The R word

The R word

I have discovered something new about myself this week. In discussing with lilly G the situation we currently find ourselves in, I found myself skirting round and round using the word relationship. She kindly bailed me out of the situation by referring to our arrangement (see I’m still doing it) as a “set-up”.

That got me thinking – what is it about the word that bothers me so much?

I think much of this is about what labels mean to me and what they may infer to others. Relationship for me has never been a word I use loosely and has only ever been utilised when I am in a relationship with someone which I see as potentially a life partner. Therefore I guess there is probably a small part of me which worries about the commitment inferred when this word is used. If I’m honest though it is more about what this word means to others.

If I use the word relationship, rather than play partner or lover or close friend, then it gets very hard for me to say that I am not polyamorous and that is a word I simply loathe. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against polyamoury (some of my best friends are polyamorous….) but the term has bad associations for me.

I have witnessed numerous relationships which have been labelled as polyamoury but which have actually been hugely destructive to the individuals involved, either because not all partners involved want the multiple relationships or because the power balances within have been deeply unequal. For example, I have friends who state that they are polyamorous but what that means in practice is that the wife has numerous sexual encounters with others but the husband does not – he worries that he cannot meet her needs and therefore would rather she had multiple relationships than leave him.

I also have a close set of friends who are truly polyamourous – the three friends live together in such a way that you could not imagine any two of them being able to have a relationship with out the third to complete them. It has taught me that polyamorous relationships can be deeply loving and caring. I’m also aware of many individual situations which fit anywhere in between those two extreme scenarios; some of which appear to be deeply fulfilling for those involved and some of which appear to be deeply destructive.

So I can’t even claim the term only has bad associations. Again, I ask why does it bother me?

I think the answer is simple. I am not polyamorous by nature – it is not who I am, it is what I am currently doing. I don’t fundamentally feel a need for multiple relationships in the way that my bisexual friend describes (she finds herself complete when she has both a boyfriend and a girlfriend). I find myself in a situation where this is right for me, Lyra and Marlowe but this does not alter who I am. I get a great deal from this relationship (time to get over the fear of the word…) but that is not to say I will ever again engage in a polyamorous relationship. It is this situation, it is Lyra, that makes this work; not the presence of additional relationships.

I guess I would akin this to the idea that although I am currently sleeping with Lyra, I would not define myself as bisexual. I can admire the beauty of women but have never previously found a woman sexually attractive. It is Lyra I find attractive, not women per se. It is also the combination of Lyra and Marlowe together that I adore; Lyra and I are developing an increasingly close relationship but I am certain this would have a completely different flavour if Marlowe were not present.

I guess I am just rebelling against labels. I am Lily. We are Lyra, Marlowe and Lily and that is enough of a label for me.