make this sound posessive or constraining. But then nor did I want to hide away as some dirty little secret, I wanted to celebrate it but there was still that problem of language.

In the end I did manage to say something about it, the next time we slept together, and much of the feeling was matched by Lyra. We talked about it and hit that language limitation, but did talk about different languages having different terms for love. The next day she discussed the words and definitions of the Greek words for love with a friend with a decent background in classics. and wrote:

As for language, I think the greeks may well be our best bet.. if we take the four words agápe, éros, philía, and storgē in their original meanings then somewhere between éros and philía is probably the right word.


And I proposed Philieros. There, we had our word.

The only problem with this is that it may come without the usual cultural baggage, but it is equally devoid of the emotional weight of the term "Love". Still, its a start.

I appear to be made to love more than one. Interestingly this has also deepened my emotional attachment to close friends. It's left me more engaged in the world, more invested in people. It's a little scary as I'm just guaranteed to get burned a few times, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Thank you Lyra, my Philieros.

An unexpected night of passion

The Thursday evening was not set up as a night for exploration of us. I'm not sure any of us were yet really sure that there was an "us". I really wasn't clear if we'd even end up sharing a bed, but it was a very pleasant social evening, another one where there was that odd frisson of shared secret. I remember one moment particularly, the girls had both bought ice creams during the interval and were laughing and joking. I was chatting to some of the guys when one looked over at the two of them, both licking at an ice cream, and made a comment about how suggestive that was (I've been racking my brains but I can't remember the wording of the comment). As I could easily remember both of them with lips working on me from only a few days previously, it was difficult to comment, but it gave me one hell of a grin, which I had to explain to Lily when she noticed. 

The drive home was pleasant and sociable, and when we got home it seemed entirely natural to all get into the same bed. I wasn't sure if we'd just sleep, but some kissing and cuddling soon led to more! 

I remember us starting by ganging up on Lily, who discovered that having both nipples sucked whilst being penetrated really did things for her. As the tempo increased, Lyra and I seemed to naturally divide our roles with her taking the top half, kissing passionately and playing with Lilys breasts, and myself putting increasing power into my movements, with one free hand staying in contact with Lyra. That three way contact seemed important and, while it was sometimes an intimate caress, keeping at least a degree of contact felt like maintaining a circle of energy. 

The addition of a thumb to Lilys clitoris soon brought her to a major, convulsing, panting orgasm (both Lily and Lyra come with power and utter abandon, which is beautiful). I loved watching her face as she came and the aftershocks as she kissed Lyra and then me. 

As they hugged I turned more attention to Lyra, first with my tongue, then asking if I could move inside her. That first night we had had an incredible, fulfilling sexual encounter, but had not had penetrative sex - for one point I had little idea if there was a condom around!

I had since checked, and could find one easily this time, though it was important to check that this was OK and not some sort of boundary for her. Moving inside her was surprisingly good. It felt amazing physically, but more than that, she had barely moved from where she had been when I was in Lily and with a hand now keeping contact with Lily that sense of connection between the three of us was powerful. I have never held that high a specific regard for penetrative intercourse, seeing it as little different to any other form of stimulation to orgasm, so I'm not sure if it was that or coming to make love for the second time, but I could feel my sense of connection to and affection for Lyra anchoring more strongly. 

It was then, with building passion, that a slight off note to the evening developed. I reached over to stroke Lilys head where she lay beneath Lyra, missjudged it and accidentally poked her in the eye. Mildly annoying you may think, only the digit in question still had a sheen of lube on it and this was really uncomfortable, so Lily extricated herself from under Lyras kneeling form and rushed to the bathroom to wash her eye, saying "don't worry about me, back in a second"

The three way connection was broken, though not the passion, so Lyra and I made love for a while, but there was an awkwardness - a gap. As Lily came back. We stopped, seperated and welcomed her back into the bed, but it was clear that she had felt a bit ... I dont know, excluded? Maybe she can express this better. 

We did the obvious thing. We stopped, and gently paid attention to Lily. Not sexually, but caringly. Stroked her and cuddled her and made her our centre until that reserve broke (with a few tears) and we were back to a shared dynamic. Surprisingly, this shifted back into sexual tension and lovemaking very easily. I remember more lovemaking, though less clearly. I remember both Lyra and Lily coming several times before they then said that it was my turn to be ganged up on!

Oh how difficult to be the centre of attention for two women! It's a dirty job etc....

Actually I do find this slightly difficult. I had two beautiful women that I was so deeply, fulfillingly enjoying making love to. Being male means that coming kind of stops play, at least for an hour, so moving past that early urge to come and settling into that plateau of pleasure where you can go on for hours is something I do quite habitually (this makes me lousy at "quickies").

So, I was really enjoying myself, really fired up on their pleasure and the joy one gets in giving that pleasure. That joy where you just want your partner (partners in this case) to have the best sex they've ever had. It's nice to have a simple target!

Anyway, I was in absolute bliss giving all my attention to two wonderful women. I do remember once in the past venturing the opinion that "threesomes are overrated", having had a fair few threesomes, foursomes and moresomes back in my twenties, before settling into doing wider scenes in kink but not in sex for many years. Either I'd changed or I was just sleeping with the wrong people back then. Now, I seem to be having just the best time I can imagine and watching the joy in two people you have chemistry with - well it's beyond my capacity to express. I think I may be at my best with two women, and it avoids that problem of them being burned out and ready to sleep when you're still feeling playful. 

So, I slightly reluctantly, but with great pleasure, allow myself to be laid down in the middle of the bed and I'm soon kissing both of them passionately, then they seem to alternate who is kissing me and who is sucking ... hmm, I think you can see the picture (digression: why does so much of our language about sex sound debased and seedy rather than life affirming and beautiful? It's great for humiliation scenes but makes it hard to write up a memory of passion and make it sound as uplifting as it felt). 

Interestingly, I also remember a conscious choice. I could have let myself come in seconds, I could have let sensation build and come in minutes but I actually chose to hold on to self control as rigidly as I could and stop myself coming. 

Why? I knew it was a fight I couldn't win (this is rare, I'm normally extremely self controlled) and had a hankering to feel the edges of my control peel away until I came in full, uncontrolled animal state. If you are sexually dominant then even in the heaviest scenes and most extreme headspaces there is a small core of control, as unyielding as cast iron that always stays there and keeps your sense of proportion, your knowledge that this is a scene with limits, that keeps you and your partners safe. 

To bring that core in and deliberately let it be stripped apart, defeated layer by layer until, like a man hanging onto a roof by his fingertips, you feel your last strength fail and you lose all control and plunge, in this case, into extasy. Well, words fail me. 

I have no idea how long this took, but by the time we finished I was both drained and energised, at peace and feeling enormous warmth. We finally slept. 

The morning came too soon, but with that curious mix of energy and tiredness. I spent the morning teaching and at lunchtime picked up an email:

Hey Marlowe,

Thank you for another wonderful night and a beautiful morning, I hope you're not too tired at work today! I really mean it when I say that you and Lily are both amazing people, you're wonderful to spend time with.

Love and hugs,
Lyra xx

I felt happiness, contentment and, hmm what was that other feeling? Oh that one was a surprise, and maybe dangerous. I think I know what my next post needs to be about!

A Flurry of correspondence

That evening and over the next few days was such a flurry of correspondence that I may have to edit some of it down, but I am going to keep it as close as possible to what was originally sent. 

Reading these mails again, two months on from when they were originally sent has been a wonderful experience. It has helped bring back the memories and the emotions of those days really sharply. 

So, back to the mail. That Saturday evening I felt the need to make contact again, let her know how much we had enjoyed the experience, and allow for her to process the experience and reflect on how she felt. 

You see, it's difficult to strike a ballance but we do not casually scene with others, there generally needs to be trust and chemistry. I didn't want Lyra to feel swamped by the experience, but given that she knew we were a part of the fetish scene I'd have hated the thought that she came away feeling like a piece of meat, our latest conquest. 

I wrote:

Hi Lyra

Just wanted to share that we are still on a bit of a high and feel that we shared a wonderful experience last night. Hope you are still feeling good. 

Difficult to know how to convey this properly but lots of hugs and warm gooey feelings to you from us. 

I'm hoping you don't wake up with any regrets, and will come over and join us again soon. 

Love M&L

xxx 

She soon replied:

Hi Marlowe,

I'm still on a complete high, I feel so relaxed and so.. alive is the only way I can think to describe it. I had such a wonderful night followed by a really lovely day and everything feels quite serenely surreal now.

I'm really glad you and Lily enjoyed yourselves, you are both amazing and beautiful people and I would love to spend more time with you.

Thank you again,
Love Lyra x

the following morning saw a short follow up

Hey Marlowe,

Something clearly worked yesterday because I managed 9 hours of unbroken sleep at a reasonable time last night :) I still feel so relaxed and at peace with the world, it's an amazing feeling. Thank you :)

This was lovely to hear. That the evening had been enjoyed was good to know, but more than that the sense of peace, of contentment, rather than any regrets reinforced that this had been not only enjoyable but also good for us. I replied: 

I'm really pleased to hear that Lyra. I'm still feeling fantastic - it's a bit difficult to know how to put it into words but I think I came closest yesterday when I said to Lily that I just felt entirely me, with none of the usual distractions, worries, self consciousness or any of the baggage that most of us spend too much of life carrying around. 

Lilys only complaint this morning was that the memories and feelings are so lovely and untainted that it feels a bit unreal!

Actually there are a few other thoughts that I wanted to share but I've got a few practical things that I must get done so if it's OK, I'll write more fully this afternoon. 

I'll include some thoughts on when we're free to get together again.  

Marlowe
xxx 

Sure enough that evening I continued, with an email titled "what next"

Hi Lyra,

So, as the title says, what next?

Friday and Saturday were fantastic and it would be great to meet up  
again soon. We are a bit stuffed by family commitents which annoyingly  
slow it down, but there's also the question of what to meet up for.

We had a fantastic evening and could take that in all sorts of  
directions, though frankly I'm pretty sure now that that needs very  
little planning - I think if we find the time to meet up then there  
will be very little difficulty finding things to explore (though I do  
find myself occasionally drifting off into thoughts of what might be  
interesting. Hmm, a dirty mind would be a terrible thing to waste!).

The other side of "what next" really struck me on the Saturday. It  
really sounded that you missed getting out somewhere wild and  
deserted, and I was left really wanting time to just go and spend time  
together. Just wanted to check how you felt about that.

You see, we are back to the confusions of modern etiquette. One can be  
slightly unsure how to propose another night of passionate intensity  
as one wishes to arrange such a night but is cautious not to make it  
sound like one is assuming agreement in a way that would fail to show  
how precious this would be, but on the other hand is it presumptuous  
to ask if you'd also like to cone over for enough time to share some  
other aspects of life like going out to the wild, or even just being  
around long enough to really share the afterglow?

Ho hum. Maybe I need to drop my politeness a bit!

Anyway, that stuff affects our options in forward planning. We could  
meet up on a midweek evening, but my instinct would be to meet when we  
have enough time to really enjoy our time together (I'm still stunned  
that four hours disappeared between us going upstairs after we'd finished playing with rope, and coming down for a toastie).

If that shifts us to weekends, I don't know what your commitments look  
like but ours are: 

Here I'm editing out a long list of days available and different times we could get together over what was then the next month. The email then concludes: 

As I said before, I have no idea of your commitments but we would love  
to meet up earlier rather than later if you are willing.

Obviously, if you'd rather just meet up for an evening at a weekend  
then let's book a weekend evening, but if you would be happy to spend  
a little more time with us, we'd love to see more of you.

I had some other thoughts brought on from Friday/Saturday but I don't  
think I have the time and energy to articulate them clearly tonight,  
so if you don't mind, I'll send you some further thoughts during the  
week.

It was lovely reading your mail this morning. My sense of peace, and  
of being really centred, has lasted the weekend.

We both think that you are a beautiful, wonderful woman.

Marlowe
xxx

I needn't have worried about the awkwardness. An email returned:

Marlowe, you really are so polite it's incredibly cute!

I really enjoyed every minute of time I spent with you and Lily and I really think that if we can just find time, we don't need to plan any more than that, everything seemed to lead on so naturally. On the other hand, if you had something in mind that you specifically wanted to try then it could be fun to organise something.

I'm completely happy to go on intuitions with this. Whilst I loved playing with you and Lily I think it's also important to note that I really love you both as friends too. You are both such amazing, interesting people with seemingly a lot of interests in common so spending a weekend enjoying each other and just spending time together is equally appealing.

It's quite late and, remarkably, I'm quite tired so I think I'll continue this in the morning. I'm not sure how many times I've already thanked you but I shall do so again because I can't ever remember feeling like this and it's truly wonderful. Thank you.

Sweet dreams,
Lyra xxx

And she did indeed continue the following morning:

Good morning Marlowe,

How're you feeling today? I don't know about you but I still feel very centred and very relaxed after the weekend, I imagine that sleeping for three nights in a row is going some way to helping that too :)

My initial thoughts on when to meet up next are as soon as it's convenient for all of us, whilst there's no rush, I really enjoyed our time together and I'm quite keen to spend more time with you as soon as we can. Whether that's for something as simple as a coffee and a chat or for a night of frivolous fun seems almost irrelevant, I'd love to do both.

Weekends are generally good for me, I don't yet have a timetable for when I'm having xxxxx but as it stands, everything is very flexible so if we find a weekend that suits you, I can organise things around your diary.

I have to say, I'm intrigued as to your other thoughts brought on by Friday/ Saturday and look forward to hearing them :)

Lyra x

Well replying to that's just a pleasure isn't it, also time to start thinking about where play might go. 

Good afternoon Lyra, 

I'm still doing pretty well. The pressure and clamour of work obviously makes something of a dent, but underneath that I'm pretty funky. 

Lily, on the other hand, is feeling really rough. We think she picked up mild food poisoning when we went out for a meal on Saturday night, but got really rough during the day yesterday. She's just about functioning this morning, and has a few days that she absolutely has to make it to work. 

It's really annoying as it's obviously really ruined the wonderful vibe she was carrying on Saturday. When she's well, we'll just have to put the smile back on her face :)

Interesting that you are sleeping well. You obviously need a regular prescription of passion, kink and affection!  

Meeting up for a coffee or generally socially is a good point. Obviously we'll see each other at role playing, but that's a teeny bit inhibiting. Let's see when Lily is back to functioning and check diaries.

As far as a weekend together goes, shall we go for the weekend of the  5th? Maybe pick you up mid morning and head off somewhere for the day, them back to ours for Saturday evening and Sunday?

As for your comment "I'm intrigued as to your other thoughts brought on by Friday/ Saturday and look forward to hearing them :)", well, as I said, a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. 

Some people go entirely on impulse, some go for planning things down to the last detail. I generally go for letting ideas float around my mind and playing without a script but with lots of potential ideas. 

Interestingly, when we hit the bed last Friday, no plans or thoughts seemed necessary. My memory is a collage of images (and by god, that's some collage!) and everything seemed to just flow without thought. 

I was about to go into an analogy for a second there, but I'm not sure if you've read anything by Erica Jong. There's a reccuring idea in the sequel to "fear of flying" (can't remember the book title off hand) that I was really struck by, but unless you've read it, it wouldn't make much sense. 

Anyway, that part of the evening was a perfect example of when you just need to follow instinct. That said, lots of kink works better with ideas, and pausing to come up with them can risk loosing mood or headspace. 

What ideas? Hmm, many and in many directions. Let me see...

It might be interesting to play with your top side and have the two of us gang up on Lily...

I can think of lots of ways of doing that in interesting ways, from playfully to more harshly sensual, from communicating as us through to ideas that could be role played...

Hmm that's about as far as I can go on that one without being rather more explicitly pervy. 

Or

We could do exactly the opposite and see how Lily enjoyed helping focus on rendering you helplessly lost in desire and sensation

Or

Both, or lots of other things. What fires your imagination? 

Bondage and sensuality leading to you bound helplessly, blindfolded and teased until completely aroused then gently and lovingly stroked, licked and made love to again and again?

A slow and thorough spanking of the two of you?

Perhaps some roleplay? Are there any situations that fire your fantasies? There are just unending possibilities here. I guess if it's an area of interest then just letting your imagination go will provide a good few options, but if you want some ideas, just ask and I'll give you a dozen scenarios off of the top of my head (the one with the ward, the Governess and the master was quite a hot daydream - Governess frames her young ward, the master of the house takes her to task and punishes her with a long and thorough spanking, then the governesses duplicity is revealed requiring a harsher punishment for her and the administration of pleasure to the ward. Is this too naughty?). 

Incidentally, I've had to heavily avoid self censoring here, so let me know if you are comfortable or uncomfortable with me talking about sexual ideas. Internally, I'm pretty comfortable with this sort of speculation - after all I know that I hold you and Lily in the highest regard and contemplating sex doesn't make me denigrate or objectify the people I think of (which is sadly not that uncommon in men). On the other hand, i worry that talking about potential kink ideas could come across as coarse or sound like I'm planning some sort of script that you need to pre agree (an odd one that - discussions that let you figure out potential turn ons can be really useful, but agreeing a rigid menu of play can lose that mystique and be a turn off). I also worry that talking about what we could all do together might not convey the deep affection and regard in which you are held. 

You are beautiful and very precious and I'm happy to be guided by you. I just get a sense that, having limited opportunity to play in the past, you might find some sharing of ideas useful. That may be OK over email or may work better face to face. 

Marlowe
xxx

P.s. I'm still smiling.

And I very much was still smiling. Slight nerves about having brought thoughts of sex into it more explicitly, so I was glad when I had a reply:

 Oh no, I'm sorry to hear about Lily but if there's any way I can help to put a smile back on her face ;)

"    Hmm, as I said, a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste." 

Yes, yes it is but it's very hard to reply to your emails without my mind wandering somewhat :P

The weekend of the 5th sounds good to me, I really like the idea of spending more time just enjoying the afterglow and the idea of just getting away from everything for a day and enjoying the beauty of the world that so many people miss.

I haven't read anything by Erica Jong but I'm onto my last borrowed book now so I'm looking for new authors to pick up or even some old ones that I need to rediscover (Dickens comes to mind, I haven't picked up one of his since I finished Great Expectations at about 14)

"Bondage and sensuality leading to you bound helplessly, blindfolded and teased until completely aroused then gently and lovingly stroked, licked and made love to again and again?" Did I mention my inability to concentrate on an email whilst having such thoughts? :) 

It sounds like you have a lot of ideas that really interest me, having a very switch personality means that I'm happy to explore my top side or to allow Lily to explore hers if she'd like to. As for role playing, again, it's something I've never tried in a sexual environment but something I'm happy to explore with a vague idea in mind rather than a script. The governess scenario sounds like fun (not too naughty at all) although I imagine there's a plethora of scenarios that we could explore (you can tell I'm a LARPer by the fact I'm thinking of costumes already!) What other ones would you like to try?

As for your last paragraph about how comfortable I feel talking about this via email, I do feel very comfortable and completely at ease with you (else Friday night couldn't have happened so smoothly) but I have a habit of over intellectualising things in writing which can come across as quite cold. That isn't at all how I intend it, I can't physically be intimate with someone that I don't have a connection with, so please don't ever feel that I can objectify you or Lily, but in writing, that's sometimes how it can come across. And that goes both ways I think. Whilst talking about ideas of this nature it's sometimes hard to convey the depth of care that goes alongside it all but so long as we both know that it's there, I'm ok with that if you are. Our relationship has a very clear nurturing, caring base and that's just as important as our mutual enjoyment.

I appear to have written you an essay so I shall stop there (partly because Glee is on soon and I have my other sordid secret to sate) I hope Lily is feeling better and that I'll see you tomorrow,

Lyra x

As you can imagine, there has been a lot of correspondence since then, but I'll just add the next two mails we sent and leave this post at that. 

My reply read:

LOL, our emails do seem to be growing in length. 

Lily is recovering. Still a little under the weather but improving so we're expecting to be there tomorrow night, and will look forwards to a hug. Putting a smile back may possibly have to wait for more privacy!

Glad you can make the weekend of the 5th. Let's have a fantastic two days. I have a few ideas - does getting away somewhere remote, then afternoon tea in a huge second hand bookshop in an old Victorian train station sound about right?

Incidentally, was I possibly a little distracting with some of those thoughts about what we could do in the evening? Terribly sorry ::puts on innocent face::

I'm glad you picked up from my last email and wrote so clearly about sharing ideas. I absolutely agree about it risking sounding cold. If we can take it as read that we both mean ideas with warmth and affection then we can share ideas pretty freely, which would be cool. I was still getting this irrational fear of saying something that would offend!

Hmm, loads more I could say, but I'm actually relaxed and happy, so I'll leave it there for the moment. 

Hope you have another restful night

Marlowe
xxx

And Lyras reply was:

"does getting away somewhere remote, then afternoon tea in a huge second hand bookshop in an old Victorian train station sound about right?" :D That sounds amazingly perfect!

And yes, those ideas for the evening were quite distracting.. Hmm.. Nom :)

And on that note I think I'll have some very sweet dreams tonight!
Night Marlowe xxx

I have really enjoyed going back through these, but it would be really useful to know if that's been too long winded. I think this will be the middle of three posts when I put it up as I started by writing about the next night we spent together and then remembered just how much experience we went through on the way there. 

So, on to part three. Not the weekend we had arranged, but an unexpected night that presented itself unplanned.   

When shall we three meet again...?

...Well, actually it was the following Tuesday, but it was a slightly odd experience. Hmm, maybe I need to start back on that Saturday morning-after-the-night-before. 

So, our first night was unexpected, exciting and went fantastically. Come the next morning we went out and got breakfast together. I remember feeling relaxed, content and a bit giggly. Late morning we got back to ours and, following on from a conversation the previous day, I soon headed out to take Lyra back home on one of my motorbikes. Lyra had enjoyed riding on the back of bikes before but hadn't had a chance to do so for ages, so we were going to take our time, take a scenic route and eventually drop her off. 

The ride was gorgeous. I was in a perfect mood to feel that sense of being at one with the machine and the wild we moved through. We went via the Pennines, rolling hills with moorland and forest, tiny lanes and dry stone walls, the air on our faces and the scent in our nostrils. 

I pulled up on a hillside, looking down over a large reservoir for a while and we headed down to the lakeside and paused for a stroll. It was interesting, I felt very comfortable with Lyra then, but found her very difficult to read - I always had found her difficult to read and still do, though I've improved a bit. Talking and walking I really was struck by how wonderful the experience had been and how I wanted to know her better. 

Dropping her home felt a bit sad. It had been so magical a time that ending it felt like a loss. 

Abel has commented how much he enjoyed the pieces taken from email in an earlier posting, so I think it might work if I drop back into mildly annonymised transcriptions of those to add to my memories. Rather than just pasting them in here (as it was quite a flurry of mails over the next few days) I think I will put them in a seperate posting after this one. 

So, when did we three meet again? As I said earlier it was just a couple of days later, on the Tuesday. It was odd because it was in normal social circumstances, and while I don't think any of us were ashamed at what had happened between us, nor did we feel a need to broadcast it. That put us in a social situation (a social interactional type of live role playing game, if you are interested) with a lot of shared friends and acquaintances. We must have a shared pool of acquaintance of at least thirty people, probably significantly more and on that Tuesday there were at least twenty of them around. This made for a really interesting dynamic. Chaste hugs and slightly veiled comments with a delicious sense of shared secrets. 

It also led to our next meeting, one that we hadn't particularly heralded. We had talked about meeting up for a proper weekend together and set some plans for that (more on that when I write about that weekend), but on that Tuesday we were reminded that a friend of ours was starring in a fairly substantial piece of popular theatre, which was playing until the end of the week. 

A number of us wanted to go along, including myself, Lily and Lyra. We offered lifts and crash space and, largely by chance, Lily was the only one who could conveniently take us up on the offer.

I think I will finish this posting here and put together the correspondence around this time, then I'll write up what happened when we met up on the Thursday.  

The first night: Lily's memories

I struggle to hold as clear a memory of that first night as Marlowe. For me, only impressions and sensations remain.

I remember the awkward tension that pervaded much of the first part of the evening which was interesting to me; we had previously talked other newbies through kink, had showed others the dungeon and introduced others to rope play but I had never experienced that level of awkwardness or tension. At the time it was unclear it this was a reflection of Lyra's nervousness or whether this was different. Given the outcome, I guess it is best explained by the presence of a sexual tension that we had never experience before and therefore were oblivious to.

I remember the shift that occurred as we moved from kink to intimacy. In the realm of kink, I found myself relatively confident, comfortable and self assured. In contrast Lyra appeared tentative; curious and engaged, but tentative. As we moved towards intimacy, I felt myself grow initially very tentative. I had never kissed a woman (in more than jest) before and the difference in sensation removed any sense of confidence. I had no idea of how one approached intimacy with a woman and I found myself transported back to my teenage years once more.

I remember that this fell away as we became increasingly comfortable with each other and that nervousness moved to curiousity which moved to confidence. I remember that this went on to move to no thought at all and an overwhelming sense of rightness which is hard to explain.

Like Marlowe, I awoke calm and peaceful. Like Marlowe, this is almost an alien state of being for me.

I have at times struggled to hang on to this calm as thoughts and beliefs have intruded but these seem to originate in societal views, concerns about others, etc. rather than from my feelings. My instinctive reaction to that first night was how right and how loving this experience was. I hope this was the same for Lyra.

The first night

So, we've introduced ourselves, we've talked about how we got talking about sexuality and how we arranged to meet up to explore things. I guess that leaves us ready to talk about what happened when we met up for that fateful first evening together.

It's slightly odd that I feel nervous writing this. I find myself shying away from it, wanting to vacilate or find another focus for this post. Since writing that last sentence I have just gone to turn the radio off, and found myself listening to it instead for ten minutes. What is making me so avoidant? 

I think it is because this memory sits as one of those warm, soul-sustaining, life affirming experiences that has already absorbed into my sense of self and I am cautious of examining it too closely. Perhaps this gem will have a flaw if I look too close. On the other hand, it felt half unreal by the following day. If I am to remember and reflect then this is a risk that will have to be run. "The unexamined life" and all that...    

And so I sort some memories and find a gloriously average beginning in the prosaic process of finishing a Fridays work, picking Lyra up and the three of us settling in the kitchen at ours for some slightly stilted conversation whilst I cook a meal that we all pick at. 

There is a certain something in the air. Nerves? Excitement? Perhaps just a mixture of slight awkwardness and a sense of possibility. I don't actually remember talking about kink or sexuality in any more than the most general of ways. I think it is Lily that breaks the tension by suggesting we go and introduce Lyra to our dungeon. 

Our dungeon? Oh, well, yes - OK I understand not everyone has one of those. Actually, dungeon might not be the best term for it. Play room might be better but dungeon seems to have stuck. Anyway, We have a room with a few interesting pieces of furniture and enough shelving and hanging space for most of our toys. 

"Toys"? Damn, I hadn't realised I was still going to need to define terms so much. OK, in this context "toys" is a pretty wide range of things. I guess I could subdivide into impact toys (canes, straps, paddles, floggers etc.) bondage toys (rope,  cuffs and clips, various other bits) electroplay (TENS machine types and a violet wand) and general toys (vibrators etc.). In a couple of decades of kink you pick up quite a lot of interesting stuff and it's nice to have a room to put it in - and a lock on the door for when relatives or vanilla friends are visiting.

Anyway, to come back from the digression we just kind of went in and talked about some of the stuff, and I think by extension talked a little bit about how diverse kink play could be. I'd love to hear what Lyra remembers of her reaction to this as it must have made everything rather more real! She had previously mentioned an interest in rope bondage - I'll use the term shibari and hope no one wants to be too pedantic about the term. Some play with Shibari seems a fairly non threatening way to start playing, so we take a few long ropes and head downstairs to the lounge. I suggest downstairs, hoping it is a little less intense than playing in the dungeon and not wanting to rush things. 

It's funny, but I've always found that point of making contact with someone in a play context to be a real barrier. It's important to me to have a genuinely willing partner (however much this may be at odds to the roles we play!) and being sure someone is comfortable with you laying hands on their body and sharing that intimacy is really important. 

We break the ice with a hug, and tying a full body harness on Lyra (a karada if you are interested in such things) breaks those boundaries properly. Lyra seems fascinated by the process of tying as well as it's results, and Lily looks itching to join the fun so Lyra comes and watches closely as I tie a slightly naughty chest harness with wrists tied behind her back on Lily. The vibe now is light, playful and interested. I talk Lyra through a few more ties and she puts a body harness on Lily, and I'm surprised at just how much I enjoy having two thoroughly roped women. 

There's a natural break where it feels that we have done all the shibari we should for a first time and I ask the damn fool question "what would you like to try next". It's a stupid question as Lyra looks like a kid in a sweet shop with no real idea of what she wants out of the array of possibilities. 

I think Lily comes to the rescue by suggesting that a next gentle introduction might be playing with the violet wand, so upstairs we go to the dungeon, and discover just how sensitive Lyras back is. Clothes are lost. Much contact happens and here is where my account begins to come unfocussed. As the evening progressed my recall becomes increasingly a set of linked images and impressions with little sense of time scale or conscious thought. 

I do remember increasingly few clothes, kissing, the glorious sight of Lyra and Lilly holding each other and kissing passionately. I remember Lily draped over a piece of rather well shaped furniture being kissed and stroked at one end, and spanked at the other. I think that happened before Lyra ended up in the same position with some gentle play with floggers, but my sense of sequence is not clear in my memory. I definately remember spanking Lily and feeling her respond to it with growing passion, seeing interest and arousal in Lyras eyes. Lyras first spanking is similarly clear, even if the sequence of events isn't. I remember starting gently, almost stroking, and building to firm strokes. I remember a soft "oh" of surprised arousal when the first firm strokes came and laughter when Lily asked if she now got why people enjoyed being spanked. 

We didn't go to far in that direction that first night. An moderately extended spanking to a glowing red bottom then back to other toys. We ended up losing the last of our clothes in our bedroom, back playing with the violet wand, with the attachment that made your own body the conduit used to pass the prickling electrical sensation and it was easy to drift from this into the three of us making love. Surprisingly easy actually, as this had never happened before in the time Lily and I have been together, but it just flowed naturaly by degrees from
Erotic play to three people making love fluidly and naturally. 

I have to be honest and say that here my memory becomes even more fragmented, though the images and sense memories are stronger. There are still dozens of vivid images that come to mind, I'll share those that float to the surface of my thoughts as I write:

Lilys face with mouth open and eyes closed as she experiences having each nipple in a different mouth; red hair and dark mingled on a pillow; fucking Lily while she kissed Lyra passionately; Lyra mouthing "Jesus" in a soft extatic voice as I went down on her again and she found her orgasm coming stronger; Lyra and I stroking Lily gently as she came down from a shattering orgasm with her body trembling; Lily cradling Lyra later as she trembled in the afterglow of coming similarly powerfully. 

Ah, fragments of memory. I've had to pick at a few I could describe, as much of the time I couldn't tell you what was being done to who. We became one body with many limbs and a massive capacity for pleasure. We entwined, teased and ravished in a seamless dance.  

Eventually we were spent, and hugged and held each other. I tried to remember tricky stuff like which was my body and what my name was. Thirst and hunger drew us down to the kitchen for drinks and toasted sandwiches. 

I do remember looking at the clock and noticing that it now read 2 AM. We began playing with rope at a little before seven on the Friday evening. Somehow, seven hours had disappeared. 

It was glorious to find a shared sense of wonderful afterglow. It was glorious to find no hint of embarasement around each others nakedness. We curled up on our bed in a puddle of bodies and stroked and kissed and soon slept.   

I woke the next morning laid on my left side with my right arm draped across Lyra and Lily. In sleep they were utterly relaxed, open and beautiful. I blinked sleep from my eyes and cautiously felt for my emotions as something felt odd. 

It took me a few moments to realise why. I felt - peaceful. 

No inner dialog, no drive to get any particular task done, just a stillness and contentment which I carried around for days, mixed with warmth, contentment and love. 

It may seem an odd thing to say, but that Saturday morning I felt absolutely myself. No doubts, no questions, just me. I felt deeply in love with Lily and huge warmth and affection for Lyra. Watching them was touching and beautiful beyond belief. I cuddled them both gently, settled myself and fell back to sleep.  

So there we go. A beginning. There are many more things I could say about that evening, many questions it raised that I'm sure we'll come back to but it's good to have produced an account of it, one that I hope Lily and Lyra are able to add to.    

M
 

From stage left; Enter “the wife”

Well, how does one live up to an introduction like that. I worry that the answer is probably poorly but as Marlowe comments, my low self esteem is legendary.

An introductory message feels important at this point as anyone who knows me knows that “the wife” probably conjures up an image that doesn’t fit me well. I am lily, a 33 year old professional woman who is a strange mix of gregarious and antisocial; innocent and deliciously filthy. Probably to Lyra’s great surprise, I was until I met Marlowe, very innocent. Oh don’t get me wrong, I had slept with plenty of people (or at least plenty of people for a nice middle class girl from a good family) but I had experienced a love life that would barely make a nun blush. I love Lyra’s shock at playing with toys – I hadn’t even played with a bit of food in the bedroom. Not even a bit of whipped cream in comedy. The kinkiest I got was once doing it on a washing machine (which is not for the faint hearted, particularly when your partner is 8 inches taller than you). How did I survive?

I have always been quite open minded about sex but had always been faintly ashamed of my libido. I had only really discussed my sex life with my male gay friend who I was fairly sure was in no position to make judgements. Discovering that there was a whole world of people out there who were like me and a whole load of new ways of enjoying sensuality and pleasure was like stepping through the mirror into another world. Lyra, I envy you – you have so much fun to come.

I am also lucky in that I got the chance to explore my sexuality with someone who loved me and who I loved dearly (I am aware that if I compliment Marlowe too much throughout this blog he will blush and hide but I am determined he will realise that he is fabulous in all ways so I shall not pander to his coyness too much). I am also lucky in that I got a chance to be gently lead through this process of discovery – I had been very hurt before (I fear this may come up again) and could have been very vulnerable to the unscrupulous. That in part is why I am so delighted that I get to be a part of Lyra’s discovery. I hope that we can be a part of helping her to transverse the potential pitfalls of the world of kink without overly shaping her journey – put simply, I hope I get to help Lyra in the way that I was helped.

Despite being open minded, playing with others had really only been a bit of a fantasy. Marlowe and I had speculated on playing with others and had talked a little about the fact that I would not be comfortable with another man as a regular play partner (though I have very much learned to never say never on my exploration of kink) but I don’t think that either of us had taken the idea seriously – it had more been a feature of post coital idle speculation.

That’s why I was surprised as Lyra and Marlowe when things happened as they did. I knew Marlowe had emailed (though he had never told me it was blank he sent!!!) and was going to ask Lyra the question but I didn’t quite expect to end up here.....

My part in this blogging is probably (knowing me) going to be less than that of the others. I would like to claim that this is because I will be percolating profound thoughts around in my head until I have a posting worth merit but in reality it will be because I am lazy and rubbish at electronic communications.

I also think that my role in all of this will be quite different from the others. I have come to terms with my kink side and I am at a place at the moment where I don’t want to think too hard about what I get from it as it might just put me off (over analysing has its pitfalls). I may therefore have less to offer with regards to that topic, though I expect that Lyra’s experiences may well parallel some I went through less than 5 years ago. My place in this blog I think will be to reflect on what it feels like to be along for this ride and to experience a relationship which is so different from what I have always known and considered to be normal. I expect that I will struggle along the way with the challenges of extending out the boundaries of a very close and intimate relationship, both in and out of the bedroom and in and out of kink, to accommodate a third person. All I can say is I am very lucky that the third person is so wonderful and so easy to care for

Back to the history - shall we meet?

A friend of mine once described that process of finding out if there are shared ideas and chemistry that might make for a developing play partner relationship, as "the Dance".

It's a good analogy, you circle carefully, social mores dictate certain steps and it becomes both effort and pleasure. I mention this because just establishing an interest in kink may be step one, but that leaves a huge range of possibilities. 

Quite apart from anything else, what the hell do you mean by "kink"? I've left it quite deliberately undefined as it's a huge range of things to different people, and you'll see what I'm talking about for us when we start talking about what has happened in our times together. That said, to have a meaningful conversation with Lyra required some begining definition, and avoiding it sounding too cold and clinical. 

What happened next was a conversation over email that led to us meeting several weeks later to - well I'll leave what we did when we finally met to a later posting.

For once this is something easy to document as I still have the emails involved. So, pausing only to amend real life names and remove identifying information, this is the conversation that occurred the next day (and contributed to one of the least productive work days I've ever had!):

My first Email to Lyra took some time to compose. It had to balance information with brevity (I failed on the brevity!), and brought back those concerns that it had to be clear enough to start a meaningful exchange, but not leave her feeling harrassed. How well I did this is I guess best left to comment from her, but it was with some excitement but considerable nerves that I sent the following:

Hi Lyra

I'm glad I asked about kink last night as I was really torn about whether to do so. As I said, I normally have really good instincts about this, but I was a little unsure in your case. Sorry about asking in a car full of people (even though they were fairly safe people) but it didn't look like I was going to get a more discreet chance. It leads on to other questions that I would definately not want to ask in a place that might make you uncomfortable, so back to email for the moment.

Obviously, I'd happily answer any questions you have, either over email or face to face over a coffee but I'd also love to know more about you, are you someone who's always had an interest in kink (there's a good few people I know who when they were children always found it "interesting" when people in stories got tied up or whipped but only later figured out what that interest means), or someone who's become aware of an interest as an adult?

Have you had much in the way of experiences? Don't feel you need to answer that as it's quite a personal question, but if not then you have so much fun in store! Depending on your inclinations, that first time when someone who knows what they are doing gives you a thorough spanking, starting as light as a caress and losing yourself in sensation as the intensity builds. Or the learning of how to do that, seeing the effect your blows have on someone, learning to vary intensity and rhythm, when to strike and when to stroke. Or the artistry of using 25 metres of rope in an elaborate Japanese rope bondage to constrict and arouse. Or any of the myriad of other things one can get up to. Hmm, I'm actually quite envious...

The big question is, of course, where do you want to go with this?

I guess I'd better make it clear whether that's just a come on -  Is that me just asking if you are interested in playing with me/us? Well its not, not primarily. We're actually quite choosy about playing with people as there are some real issues about trust and personality, but it's worth saying that Lily and I would both be quite happy playing with you or just introducing you to the scene.

If you'd like to just ask a few questions, then find your own way, that's fine. If you'd like to discuss it a bit and come along to some social events then that's fine as well (the next decent club night we're going to is the 5th of May). If you'd like to gently experiment with some play in a safe environment, then I would be happy to oblige or could let you know how to find others. If you want to jump in with both feet with some intense sceneing then we can point you in that direction or you can come along with us (less predictable than clubbing, but happens fairly regularly).

The problem that I've got in knowing what to suggest or what to tell you about is still that lack of instinct about how you are wired that makes it difficult to know what your interests are (and indeed, this may well be something to explore, which will evolve over time). You see, though you may often hear people talk about "the scene" or "the fetish scene" there is actually no such thing. There are many and varied bits of the fetish scene, some of which overlap.

Some people just play in their own committed relationship, some use the Internet to constantly trawl for partners. Some play with others, some play around others.

Some people enjoy clubbing to dress up outrageously, some enjoy clubbing as an opportunity to play.

Some are into gentle sensation play, some are into harsh sensation play, some are into role play with the context and head space as important as any physical contact.

Some like spanking but are shocked at any suggestion of sexual  
contact, some always like to lead up to lots of kinky sex. Some are into spanking/caning/whipping, some are into rope bondage, electroplay, etc etc.

Some people like to top/dominate, some like to bottom/submit, some like to switch and the actual dynamics can be much more complicated.

Where do Lily and I stand? Well that's a little complicated. We have some involvement with a range of bits of the scene as we get different things out of different aspects. I think our prefered part at the moment is the roleplaying and private parties side of things, though that may be because we've recently discovered some really lovely people in this side of things and had some really interesting experiences. Using role play as a part of play is something that allows you to go to some really interesting places in your head and still come back safely afterwards (and personally, I've always taken the view that the mind is the most important sexual organ, though I actually think that this remains the case in sensation play).

We also go clubbing a fair bit but tend to go for the clubs that have a decent mix of socialising and playing rather than the "dance club with a fetish dress code" type.

I guess I should also say that we don't identify ourselves as 
polyamorous, but we do enjoy playing with others if it's the right people. 

Actually, that's quite a defining feature of how we play - some people have quite rigid "yes" and "no" lists. How we play varies quite a lot. What I am into varies by partner, situation, intuition and a whole range of other things and I genuinely enjoy a wide range of scenes. I've always found it unhelpful to try and nail down how a scene will go in too much detail beforehand, and with some idea of definate "no" areas and a safeword you can generally have a lot more fun than you can with a script. With roleplay you need a strong sense of situation and your "dropping off point", but then you still need to respond to intuition and events. 

I guess we also tend towards a degree of discretion - I've never been particularly in the closet about my sexuality, but nor do I feel a need to massively broadcast it (though I do find myself mentioning more if I'm still buzzing after a really interesting evening - hence the conversation last week!)

Well, thats probably enough for a first email. I guess that will have either frightened you off or filled you with questions. Hopefully it is the latter, but if it's the former, then let me know and I won't make you uncomfortable by raising it again.

Best wishes

M

So, there we were. A decent introductory email that left me feeling a bit vulnerable, but hopefully was open and diverse enough to invite a full and frank reply. I crossed fingers and hoped for the best. 

Shortly a reply came through from Lyra: 

Hi Marlowe,

I'm glad you asked too and I'm glad you've sent this e.mail :) I'm not exactly shy about my sexuality but I will admit to being quite inexperienced, purely due to never having the opportunities to experiment or having a partner quite so open-minded. It's something I've been interested in for a few years and have tried some quite mild play but only with close friends and it's never amounted to much. Like you, I'm quite intuitive when it comes to sex and playing, what I'm into will vary with the partner, the situation, the mood I'm in, the mood they're in etc.

I completely agree with you about the mind being the most important sexual organ we have, the intricacies of how the mind can affect a sensual meeting have always astounded me. Sensation play is probably where I've had the most experience and found the most enjoyment in evoking responses from other people but equally, being teased and played with until you can't take anymore and then being pushed further is an amazing feeling, doing that to other people being just as much fun.

Japanese rope bondage is something I've been wanting to try ever since I first heard of it and role play is another area that I've always wanted to explore and have rarely had opportunity to try. My biggest problem is finding people that I'd trust enough to be completely vulnerable in front of. Whilst I'd probably be comfortable with you and Lily, with strangers I'd probably need at least a few hours of getting to know them and a good sense of what I'd be getting myself in for. For that reason I think small groups or casual social groups would suit me better than clubs, although I have an insatiable curiosity so I'm not ruling out the more interesting clubbing in the future.

So, the big question. Where would I like to go with this? The short answer is everywhere. I have an absolutely insatiable curiosity combined with years of not being able to do anything about it or knowing where to start or who to start with. I am completely open to experimenting and discovering more about myself which I'd imagine could be quite interesting for someone with more experience. If you're willing to introduce me to the kaleidoscope of kink, or point me in the direction of the right people, I would very much enjoy it.

Kind regards,

L


Well, what more could one want, it looks like it's going to be interesting and I have a big grin as I reply: 


Hello Lyra

Well fantastic, I think we are going to have a lot of fun. 

Thank you for giving me my biggest grin of the week. I share an office and had to explain to my colleague why I was in such a good mood! I may possibly have lied a little. 

I absolutely get the point about needing to be comfortable enough to be OK letting the defenses down. This is entirely normal and certainly something that affects Lily and I.  Interestingly, this tends to mean that play in large clubs is more limited than in small groups - most people don't let themselves go as much in a more public place, so clubs may well be less intimidating than you imagine but also rather less fun. 

Ditto with the getting to know people, though do remind me at some point to tell you the story of when we met a friend of ours who is really shy with new people so we actually agreed to meet in role and it was ... interesting. 

I could talk about all sorts of stuff but there's a danger of over intellectualising everything. It strikes me that the first thing you need to do is start gently exploring and discovering what works for you (though it's worth mentioning that most of us find that this is a range of things and evolves over time). 

So, I'd suggest one of two things, either meeting up for a coffee and a chat or coming over to us for an evening. We could have a meal, chat about kink and introduce you to our little dungeon and then just see what takes your interest. 

Which sounds good and when is good for you? 

Our only dampener is busy working lives and need for recovery time, but I'm sure we can sort out something in the next week if you have some time free. 

Feel free to ask any questions about anything kink related, I just thought I'd better rein myself back and not flood you with lots of information about the kink scene that might be more useful later on. 

Hugs

M

Swiftly, a reply arrives:

Hi M,

An evening with a meal, a chat and an introduction to the dungeon sounds ideal. You'll have to direct me though, I've only ever been to yours with ***** and he's taken a different route and gotten us lost both times! :P

I'm free most evenings so if you and Lily work out what's best for you I can be quite flexible.

So, we are going to meet up and see where it goes. Should be interesting. The night before, Lily and I had discussed the Lyra's interest and the possible outcomes and this was probably the best way to get started on finding out what you are into. We are a little vague on where that will go as we had talked several times about playing with another woman and were very much on the dame page that there were no real boundaries here, so long as the person and situation felt right. Lily had good vibes about Lyra, and we were happy to see where it went. I texted (or possibly phoned, but I think it was text) Lily to check ghis was still OK and discuss possible evenings. Then the emails were just logistics:

Hi Lyra,

I've just had a chat with Lily about this. Generally, we have much more energy when it's not a work day the following day, so we were thinking weekends if that's OK with you. Mid week is do-able but this feels worth making a bit more special. Does that sound good to you? 

Annoyingly, this weekend is pretty much booked, so maybe Friday the 14th or Saturday the 15th (either would be good for us). 

Possibly the best option might be the Friday, as Lily could give you a lift from ********* (I presume that would be helpful and sorts out the directions) and you would be welcome to crash over. 

Does that work for you?

M


Hi Marlowe,

The Friday works for me, I think you're right about making it a night without work the following day and getting a lift from ********* would help my complete lack of navigational sense! 

I'm really looking forward to this now, I haven't stopped smiling for hours :)

Lyra

And there we were. It was arranged. I wasn't quite sure what would happen. Maybe just talk, probably some demonstration of shibari, possibly a spanking, which tends to be quite an experience if you've never had one before. Still, an evening to look forward to and there was something in my instincts giving me a distinct frisson of anticipation, telling me it was going to be exciting and memorable. 

I still didn't anticipate how the evening actually turned out!

Hmm, I'm interested to hear how this exchange felt to Lyra and then over the weekend I guess it's finally time to talk about our first night together. 

M

Hello Lily!

A very quick post from me today as I'm sitting in my mother's house where I'm staying until next Wednesday (it's amazing how many levels of encryption, security and ensuring that you haven't left a trace of history on the computer that you can remember after so many years of not needing to!)

I'm really glad that I finally have the chance to talk about Lily because there was a real danger of this blog being more about me and Marlowe as we're the two that are going to be contributing most frequently. I wasn't quite sure how involved Lily wanted to be and thus haven't yet written a great deal about the other third of our relationship, but now.. Now I can go a little more into how Lily was an important part of my awakening.

I've said before that I'd never really considered Marlowe in that way before the conversation in the car and a large part of that was because of Lily. Lily is a truly amazing woman. She is strong, independent, scarily intelligent, strikingly beautiful and yet, in the right company she has a little streak of vulnerability that makes her absolutely endearing. (I can see her face as I'm writing this and although she won't openly approve of a critical mass of compliments, I plan to be very honest with this blog, so there!)

I'm incredibly fussy with women. I'm fussy with men because things have to feel right and there has to be something about them that puts me at ease, but with women, it's not so much the putting at ease that matters, it's the "something about them" and that's really hard for me to find in women and equally hard for me to describe. With any relationship there's a balance of dependence, co-dependence, individuality and your ability to be co-independent - a mix of vulnerability vs strength. I think I find that balance reasonably easy with men because there are enough public examples out there to look at and think "yeah, they've got that balance right" or "that doesn't seem right, (s)he isn't him/herself when they're together." I can compare my relationships to the public examples and think about whether I'm at the place that I want to be, whether I should be stronger or whether I should give the poor guy a break and let myself be a little more..obedient? not quite the word I'm looking for but that one appears to have escaped me.

I can't put my finger on why that's different for women. I think we're more sensual, more emotionally aware (yes, broad sweeping statements, I know) and that makes our relationships different, more emotionally intense with no real role models to help think about how things "should" be. Again, "should" isn't the right word but when thinking about such things, I like to have a broad set of examples and be able to go "somewhere between x and y is the right spot for us in this dynamic." So perhaps, getting that balance right is incredibly important but also more difficult for women. Perhaps it's only my experience that has shown this to be true but it has been an issue in the past.

With Lily, things are slightly different because we weren't looking at each other from the perspective of starting a relationship but that strength vs vulnerability balance is now so ingrained into my psychology that it's part of what makes a woman attractive to me. And that's one of Lily's great strengths. I noticed it when I first met her, before I knew that she was married to Marlowe or anything else about her and found her incredible.

At some point soon, I'll try and write about the balance of the relationship(s?) that we have as I think it'll be interesting to explore how I regard both Lily and Marlowe as equals but have completely different relations with them both as individuals. First, we'll have to continue with the story of how we got to this point though!

Loving Lily

Yay, we have a pseudonym for my wonderful wife. She has decided that in this blog she will be known as Lily. 

Lily is an interesting pick as a name as it's one we've used in roleplaying (roleplaying in the kink sense in this instance!). Interesting because it's not a major or regularly used identity, but one that is occasional and intense. 

There is a real risk in this blog that Lilys part in it gets overlooked. Play occurs between the three of us but with myself recounting bits and thinking about what was going on for me and with Lyra doing similar it might be easy to miss Lily, to see her as a secondary figure. 

You see, Lily is as important a part of this story as anyone. More important in many ways as she is the woman that helped me find myself after years in the wilderness, the woman that taught me to love again. 

Lily is in her early thirties, a successful, very well qualified professional and very easy to spend time with, which conceals the fact she's quite scarily bright. We were colleagues for several years before the night when a works social and a lot of red wine meant we actually talked about ourselves. 

This meant we knew each other on some levels really rather well already. I'd seen her under intense pressure, dealing with extreme emotion in others, facing aggression and in a dozen other ways many people rarely get to see their partner react to, and she's quite something. Passionate, firey, articulate, brave, empathic and caring. 

When we finally noticed each other as people rather than colleagues, our relationship took off very quickly. Quickly but not always comfortably. 

You see, we knew each other. We were also both very skilled in working with personal change and dealing with avoidance. That's not comfortable when someone can see straight through the defenses we put up. Particularly if there are hangups - and we both had plenty of those. Lily had to get used to that from me, and struggled with the fact that my regard for her was rather higher than her regard for herself. I had exactly the same problem from her, complicated by the fact that parts of me felt broken, and I had to share with her that I was not sure if I was still capable of truely loving someone. 

I had been very hurt years before with the break up of my first marriage and a series of betrayals that all but destroyed my sense of identity and self worth. I survived, but when Lily came along I was still doing just that - surviving not living. 

Lyra has a fondness for the Phoenix as a metaphor, and it's quite an appropriate one here. I surprised myself by survival, and learned from my experiences - being consumed by fire transforming into new possibilities and growth. But it was the warmth of Lilys love, and her vulnerability in taking the risk to love me when I did not know if I could do so in return that triggered my rebirth. 

Lily taught me to love again, to live again. Without her I would not today be the person who is capable of loving her absolutely and sharing a different type of love and connection with Lyra. With several others actually. Our language is lousy at expressing the various shades of warmth and intimacy between aquaintance, friend, play partner, lover and lifetime love (this is a point I suspect we'll come back to several times!). I think I am by nature loving and quite nurturing, but without Lily I wouldn't be able to love and care for the people I am close to in the way that I do. Most of all she woke me to loving her and a partnership that is impossible to express without sounding cheesily cliched.   

Lily, thank you.

Much of what has passed between us and Lyra has been new for Lily it has taken us out of our comfort zone and beyond our normal boundaries. 

Growth and exploration may be good things but they're also quite scary, unsettling and challenging, so hopefully we will have some input from Lily as we progress. This is her journey as much as Lyras or my own.

M

Added just before posting

I wrote the text above two days ago. Last night I showed it to Lily to see if she was OK with me posting it. It was quite an emotional experience. It is one thing to know how someone feels about you but comes across with much greater impact when written down and about to go on an open blog.

It has spurred her to get writing as well, so though you are likely to see more posts from Lyra and I, Lily is now planning in being an active contributor. 

When she began writing last night, an introduction (which she'll probably post tonight) and a piece about the challenges of these new experiences (which she'll hold onto until we've looked at how our relationship developed), I was not sure whether to post this or not. Again, I'm posting this unedited as it is a clear and honest statement about her. I hope any readers find it interesting and useful. 

M