Back to the history - shall we meet?

A friend of mine once described that process of finding out if there are shared ideas and chemistry that might make for a developing play partner relationship, as "the Dance".

It's a good analogy, you circle carefully, social mores dictate certain steps and it becomes both effort and pleasure. I mention this because just establishing an interest in kink may be step one, but that leaves a huge range of possibilities. 

Quite apart from anything else, what the hell do you mean by "kink"? I've left it quite deliberately undefined as it's a huge range of things to different people, and you'll see what I'm talking about for us when we start talking about what has happened in our times together. That said, to have a meaningful conversation with Lyra required some begining definition, and avoiding it sounding too cold and clinical. 

What happened next was a conversation over email that led to us meeting several weeks later to - well I'll leave what we did when we finally met to a later posting.

For once this is something easy to document as I still have the emails involved. So, pausing only to amend real life names and remove identifying information, this is the conversation that occurred the next day (and contributed to one of the least productive work days I've ever had!):

My first Email to Lyra took some time to compose. It had to balance information with brevity (I failed on the brevity!), and brought back those concerns that it had to be clear enough to start a meaningful exchange, but not leave her feeling harrassed. How well I did this is I guess best left to comment from her, but it was with some excitement but considerable nerves that I sent the following:

Hi Lyra

I'm glad I asked about kink last night as I was really torn about whether to do so. As I said, I normally have really good instincts about this, but I was a little unsure in your case. Sorry about asking in a car full of people (even though they were fairly safe people) but it didn't look like I was going to get a more discreet chance. It leads on to other questions that I would definately not want to ask in a place that might make you uncomfortable, so back to email for the moment.

Obviously, I'd happily answer any questions you have, either over email or face to face over a coffee but I'd also love to know more about you, are you someone who's always had an interest in kink (there's a good few people I know who when they were children always found it "interesting" when people in stories got tied up or whipped but only later figured out what that interest means), or someone who's become aware of an interest as an adult?

Have you had much in the way of experiences? Don't feel you need to answer that as it's quite a personal question, but if not then you have so much fun in store! Depending on your inclinations, that first time when someone who knows what they are doing gives you a thorough spanking, starting as light as a caress and losing yourself in sensation as the intensity builds. Or the learning of how to do that, seeing the effect your blows have on someone, learning to vary intensity and rhythm, when to strike and when to stroke. Or the artistry of using 25 metres of rope in an elaborate Japanese rope bondage to constrict and arouse. Or any of the myriad of other things one can get up to. Hmm, I'm actually quite envious...

The big question is, of course, where do you want to go with this?

I guess I'd better make it clear whether that's just a come on -  Is that me just asking if you are interested in playing with me/us? Well its not, not primarily. We're actually quite choosy about playing with people as there are some real issues about trust and personality, but it's worth saying that Lily and I would both be quite happy playing with you or just introducing you to the scene.

If you'd like to just ask a few questions, then find your own way, that's fine. If you'd like to discuss it a bit and come along to some social events then that's fine as well (the next decent club night we're going to is the 5th of May). If you'd like to gently experiment with some play in a safe environment, then I would be happy to oblige or could let you know how to find others. If you want to jump in with both feet with some intense sceneing then we can point you in that direction or you can come along with us (less predictable than clubbing, but happens fairly regularly).

The problem that I've got in knowing what to suggest or what to tell you about is still that lack of instinct about how you are wired that makes it difficult to know what your interests are (and indeed, this may well be something to explore, which will evolve over time). You see, though you may often hear people talk about "the scene" or "the fetish scene" there is actually no such thing. There are many and varied bits of the fetish scene, some of which overlap.

Some people just play in their own committed relationship, some use the Internet to constantly trawl for partners. Some play with others, some play around others.

Some people enjoy clubbing to dress up outrageously, some enjoy clubbing as an opportunity to play.

Some are into gentle sensation play, some are into harsh sensation play, some are into role play with the context and head space as important as any physical contact.

Some like spanking but are shocked at any suggestion of sexual  
contact, some always like to lead up to lots of kinky sex. Some are into spanking/caning/whipping, some are into rope bondage, electroplay, etc etc.

Some people like to top/dominate, some like to bottom/submit, some like to switch and the actual dynamics can be much more complicated.

Where do Lily and I stand? Well that's a little complicated. We have some involvement with a range of bits of the scene as we get different things out of different aspects. I think our prefered part at the moment is the roleplaying and private parties side of things, though that may be because we've recently discovered some really lovely people in this side of things and had some really interesting experiences. Using role play as a part of play is something that allows you to go to some really interesting places in your head and still come back safely afterwards (and personally, I've always taken the view that the mind is the most important sexual organ, though I actually think that this remains the case in sensation play).

We also go clubbing a fair bit but tend to go for the clubs that have a decent mix of socialising and playing rather than the "dance club with a fetish dress code" type.

I guess I should also say that we don't identify ourselves as 
polyamorous, but we do enjoy playing with others if it's the right people. 

Actually, that's quite a defining feature of how we play - some people have quite rigid "yes" and "no" lists. How we play varies quite a lot. What I am into varies by partner, situation, intuition and a whole range of other things and I genuinely enjoy a wide range of scenes. I've always found it unhelpful to try and nail down how a scene will go in too much detail beforehand, and with some idea of definate "no" areas and a safeword you can generally have a lot more fun than you can with a script. With roleplay you need a strong sense of situation and your "dropping off point", but then you still need to respond to intuition and events. 

I guess we also tend towards a degree of discretion - I've never been particularly in the closet about my sexuality, but nor do I feel a need to massively broadcast it (though I do find myself mentioning more if I'm still buzzing after a really interesting evening - hence the conversation last week!)

Well, thats probably enough for a first email. I guess that will have either frightened you off or filled you with questions. Hopefully it is the latter, but if it's the former, then let me know and I won't make you uncomfortable by raising it again.

Best wishes

M

So, there we were. A decent introductory email that left me feeling a bit vulnerable, but hopefully was open and diverse enough to invite a full and frank reply. I crossed fingers and hoped for the best. 

Shortly a reply came through from Lyra: 

Hi Marlowe,

I'm glad you asked too and I'm glad you've sent this e.mail :) I'm not exactly shy about my sexuality but I will admit to being quite inexperienced, purely due to never having the opportunities to experiment or having a partner quite so open-minded. It's something I've been interested in for a few years and have tried some quite mild play but only with close friends and it's never amounted to much. Like you, I'm quite intuitive when it comes to sex and playing, what I'm into will vary with the partner, the situation, the mood I'm in, the mood they're in etc.

I completely agree with you about the mind being the most important sexual organ we have, the intricacies of how the mind can affect a sensual meeting have always astounded me. Sensation play is probably where I've had the most experience and found the most enjoyment in evoking responses from other people but equally, being teased and played with until you can't take anymore and then being pushed further is an amazing feeling, doing that to other people being just as much fun.

Japanese rope bondage is something I've been wanting to try ever since I first heard of it and role play is another area that I've always wanted to explore and have rarely had opportunity to try. My biggest problem is finding people that I'd trust enough to be completely vulnerable in front of. Whilst I'd probably be comfortable with you and Lily, with strangers I'd probably need at least a few hours of getting to know them and a good sense of what I'd be getting myself in for. For that reason I think small groups or casual social groups would suit me better than clubs, although I have an insatiable curiosity so I'm not ruling out the more interesting clubbing in the future.

So, the big question. Where would I like to go with this? The short answer is everywhere. I have an absolutely insatiable curiosity combined with years of not being able to do anything about it or knowing where to start or who to start with. I am completely open to experimenting and discovering more about myself which I'd imagine could be quite interesting for someone with more experience. If you're willing to introduce me to the kaleidoscope of kink, or point me in the direction of the right people, I would very much enjoy it.

Kind regards,

L


Well, what more could one want, it looks like it's going to be interesting and I have a big grin as I reply: 


Hello Lyra

Well fantastic, I think we are going to have a lot of fun. 

Thank you for giving me my biggest grin of the week. I share an office and had to explain to my colleague why I was in such a good mood! I may possibly have lied a little. 

I absolutely get the point about needing to be comfortable enough to be OK letting the defenses down. This is entirely normal and certainly something that affects Lily and I.  Interestingly, this tends to mean that play in large clubs is more limited than in small groups - most people don't let themselves go as much in a more public place, so clubs may well be less intimidating than you imagine but also rather less fun. 

Ditto with the getting to know people, though do remind me at some point to tell you the story of when we met a friend of ours who is really shy with new people so we actually agreed to meet in role and it was ... interesting. 

I could talk about all sorts of stuff but there's a danger of over intellectualising everything. It strikes me that the first thing you need to do is start gently exploring and discovering what works for you (though it's worth mentioning that most of us find that this is a range of things and evolves over time). 

So, I'd suggest one of two things, either meeting up for a coffee and a chat or coming over to us for an evening. We could have a meal, chat about kink and introduce you to our little dungeon and then just see what takes your interest. 

Which sounds good and when is good for you? 

Our only dampener is busy working lives and need for recovery time, but I'm sure we can sort out something in the next week if you have some time free. 

Feel free to ask any questions about anything kink related, I just thought I'd better rein myself back and not flood you with lots of information about the kink scene that might be more useful later on. 

Hugs

M

Swiftly, a reply arrives:

Hi M,

An evening with a meal, a chat and an introduction to the dungeon sounds ideal. You'll have to direct me though, I've only ever been to yours with ***** and he's taken a different route and gotten us lost both times! :P

I'm free most evenings so if you and Lily work out what's best for you I can be quite flexible.

So, we are going to meet up and see where it goes. Should be interesting. The night before, Lily and I had discussed the Lyra's interest and the possible outcomes and this was probably the best way to get started on finding out what you are into. We are a little vague on where that will go as we had talked several times about playing with another woman and were very much on the dame page that there were no real boundaries here, so long as the person and situation felt right. Lily had good vibes about Lyra, and we were happy to see where it went. I texted (or possibly phoned, but I think it was text) Lily to check ghis was still OK and discuss possible evenings. Then the emails were just logistics:

Hi Lyra,

I've just had a chat with Lily about this. Generally, we have much more energy when it's not a work day the following day, so we were thinking weekends if that's OK with you. Mid week is do-able but this feels worth making a bit more special. Does that sound good to you? 

Annoyingly, this weekend is pretty much booked, so maybe Friday the 14th or Saturday the 15th (either would be good for us). 

Possibly the best option might be the Friday, as Lily could give you a lift from ********* (I presume that would be helpful and sorts out the directions) and you would be welcome to crash over. 

Does that work for you?

M


Hi Marlowe,

The Friday works for me, I think you're right about making it a night without work the following day and getting a lift from ********* would help my complete lack of navigational sense! 

I'm really looking forward to this now, I haven't stopped smiling for hours :)

Lyra

And there we were. It was arranged. I wasn't quite sure what would happen. Maybe just talk, probably some demonstration of shibari, possibly a spanking, which tends to be quite an experience if you've never had one before. Still, an evening to look forward to and there was something in my instincts giving me a distinct frisson of anticipation, telling me it was going to be exciting and memorable. 

I still didn't anticipate how the evening actually turned out!

Hmm, I'm interested to hear how this exchange felt to Lyra and then over the weekend I guess it's finally time to talk about our first night together. 

M