Loving Lily

Yay, we have a pseudonym for my wonderful wife. She has decided that in this blog she will be known as Lily. 

Lily is an interesting pick as a name as it's one we've used in roleplaying (roleplaying in the kink sense in this instance!). Interesting because it's not a major or regularly used identity, but one that is occasional and intense. 

There is a real risk in this blog that Lilys part in it gets overlooked. Play occurs between the three of us but with myself recounting bits and thinking about what was going on for me and with Lyra doing similar it might be easy to miss Lily, to see her as a secondary figure. 

You see, Lily is as important a part of this story as anyone. More important in many ways as she is the woman that helped me find myself after years in the wilderness, the woman that taught me to love again. 

Lily is in her early thirties, a successful, very well qualified professional and very easy to spend time with, which conceals the fact she's quite scarily bright. We were colleagues for several years before the night when a works social and a lot of red wine meant we actually talked about ourselves. 

This meant we knew each other on some levels really rather well already. I'd seen her under intense pressure, dealing with extreme emotion in others, facing aggression and in a dozen other ways many people rarely get to see their partner react to, and she's quite something. Passionate, firey, articulate, brave, empathic and caring. 

When we finally noticed each other as people rather than colleagues, our relationship took off very quickly. Quickly but not always comfortably. 

You see, we knew each other. We were also both very skilled in working with personal change and dealing with avoidance. That's not comfortable when someone can see straight through the defenses we put up. Particularly if there are hangups - and we both had plenty of those. Lily had to get used to that from me, and struggled with the fact that my regard for her was rather higher than her regard for herself. I had exactly the same problem from her, complicated by the fact that parts of me felt broken, and I had to share with her that I was not sure if I was still capable of truely loving someone. 

I had been very hurt years before with the break up of my first marriage and a series of betrayals that all but destroyed my sense of identity and self worth. I survived, but when Lily came along I was still doing just that - surviving not living. 

Lyra has a fondness for the Phoenix as a metaphor, and it's quite an appropriate one here. I surprised myself by survival, and learned from my experiences - being consumed by fire transforming into new possibilities and growth. But it was the warmth of Lilys love, and her vulnerability in taking the risk to love me when I did not know if I could do so in return that triggered my rebirth. 

Lily taught me to love again, to live again. Without her I would not today be the person who is capable of loving her absolutely and sharing a different type of love and connection with Lyra. With several others actually. Our language is lousy at expressing the various shades of warmth and intimacy between aquaintance, friend, play partner, lover and lifetime love (this is a point I suspect we'll come back to several times!). I think I am by nature loving and quite nurturing, but without Lily I wouldn't be able to love and care for the people I am close to in the way that I do. Most of all she woke me to loving her and a partnership that is impossible to express without sounding cheesily cliched.   

Lily, thank you.

Much of what has passed between us and Lyra has been new for Lily it has taken us out of our comfort zone and beyond our normal boundaries. 

Growth and exploration may be good things but they're also quite scary, unsettling and challenging, so hopefully we will have some input from Lily as we progress. This is her journey as much as Lyras or my own.

M

Added just before posting

I wrote the text above two days ago. Last night I showed it to Lily to see if she was OK with me posting it. It was quite an emotional experience. It is one thing to know how someone feels about you but comes across with much greater impact when written down and about to go on an open blog.

It has spurred her to get writing as well, so though you are likely to see more posts from Lyra and I, Lily is now planning in being an active contributor. 

When she began writing last night, an introduction (which she'll probably post tonight) and a piece about the challenges of these new experiences (which she'll hold onto until we've looked at how our relationship developed), I was not sure whether to post this or not. Again, I'm posting this unedited as it is a clear and honest statement about her. I hope any readers find it interesting and useful. 

M